*vent and extreme sh trigger!!!* i dont understand. i have NOTHING against the lgbt community. if i WAS gay there would be NO problem with me 'coming out'. i know that everyone i know would support me and no one would care. i literally have zero issues or problems with gay people either and am an ally to the lgbtq community to so i know this cant be internalised homophobia but it feels so fucking real. I've taken every sexuality quiz on the internet and they all say im straight. i HATE the idea of having sex with a girl, but my mind says i want it. it makes things up in my past that NEVER happened and makes me feel like i was 'gay' all along. TMI but ive never been turned on by a girl, but i have been for guys. when im horny i want to be with a guy. i have absolutely zero interest in being with a girl but my FUCKING MIND IS DRIVING ME NUTS. my brain tries to convince me i want all of this. i dont. now i feel like thinking a girl is pretty means im gay! i have never felt anything when looking at a pretty girl other than 'omg shes so pretty!' or like 'i wish i looked like that' and now my brain has twisted that into thinking I'm in love with her or something :( i lost most of my attraction to boys and my libido has gone ⬇️⬇️. this is HELL. i try to accept every thought but it makes nothing better. i dont even research anymore. i dont even know if this is even ocd. my mind tells me it isn't and that im just gay, my therapist tells me its ocd. who knows. i dont even have a PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE BEING GAY. it's just with me. it doesnt feel right. i dont want it. **EXTRENE TRIGGER WARNING** read with care please, i dont want to trigger anyone.... i find myself being pissed off way more often recently, for like no reason. like my mum was shouting at me and i just burst into tears and when she left i was literally FILLED with so much self hatred and anger that i got a plastic box and hit myself in the head with it so hard that the plastic cracked down the middle. and when i went downstairs there was a metal skewer that i started carving lines into my arm with until it broke out into hives. I've NEVER done anything like that before in my life. and i nearly wrote a s**cide note recently too. i didn't though. i decided to paint my nails instead. they're ugly and i hate them but at least i didn't do it. i think im going crazy. i dont really know what to do anymore. i hope i gave enough warnings about triggers.

yes please :(

@caz I did have a bout with HOCD when I was around your age. This was when I didn't know it was OCD and there was still a strong stigma around being gay. So you have a few advantages that I didn't ☺. I can relate to the whole (in my case), "Wow. He's a handsome dude. He's ripped" and interpreting that as attraction. I get still get this now with my POCD type thoughts. If I notice a young girl is pretty, my OCD tries to take me down a rabbit hole. I don't know if any of this helps you. I can understand how a loss of attraction would be frustrating. Try to be patient. Learn as much as you can on here and elsewhere about OCD. It may not get easier but you can get stronger ☺!

@Ben84 it makes me feel better to hear you went through something similar. did you come out of it straight? im not sure if that's reassurance but... and i have pocd sometimes aswell, but it contributes more to hocd. it's like if i notice a young girl is pretty, im attracted to girls rather than im attracted to children if that makes sense? and then i get a hit of reality that's like - 'shit, did i just find a child attractive? what the fuck is wrong with me.' it's horrible. should i talk to my therapist about the hurting myself? she knows i used to hit my head off doors when i was really upset instead of taking out my feelings on other people. im worried if i tell her she will send me to a hospital or something. i dont want that. and i dont want my parents to be disappointed in my any more than they already are, you know?

see, i know it wouldnt be a big deal if i was gay, people would support me and no one would really care. but it's not what i want. it's not what I've dreamed about since I've young, but now it feels like i HAVE to want it. i dont know anymore. how long did your hocd last for? im just worried to tell my therapist. i feel idiotic. it was a silly thing to do. and my brain tells me i did it for attention even though i hid myself until all the red marks went away. i think im going crazy and this is a big stunt for me being in denial. i just really dont know what to do anymore :(

@caz Intense HOCD lasted for only a summer. But it lingered on long after that. I still notice it sometimes. Like I said, I strongly encourage you to talk to your therapist about this. You DO NOT deserve to suffer alone and in silence. I'll be here if you need me ☺.

they feel so real. it feels like i want this, like this is how I want my life to be. i just want it to end :(