I can’t no matter how much I try to ignore the thoughts it doesn’t go away wtf am I gonna do ???? I feel okay here and there but it’s ALWAYS there first thing when I wake up these dangerous harm killer thoughts

I struggled with harm OCD thoughts from the age of about 12-40. I wound up going to outpatient treatment daily 2 years ago and did a lot of exposure therapy over 6 weeks, which completely took the power away from the thoughts. I still have them from time to time, but they cause no anxiety. Exposure therapy is very scary at first, but worth it. There is hope!!! Also, people with OCD never carry out these thoughts...and "normal" people also have intrusive thoughts, but they let then let them go and don't continue to ask themselves why they had the thought or experience anxiety. I hope you have or can find a good OCD therapist or program. You are not alone...and you are also not dangerous, despite what your OCD wants you to think.

No one can control their thoughts!! Thoughts come and go, it’s our reactions that make us feel bad. It’s definitely soooo hard but we just need to accept the fact that the thoughts came, let ourselves feel the fear and the last step is to not engage in the compulsions!!

I feel that way too?

Hi Sydney, thank you so much for your kind reply. Omg from age 12-40?? That’s sounds horrible I don’t think I can ever go through that ? When have you started ERP and how long? When you mean the thoughts come and go does it still bother you? I don’t really have compulsions ... I try to expose myself more to the thoughts and near knives but I’m even scared to go outside that anxiety is so bad and I don’t want meds ???

I started ERP 2 years ago and the thoughts, which are less frequent, don't bother me anymore. I used to not be able to use knives or look at knives. When I went to the outpatient program, I had to do some scary things with knives. The anxiety was horrible at first, but after surviving doing those exposures many times, my brain started ignoring the thoughts or not making a big deal out of them. I personally needed the safe space of a program where I could see my therapist daily. I would have had a really hard time going to therapy once a week and doing exposures in between on my own. Do you live in the US?

Yes I live in New York ! I’m 21 so it’s kind of hard... sometimes the thoughts feels like urges and I feel like I’m legit about to go and act on my thoughts. I had this before but it went away for eight months and it came back. I feel Guilty talking to my fiends I feel like a murdered and killer. How long did it take you for ERP to be fully cured from these thoughts? Did you take meds?

I felt the same way! It did 6 weeks of ERP, 5 days a week at Roger's Behavioral Health. They have several locations throughout the country. At that time, I was actually not on any medication. I was previously and most people in the program were. I really needed the safe space of outpatient treatment on a daily basis. I am back on therapy now...but waiting a week in between is really challenging. I just reluctantly started taking medication again because my OCD is "flaring up" in other ways due to everything going on in the world. I am hoping to only need medication short term, though.

May I ask why you’re back in therapy? Is it harm ocd related again or something else? If you don’t mind me asking ... I really don’t meds :( But I hope you’re doing better and safe! Thank u for ur kind replies

It isn't harm related this time. I had been obsessing about my parents getting coronvirus and started doing compulsions to "protect" them. I went back to therapy so it wouldn't get out of hand. I was able to stop the compulsions, but after almost 5 months of this pandemic and almost paralyzing anxiety, I decided to try medication again. I am taking the medication that helped me years ago, because I already know what to expect and it has been around for a long time. I prefer holistic medicine, but hit a breaking point. I don't know if you have tried ERP with a therapist. You are forced to do the things that cause the most anxiety over and over until it no longer causes much, or any, anxiety. I did some extreme exposures, like holding a knife to my therapist's throat. I am sure you can imagine how horrible that was. She rarely gave me reassurance, but one time she reminded me that therapists would not do those kinds of exposures if people with OCD were dangerous. Effective treatment for OCD sounds like torture and I am sure many parents would be afraid to send their kids for that kind of treatment...but it really works! If I have an occassional intrusive thought now, I am able to laugh at it and let it go, because I know now that it is just OCD and not me. I go to an online OCD/anxiety support group every other week. It is free. Most of the people are around your age. 2 amazing OCD therapists facilitate the group. If you are interested, I could email you the info. I don't want to post it and the therapists not be able to support the number of people who might try and join. :)

That would be great!!! Please email me at josekhalid1990@gmail.com ! Also so you went to ERP and it took how many months till you were cured from harm ocd? Also do you any tips how let’s the lingering restless anxiety go away? It’s so Bad ?

I just sent the info :) I think I did about 2 months of ERP before the thoughts stopper causing distress. I still struggle with generalized anxiety, but have found that doing breathing exercises and yoga (especially when I don't want to) helps. I also force myself to get busy. Sometimes I do logic puzzles and brain games. I have to somehow force myself to shift gears and do something else, even though it is hard and counterintuitive. But, the good news is that my anxiety isn't related to any harm ocd thoughts.

That is amazing ! Thank you so much for the information and I so happy you have recovered from these awful thoughts! Much love to you and god bless you for such helpful information! Sometimes when I’m outside and the thoughts don’t bother me I just get scared and get anxiety of getting the thoughts back if that makes sense because the urges feel real. So I’d be okay and then few minutes later I’d be like “ oh gosh I shouldn’t be so happy and enjoy my time and hang out w my friends because what if the thoughts come back and I act out on them tmrw or something” :(

I can relate the anxiety while waiting for the thoughts to return. It will get better!