Today is a really difficult today. Maybe it doesn't seem so to other people, but it's extremely difficult for me. I feel like I'm trying to sober myself up after a really long and crazy night. I woke up with a great disgust and shame, and I can't stop analysing my feelings and thoughts. For those who don't know, last night I experienced an urge to hurt my younger brother while he was asleep in my room. The most frightening part is that it felt like I really wanted to do it. Of course, he is fine, I would never hurt him. A couple of days ago I thought I could do it but I was so wrong. I'm back at it. All I want is to stay in bed and face noone. I'm a terrible human being. A terrible sister. Daughter. And friend. Thanks to myself for ruining my life.

Thank you! I appreciate your kind help!

He only slept there for like half an hour and then dad took him to his room. I knew I wouldn't hurt him (I would never hurt him on purpose!), and I wasn't really worried about that after a while. What I was scared and worried about was (and still is) the fact that the urge came with really strong feelings, feelings of actually wanting to act on my urge. It all seemed natural and normal. And, in addition, I had moments where I allowed myself to have thoughts on purpose (again!). I don't understand why this is happening. This must be a sign of something more than just OCD. I'm getting quite tired at this point. Anyway, I'll stop. I apologise for keep venting and being a broken record. I just feel lonely and desperate. Thank you!

@corablue I know what it's like to have that strong urge feeling to do something harmful to someone else. That's at least partially why I ended up in the psych ward about 2 years ago. But notice, I didn't go through with it. I froze up at work instead. In case you're worried about being admitted to the psych ward, try not to be. First, you'd be able to handle it. Second, it can likely be avoided if you keep working on developing your mental health skills ☺.

@Ben84 Thank you for your reply. I don't want to sound rude or mean by jumping to (silly) conclusions, and I apologise if I got this wrong and I'm misinterpreting what you said, but do you mean/think that I could be a danger to people around me, espeacilly my brother? I really don't want to be. I think that would be the end for me.

@corablue Happy to clear things up ☺! Try reading my post again. Did I hurt anyone? Do you think I'm dangerous?

@Ben84 If I understood correctly, you didn't hurt anyone. And no, I don't think you are dangerous.

@corablue But I had similar urges to hurt others just like you? What makes you so sure you're different ??

@Ben84 I'm really sorry but unfortunately I don't really have an answer for that. All I know is that what I felt was really overwhelming and so true and normal that I'm still stressed and disgusted with myself whenever I remember what happened. I'm sorry again. I know you're trying to help me, which I'm really thankful for, but I'm just like a dead end.

@corablue No need to apologize ☺.

@corablue Maybe consider that if you can’t answer why you are different, you might not be different and the feeling that you are might just be an irrational feeling brought on by OCD.

@Nikki1809 Thank you, Nikki! ❤

@Nikki1809 Also, I hope you are doing okay today! ❤ If not, I'm sending you all my support and love! ? I know it doesn't help but you are not alone!

@corablue I meant to say *it doesn't help much*, sorry :)

@corablue No I appreciate it. Thank you. ❤️