I’ve been having an ongoing panic attack for the past few hours. I went to bed calm and then I suddenly thought “I’m bisexual” and I jumped up in a panic because it felt like a sudden realisation. It feels so real, it feels like I’ve realised that I’m bisexual even though I really really don’t want to be. I’ve written down evidence like my therapist told me to of reasons why I would be gay and reasons why I’m not, and the reasons of why I’m not gay are far longer than the reasons why I am (there’s only three and it’s that I find girls pretty, and then ones about urges and checking). Right now, it feels like I’m hanging onto nothing and I’m just in denial and trying to find anything to say that I’m straight when it just feels like I’m bi. I’m scared that it’s internalised biphobia. I can’t stop the panic, I hate it, I hate the horrible feeling that makes me feel like I’m about to be sick every couple of minutes. I can’t tell what’s real anymore, all I know is that I’m in agony and I can’t stop this attack, and I can’t stop the feeling of sudden realisation of my sexuality, especially since my brain has been making me think that this whole time I’ve just been trying my hardest to suppress my true identity instead of proving that I’m straight. I’m terrified. A few years ago when this started, I used to say that I wouldn’t mind if I was bi because it meant that I could still be with men like I wanted, but now I definitely don’t want to be bisexual since I don’t want to be attracted to women at all and I’m panicking so much. Can it mess with your memories and your feelings to make you believe that you did in fact have crushes on girls and that you were always attracted to them? Because it’s just taking parts of my memory and overanalysing it to the point where I’m convinced I was actually attracted to a girl instead of just admiring her and wanting to be her friend. It’s also making me think that the only reason I crushed on guys was because that is the societal norm, despite me being incredibly head over heels for some boys and hating when they got girlfriends.

This is exactly me, my family, friends and even boyfriend have told me that I’m literally the straightest straight person they know and yet I still don’t believe them, it makes me feel like if I find a girl attractive or if I I watch something sexual and get turned on it means that I’m definitely bisexual, even though that’s all normal. I hate it, especially since I know about internalised biphobia/homophobia and it makes me think that what I’m going through is just extreme versions of that, I’ve never once wanted a relationship with a girl or even fantasised about a girl until I got serious anxiety about it, it’s the worst thing in the world

@gingernutter I think we should keep pushing,because if we really dont like being involved in a relationship with a girl,than we are clearly not bisexual.I have red that people can get turned on if they see something sexual.It is in humans' nature.But that doesnt make us gay or bi.

@Lori It doesn’t, we know what we are and even though it can really convince us, we’ll always fight back because it’s unnatural to us since we’re not gay or bi. My mum always tells me that I have a choice in what I do, and if I choose to keep fighting then I’m clearly not bisexual since I would have accepted it at this point. The panic I’ve been feeling though was this awful sinking feeling, as though I’d realised my true self and I literally went into a frenzy. I’m unable to sleep at the moment because I can only fall asleep comfortably when thinking about guys (my boyfriend at the moment) because I always feel protected and safer by the idea of a man looking after me when I sleep, but I just can’t imagine it at the moment since my brain is elsewhere making me freak out. So I’m up all night thinking that I’m definitely bisexual, even though the idea of having to like girls is repulsive it feels like I have no choice

I’m exactly the same, it’s really distressing, I’m unable to sleep at the moment because of it and even though I know that I’m straight, there’s always this nagging telling me that I could be attracted to women and might get a crush on one in the future, which is making me want to avoid all my friends and other girls just in case I do ?