PLEASE HELPPPPPPPPPPPP! Can u share ur history abt hocd,how u deal with it and what does it make u feel?Im tired of this shit,tired of always feeling like im gay,i need an advice.

I know but isn't it tiring living with the uncertainty?I mean,to me its getting worse and i cant handle it.Sometimes i just want to die,i dont want to be gay(no offense for the lgbt community)but what i mean is that the thought of being gay was always nonsense to me.I was always obsessed over guys,and didnt feel any attraction towards girls.Now my mind keeps thinking abt being gay and everytime i see a girl its like my mind create the thought that i am attracted to her.

@Lori So i guess i have had HOCD for about a year now. Before then, i had always loved boys but i guess i should give you a little bit of a back story because it kind of dates way back to 5th grade. I was homeschooled from 5th grade until 10th grade. I was also in a ballet company with just girls. I was also in a ballet company with just girls since i was little so even when i was in elementary for those 4 years i was still around girls when i took ballet classes. when I was really little, I always remember being super obsessed with boys and never with girls. I do remember one time I was five and I did make out with this one girl and I remember, well I really can’t remember, but I think I did feel bad about doing that. I’ve also masturbated in front of my best friend before we both done it together but that was when i was like 12. Anyway, so even when I was homeschooled, I was always obsessed with boys. I would always search up stuff on the Internet about boys and fantasize about boys a lot. I think when I was about 12 or 13 one day I searched up girls kissing and I think I became somewhat addicted to that and throughout the years it kind of transformed into a lesbian porn addiction. I just remember feeling really bad watching those videos and such. Well, when I was in 11th grade, which was in August of last year I went to high school which was the first school that I’ve ever been to in five years. But something before I went to school happened. So in January of last year there was this girl in my ballet company and she had just gotten in the company that I was in and I remember her and I remember how annoyed I was by her a lot of the time. I was a year older than her anyways so I ignored her. So I remember one day we had Thanksgiving break And at the time we started to like talk as friends, and I remember when I was talking to her I got these weird butterflies in my stomach which I had only felt when I talk to boys so I was very confused. So I kept searching up stuff about my sexuality and came across HOCD. I was very confused to be honest. I couldn’t tell if I liked her or not. The thoughts kept telling me that I did and I honestly really did care about her a lot more than my other friends but she played mind games with me and she also do this with another girl that I had no idea about until I figured out what she was doing. She was using me to lean on and I was very unstable and I don’t think she realized that I couldn’t handle that. She had a very wrecked home life. And I was just certain that I was going to be the person that could save her. So I remember December 2 years ago so andso I remember December 2 years ago so 2018, The thoughts were telling me to just tell her that I liked her and I guess I really felt that I did and so I just remember being super confused and not sure about it and kind of crying about it I guess just super confused I just jumped into it. I had never been in a relationship, at the time I was homeschooled, and I was 16 and only interaction with boys I had was looking at them on a computer screen when I was homeschooled. The thoughts were telling me to just tell her that I liked her and I guess I really felt that I did and so I just remember being super confused and not sure about it and kind of crying about it I guess just super confused I just jumped into it. I had never been in a relationship, at the time I was homeschooled, and I was 16 and only interaction with boys I had was looking at them on a computer screen when I was homeschooled. shortly after I told her I guess I felt relieved. About a month after that I came out as bisexual to my parents and that night I told them I was screaming and crying and cussing at my mom because I think I was really upset at the fact that all my life I had imagined being with the boys and being pregnant and having kids and having a family so all of a sudden thinking I like this girl and thinking I’m in love with her really took a toll on me and all my anger just came out. All the anger, all the sadness just flowed out of me and I was at an all time low in my life that I have never reached ever in my life it was very confusing and hard and I had no idea what was going on. I just blamed the anger on my mom In fact it was actually my fault that all of this was happening. So anyways over the summer last year that ended and I remember I cried for one day because I wasn’t able to talk to her and that was it I kind of moved on and so then comes the high school experience. I kind of was just thrown into that too. So after summer of being in a mental hospital and suffering with severe depression I was thrown into the high school setting with thousands of other kids and so that was something that I was thrown into and affected me quite a lot. I don’t wanna jump into much detail about the other two relationships before my now boyfriend but I did the two other guys before my boyfriend that I’m dating now and I remember when I went to school I was questioning my sexuality still even after ariana and I was still addicted to lesbian porn at the time. I didn’t really date or want to date any girls at my school I never really had a crush on any at my school it was only guys. So then I guess by the time November came in December I was just like I’m not gonna leave my sexuality because I keep switching between being straight, bisexual, pansexual, or just gay. I don’t wanna jump into much detail about the other two relationships before my now boyfriend but I did date to other guys before my boyfriend that I’m dating now and I remember when I went to school I was questioning my sexuality still even after ariana and I was still addicted to lesbian porn at the time. I didn’t really date or want to date any girls at my school I never really had a crush on any at my school it was only guys. So then I guess by the time November came in December I was just like I’m not gonna leave my sexuality because I keep switching between being straight, bisexual, pansexual, or just gay.It wasn’t a very obsessive thing after i ended things with that girl it was just an on and off thing i would question. So then I met my boyfriend in January and in January I just kissed this girl for fun and I remember the relapse kind of started back then but I really wasn’t thinking too much of it the intrusive thoughts weren’t bothering me that much. So I met my boyfriend in January, I started dating him February 27. The first two months was like a fairytale and it was kind of a honeymoon phase so to speak and it was just magical I was struggling with a little bit of relationship.lSo then I met my boyfriend in January and in January I just kissed this girl for fun and I remember the relapse kind of started back then but I really wasn’t thinking too much of it the intrusive thoughts weren’t bothering me that much. So I met my boyfriend in January, I started dating him February 27. The first two months was like a fairytale and it was kind of a honeymoon phase so to speak and it was just magical I was struggling with a little bit of relationship I ocd. then all of a sudden I was masturbating one day this was after my boyfriend got me to stop watching lesbian porn, this image of this girl popped into my mind that I knew she was my friends at the time and so it really freaked me out and I kinda over thought that and then that’s when it just started. so I really don’t think about her anymore at all and that doesn’t bother me but shortly after that intrusive thought about her came then came the intrusive thought about me being gay, first started out with me needing to tell my boyfriend that I was in love with her, then it was for me to come out to my boyfriend break up with him. Now it’s the obsession that I just feel gay and I keep analyzing in my head certain lesbian scenes that I’ve memorized and every time I think of them my heart drops and I just feel anxiety, I honestly think this is OCD because it’s an every day all day thing every second of the day obsession.

@Lori Isn't it tiring fighting the uncertainty ☺??

@Ben84 Yes yes it is.

@Ben84 That is what i meant anyway.The problem is that i never felt gay.I was always obsessed over boys,i mean i could find a girl beautiful,but never sexually.Now im not sure.Do u think that hocd may give u fake attractions or feelings?

@Lori So maybe it's time to try something different?

@Lori Yes it can

@Ben84 What do u mean?

@Lori What do you think of this quote? "Acceptance of thoughts and feelings means accepting their presence and does not mean accepting them as truths." - Alegra Kastens, @obsessivelyeverafter on Instagram

@Ben84 Firstly,thank you for this quote,it kinda helps me to feel better.I guess i should start and seperate a thought of who i really am.I dont want to be gay,bisexual neither and u r right.I choose who i want to be with.Thanks Ben?

@Lori You're welcome ☺.

@Pure_O_Warrior You're right, I should've worded it differently ☺. You can't force someone to be with you. I simply meant when presented with options you have the power of choice.