sometimes i feel like i’m so deep in denial and other times i’m like what am i even thinking i know i want to be with a guy. i feel like i’m lying to myself and it’s so annoying and saddening. i see cute couples on insta and i just want sometimes like that but at the same time i just know it’s never gonna happen to me. i can never be happy with a girl though.

Me too. I have been in treatment for a year now. At first my HOCD wasn’t much present, just in the back. But I was very depressive, and I felt lonely and thought that none would love me. During this time I experienced very strong HOCD. I was just lucky that my therapist understood what I was going through. He told me I was obsessive about this issue. For some time I still wasn’t aware what it was, then I got into terms with the diagnosis. I now dissasociate myself with my OCD, and I’m getting better. My OCD though still tells me that the fact that I find the female body more arousing visually, the fact that my love life has been a disaster and that I haven’t experienced an orgasm with men in bed, I must like women more. I feel like one day I will fall in love with a man, but I won’t sattisfy him and myself sexually, and that will mean I’m a lesbian and he will eventually leave me. But still deep down I feel sad if I imagine a life without a man in it.

I know I want to be with a man so bad that I’m in tears rn. Literally sobbing. Feels so real. Feels like I’m attracted to every girl. I don’t want it at all. I hate this.

@hate_ocd.123 Do you experience the groinal?

Hey Spayze. Thanks for the kind words. Do you mean to try and embrace every feeling you have and let life go on? I am trying to do that myself. Sometimes is hard because of the groinal respones mainly.

@Klau The groinal is super annoying but it does go away, even though the response seems embedded within you you can unlearn it and that jjst takes practice with mindfulness and distraction :)

@Spayze My OCD tells me my case is different, because I get the groinal looking at hot women picture. I know many straight women do, and still they don’t think is smth to give it a meaning. But my OCD makes me overthink it.

@Klau Groinal stuff is the scariest stuff because it seems like the ultimate confirmation, right? Once you learn more how your body has automatic responses to stimuli, you can learn to disregard it more. For example. think of the word chocolate. did you notice that your mouth salivates? if not, try with a different food you know you like. it's automatic. Now in regards to a groinal response, you might be thinking. but I like chocolate! oh no! It doesn't matter. You can think of any food and you will likely salivate or at least feel some sensations, even if it's food you don't like. Your body is preparing to eat. but if your mouth waters to the word brocolli and you don't like it, you don't question your personhood. You might just be responding to sexual thoughts in general, which is why you are freaking out. It's possibly just an automatic response. Also, you might not even really be having a groinal response. Even the tiniest sensation in your groin will send your anxiety through the roof and act as confirmation. If you pay attention to any body part, you will be more aware of what's happening there. For example, close your eyes and really try and focus on your foot. You will be way more aware of sensations happening naturally. So if you have a thought and then there happens to be a natural groinal sensation because you are paying attention, you will freak out even if you aren't aroused. Once you become more aware of these processes you will be able to respond differently to those situations differently

@MikeWietecha This was a much better worded version of what I was trying to explain, thank you.

@MikeWietecha Thanks for the reply. It is really helpful. My anxiety is at its peak especially the groinal to me happens going through photos most and not thoughts. That’s why my OCD calls it proof. I am trying to be mindfull and not give it a meaning but it’s really hard sometimes.

@Klau Ya I understand it's terrifying. trust me, over 13 years I dealt with this not knowing I had ocd. It was a nightmare. I only figured this out 7 months ago. Regardless of the exact theme, unwanted sexual thoughts can be so frightening. But once you have an awareness of what's happening in your body and your mind, you can start to retrain yourself. There is a big difference between reassurance and understanding conceptually and biologically what's happening with OCD. You can start to identify what's going on. Are you doing/have you done ERP with a therapist?

@Spayze This was a huge issue for me, so I had a lot to say about it hahah

@MikeWietecha Thanks again. I have been to a therapist. I have done some ERP but mainly at home, not during the sessions. He told me that my symptoms are not as severe as I can go on with my every day life, and he thinks that I use my Lesbian thoughts as a ‘punishment’ because I think I am not enough mainly because of my child hood traumas. I also have not had any medication, and sometimes I think I don’t have HOcD at all, because I see that many of you guys have had medications as well. So I don’t know, I am just trying to help myself as much as I can.

@Klau Is your therapist a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist? Or Psychoanalysis? Or do you know? I never asked anyone I ever saw. It's only in hindsight now that I've learned a lot, I can see what they studied. I only know now for sure I'm speaking with a CBT therapist. I've been to many different types of therapy. They all serve their different purposes and can all be useful. Some people develop ocd out of the blue, but my harm ocd and unwanted sexual thoughts stem from abuse as well. it doesn't make it more or less valid, but there is some additional trauma to sort through. If you ever want to talk privately, let me know

@MikeWietecha Hey actually the talking in private would be great. Sometimes is difficult to address your problems to a bigger circle as everyone has their own experience.

@Klau do you have Instagram? @loudpaintings is my account. or you can email me at mrwietecha@gmail.com

@MikeWietecha I messaged you