Can someone please help. I'm struggling with severe anxiety and depression. I'm very depressed and feeling like I'm hanging on by a thread. It feels completely real and I think there is truth to it. I'm am so sad. I'm sorry, but I just dont want to be gay. Sometimes I feel I would rather die. I have no issues with anyone else being gay, I just dont want it. I feel aroused when I see random women fully clothed. Old women, and children sometimes too. I LIKE THE FEELING. I feel a strong urge to act sexually.I feel like just sinking into the Earth. I want the pain to stop. I am in so much pain. It is getting to the point where it is unbearable. I don't have any fucking money and I can't get help. What do I do.

But I'm scared that I know deep down parts of them are true. I'm not really sure though because my OCD makes me feel like I have to hold myself accountable by saying everything is true or I'm in denial which is scarier than the idea of being gay. OCD has even taken treatment hostage by saying if you don't believe the thoughts you are not accepting and you will never get better. Wording is so important to me, when I see other people say "it feels like I'm aroused by this" I feel like I have to say "I AM aroused by this" otherwise I am in denial. I want the pain to stop.

@hateocd123 Did you see my most recent post just now on deception and OCD? There seems to be a lot of deception going on here.

@Ben84 What if I'm lying I dont know

@Ben84 I'm lying I feel like in lying

@hateocd123 I can see you're scared and in distress right now. The best way to fight OCD is by NOT fighting. Can you take some deep breaths for me?

@Ben84 Yes

@Ben84 But if I not focused on it then I'm not accepting and I'm in denial

@hateocd123 This is a deception. "Maybe you're gay, maybe you're not" You don't need to make a judgement on your thoughts. That's a trick it's trying to play.

@Ben84 I just found out my boyfriends mom came home early and has heard my giant panic attack and screaming and crying about how I'm gay to my mom on th phone. Oh my god. What do I do. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. She's never going to believe me. She wont understand. She's going to think I'm actually gay. What do I do.

@hateocd123 First take those deep breaths again. Second, let's stay in the present. Try not to project into the future.

@Ben84 Ok I feel pretty calm. I'm scared to leave the room I dont want to see her.

@hateocd123 Progress ☺. Do you have much of a choice on whether to see her now?

is it that you like getting aroused by the thoughts? tmi i know! just trying to clarify.

@holley I'm scared I like the feeling. It's not even really arousal (I feel like I'm lying by saying that). It's like pre-arousal if that makes sense. It feels like a pressure (sorry for the excess information) and I'm afraid that I like it, and I want to pursue it instead of staying with my boyfriend. I constantly feel like I have to prove to other people that I have OCD. I feel like I have to confess everything and I'm scared that by saying that I'm just trying to get you to think that I have ocd.

@hateocd123 i feel the same, i don’t really get aroused hardly anymore which is a first considering i used to be addicted to lesbian porn. i always try to get people to understand it and when they don’t and say something that triggers me i get anxious.

@holley would you like my email or snap or something so we could talk?? i want to help.

@holley I'm sorry, but I prefer to stay in the app. I'm fine to talk any time on here though.

@hateocd123 sure!

I don't know why. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It just doesn't sit right inside of me.

@hateocd123 I wish I had an answer

@hateocd123 Ok, I hear that it makes you feel uncomfortable and anxious, but I'm not seeing how that lines up with it being a fate worse than death. Have you considered the idea that the more you treat it like a big threat, the worse this obsession becomes? A big threat makes us feel we need to fight it with lots of compulsions, and that continues the cycle. A good way to become better at resisting doing all of your mental compulsions is to reduce our estimation of the threat we are responding to, so it can feel a bit safer to stop fighting it off. Maybe being gay wouldn't be the end of your life, maybe it would pretty much be fine. Maybe your sexuality is only a really small proportion of your whole life. When I feel overwhelmed by an OCD threat, it helps me to "grid" my life up, into each different important thing, so even if one of the parts goes wrong or is threatened, the other parts are still there. For example: family, friends, partner, physical health, mental health, job/career, hobbies, interests, knowledge, values, hopes and dreams, etc. There is a lot of substance to your life which is not relevant to sexuality. If you think of your life as being so small, and ignore all the other parts, then your OCD worry feels like a ridiculously huge threat.

@Scoggy I agree with everything you said and I'm starting to calm down slightly. It's hard to maintain being rational because I feel like when I'm freaking out is the only time I'm every facing the OCD monster. It makes life so stressful.

IM SCARED THAT IM LYING. I DONT KNOW

@hateocd123 OCD tends to come with a feeling that you're lying or fooling people when you know by the facts that you're not. We have all been there. But unfortunately the more you try to argue with it or even agree with it, the worse it gets. You just have to really try to tolerate not knowing for sure, as much as possible, and finding other ways to remind yourself that you're not a terrible person.