I cried really long and hard today, after getting triggered one too many times during this pandemic. I really felt like I wanted to die and hopeless about life. I can’t let past events go and I’m haunted like I have to hide or move away. The old me full of life is no longer. Shivering in anxiety and not being able to concentrate on work at all. Like I can’t even do basic tasks it’s paralysing. I already feel tired and aged at 27.

Love the quotes! I was gonna guess you’re from jersey because of the Bruce Springsteen reference but I checked ur bio and was wrong lol.

@Anxiousgirl Bruce has amazing universal appeal ☺

@Ben84 I love Bruce and since I’m from Long Island I love Billy Joel as well.

@Anxiousgirl The Piano Man! I enjoy Joel as well ☺.

I have trauma from the past. 3 years ago, my cousin told me to try a sugar daddy site while I was in debt and getting screwed over by guys. A lot of girls were trying it and they said it’s not like prostitution it’s like dating with benefits . So when I was single and in a bad place mentally I gave it a try. Found the worst con men. Used me for sexual favors in cheap motels and a bar basement. The second even found me on Instagram months later and said “remember me? You enjoyed ****” Then when I confronted him about his lies he said “you drive a Benz. Why would I pay you. Bye hoe”. I googled him later and saw that he was in trouble with the law because he defrauded investors hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was so desperate for money at the time and had such low self esteem I gave oral sex in a bar basement when I was drunk. The police say I consented so it’s not assault. Anyway, things like this make me fear the past will come to haunt me. I think things like “what if they secretly recorded me and put me on the internet?” And then my compulsion would be to check porn sites for myself. I also developed agoraphobia with NYC and have the urge to hide or move away because I’m scared my reputation will be ruined. I have lots of shame, especially since it was out of my character and I was raised in a cultural home where premarital sex is even frowned upon. I am afraid no man will accept me and my past or I feel the need to confess my past. My narcissistic ex used to throw my past in my face during fights and would say “how can I marry you”

@Anxiousgirl My heart goes out to you. I wish I weren’t tapped for words right now, because it’s not pity, it’s just care. If you like dogs, please know mine sends you comforting snuggles. ?

@Anxiousgirl I am sorry that you are struggling. I can relate a little bit with being raised well and not engaging in promiscuous behavior for a long time. I was married to an abusive person (first sexual partner too) and cheated on him. I got pregnant from my affair and had an abortion, and I was ashamed and felt guilty (a lot later and after our divorce). After my divorce, I did a lot of “reckless” dating in NYC (where I live) and had to use the morning after pill a couple of times. I feel really disgusted with myself for this and about that time in my life. A guy did take a video of me (without my consent or knowledge) and then texted it to me the next morning! That is a crime, but I was so naive then and did not know. I am now with my boyfriend of four years and will be 40 soon. He could care less about my past and would never judge me like your ex judged you. You will find that if you want it. Try to let what will be be and you will ALWAYS find a way to solve even your hardest problems. I have been through a shit ton and everything really is “figureoutable” and I am trying that phrase without doing my OCD rituals now. Damn hard...

@ashco I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m happy you have a great boyfriend now!! Yes revenge porn or being taped without consent is illegal. With my OCD I always try to find the “evidence” that I assume is out there. I am also from NYC area, I live in Long Island and was commuting to the city before working from home during this pandemic. The bar basement I gave oral sex in was on the upper east side, but it’s closed down now. I used to love New York and now I developed agoraphobia because of the bad memories. It’s so triggering! It doesn’t matter that my office is in Chelsea. I feel like I can run into my perpetrators everywhere and can’t fully enjoy it. I just wanna move away. I get so angry and wish I could confront people from the past but I’m afraid maybe they will be mean to me or blackmail me with a tape. I am emotionally fragile and can’t handle it. I feel weak just forgiving people and moving on with my life if that makes sense. I just want to get the last word in or reestablish my power but I know that’s bad.

@Anxiousgirl I understand. If you never did anything wrong to any of these people (other than to break ties) and have no reason to apologize, I would try my best to forgive and keep moving on, doing the next best and right thing. Whatever blackmail comes your way can be solved and the blackmail would be illegal. Deal with that when and if it comes. Your reaching out now does not prevent that from happening. People are fickle. Try to not live in fear of the future. This is all very difficult...

@ashco Yeah you’re giving good advice. Thanks for your responses ❤️ I think this pandemic plus losing some friends over the years have left me feeling lonely and too much in my head. Without the support of best friends like I used to have, I guess my already fragile and low self esteem evolved to me feeling worthless about myself. I make new friends on the Vina app and trying to network but the pandemic just bought me back to my parents house on Long Island, and I couldn’t develop the friendships like I wanted to. Too many thoughts thumping around in my head. I use food, wine, and Netflix to escape which isn’t always healthy.

@Anxiousgirl It is really tough out there right now. My father passed away RIGHT before the pandemic (from brain cancer) and I lost my job. It took me a while to find another, but I finally did. Money was super tight (still is). Gratitude has helped me a lot and just taking long walks. I stopped drinking all together and it has really helped with my anxiety. I loved drinking too.

@ashco I am so sorry for your loss. My condolensces to you and your family ❤️ On top of this pandemic and heightened anxieties, dealing with grief on top of that must be a lot. I am glad to hear you got another job. My job is through a temp agency so I don’t have insurance. They were going to put me on permanent staff but the pandemic happened and now I’m barely hanging by a thread and my boss tries to extend my temp contract every few months . I know this app is anonymous and a lot of people prefer to stay anon, but if you ever want to make a friend in the NYC area let me know or maybe add me on social media. I always posted on here asking if people made groups or made friends on here. I always wanted to make friends who understand my mental struggles and can relate.

@Anxiousgirl Thank you. For now, I wish to be anonymous, but I like talking with you!

@ashco I completely understand. I added one person on here on IG but they gave their IG name. I would just give my IG on here but I’m still kinda hesitant. I wish there was a private chat feature to share such info.