At this point I feel like it's not OCD. I'm sure I'm bisexual in denial but I cannot accept it. Like my attraction to men has made me semi-even happy at one point and I actually seem to now like the idea of being with a specific guy whereas I hate being with any other guy. And some guys make my doubt my claim of I would never be happy with a man. My mind is saying I only do not want to marry a guy because that's lowkey "basic" and I hate it. I hate saying I'm attracted to men, I hate saying that I am aroused by them, I hate saying that I maybe wouldn't mind having sex with them and maybe even enjoy it despite not being imagine a sexual scenario with a guy that isn't rape, I hate saying that I wanted to kiss a guy. It feels like I'm lying, that this is not me, I would never say those things. And at the back of my mind I feel like homosexuality is my reality. But that's denial. The more I look at those guys I am attracted or was attracted to the more I hate them. And yet, I am not a lesbian. I still do not feel like removing it all from my life. I do not want to drop something that felt so true, satisfying to me but I will have to. It just will take time to finally stop once and for all. I just despise the implication that I could ever be even remotely, 0.1% interested in a guy because it doesn't feel true and yet it is. I only ate one cookie the entire day today. I do not want to be bisexual. I hate being bisexual. I do not want the association that I like men. Even if I do not have to ever be with them I do not like the label. At all. I need help.

Yeah, I'm trying to sit with it for as long as possible. I don't have much distress in terms of adrenaline but I just hate it so much it takes a toll on me physically and that's the hardest part.

@ｆｅｎｎａ ⚢ Knowing that, it may help to intentionally build physical self care into your schedule

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Right. I've actually thought about it. I'll have to look around for what would fit me. Thank you!

Yeah. I've been trying to get rid of labels but I can't get rid of the desire to understand my feelings. I have no idea how to incorporate my feelings for men in my life. It sounds like something I have to force myself to do. Okay, so I have a few guys I supposedly like. Now what? Am I supposed to fantasize about being with them? Am I supposed to gush about how hot they are? I certainly do not want to be with them actually. I feel like I do not have the capacity to fall in love with a man even though now that I think about it I am probably in live with one guy who I thought i just had a deep emotional attachment to. I don't want to even imply I like men to people though. It feels so brutally against me it has me crying. I feel so uncomfortable with it and yet my reality feels different. I feel so so defeated.

Well, I know about this. Thank you. But the thing is, I've got memories of when I actually was attracted to men without much forcing. And I probably have had crushes on them I've ignored because I didn't want to be with them. I am probably in love with a guy right now because I can't imagine my life without him and I feel definitely attracted to him. I will never act on my attraction towards men anyway, because what I feel for them isn't comparable to the way I feel about women. And my attraction just isn't the same. The more I look at an attractive woman, like in detail, the more I feel it, whereas when I look at a guy the more I look at him the more I hate it. But maybe that's because I'm in denial. This all happened before the OCD. I even found texts of me saying "maybe I could give him an exception lol" and uh, yeah. I know that I'm not obliged to date men even if I'm attracted to them, but that still makes me bisexual and I despise it. I am going to date women exclusively and I will marry my girl someday because that's what matters to me. I just want to find a way to call my feelings without ever implying I'm available to men yet showcasing my love for women because that is the most natural, the most important thing to me that has brought meaning and happiness into my life, also being a reason why I became a feminist and got myself out of years of self loathing in terms of being female. I know for almost sure I'm in denial, so this isn't OCD at this point.

I have wished I was bisexual in the past so it would be easier, but this is nowhere near easier or at the very least in the moment because my attraction to men is so halfassed and barely there fromwhat I can tell, and I am pretty sure that won't change. plus I've never even met a guy I was attracted to, or I do not think I did, yet i am still technically bisexual. Sigh, I just hate it man. I find myself picking at the guys I've liked trying to find something wrong with them so I could dissasociate from them but I can't. I almost can't tell apart guys I'm attracted to and guys I'm not because I seemingly get aroused by anything these days. Everything is so confusing. I love a guy atm but I hate saying I want him, but can't say I do not want him either right now. He's gay anyway so I feel very safe given that I could never be with him and I love it. Sigh, just please for the love of God forbid I will ever date a man.

@ｆｅｎｎａ ⚢ Seriously, what's wrong with being bisexual?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Nothing, absolutely nothing,I just can't seem to accept it.

@ｆｅｎｎａ Then it’s ocd and you just need to let time pass to realise that