- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
Have I shared this with you already? Acceptance of thoughts and feelings means accepting their presence and does not mean accepting them as truths. - Alegra Kastens, @obsessivelyeverafter on Instagram
- Date posted
- 5y
But I'm scared that I know deep down parts of them are true. I'm not really sure though because my OCD makes me feel like I have to hold myself accountable by saying everything is true or I'm in denial which is scarier than the idea of being gay. OCD has even taken treatment hostage by saying if you don't believe the thoughts you are not accepting and you will never get better. Wording is so important to me, when I see other people say "it feels like I'm aroused by this" I feel like I have to say "I AM aroused by this" otherwise I am in denial. I want the pain to stop.
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 Did you see my most recent post just now on deception and OCD? There seems to be a lot of deception going on here.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Ben84 What if I'm lying I dont know
- Date posted
- 5y
@Ben84 I'm lying I feel like in lying
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 I can see you're scared and in distress right now. The best way to fight OCD is by NOT fighting. Can you take some deep breaths for me?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Ben84 Yes
- Date posted
- 5y
@Ben84 But if I not focused on it then I'm not accepting and I'm in denial
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 This is a deception. "Maybe you're gay, maybe you're not" You don't need to make a judgement on your thoughts. That's a trick it's trying to play.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Ben84 I just found out my boyfriends mom came home early and has heard my giant panic attack and screaming and crying about how I'm gay to my mom on th phone. Oh my god. What do I do. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. She's never going to believe me. She wont understand. She's going to think I'm actually gay. What do I do.
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 First take those deep breaths again. Second, let's stay in the present. Try not to project into the future.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Ben84 Ok I feel pretty calm. I'm scared to leave the room I dont want to see her.
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 Progress ☺. Do you have much of a choice on whether to see her now?
- Date posted
- 5y
you like the feeling of being aroused? so what !!! it doesn’t matter. actions are what defines a person, not their thoughts. i can PROMISE you that.
- Date posted
- 5y
is it that you like getting aroused by the thoughts? tmi i know! just trying to clarify.
- Date posted
- 5y
@holley I'm scared I like the feeling. It's not even really arousal (I feel like I'm lying by saying that). It's like pre-arousal if that makes sense. It feels like a pressure (sorry for the excess information) and I'm afraid that I like it, and I want to pursue it instead of staying with my boyfriend. I constantly feel like I have to prove to other people that I have OCD. I feel like I have to confess everything and I'm scared that by saying that I'm just trying to get you to think that I have ocd.
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 i feel the same, i don’t really get aroused hardly anymore which is a first considering i used to be addicted to lesbian porn. i always try to get people to understand it and when they don’t and say something that triggers me i get anxious.
- Date posted
- 5y
@holley would you like my email or snap or something so we could talk?? i want to help.
- Date posted
- 5y
@holley I'm sorry, but I prefer to stay in the app. I'm fine to talk any time on here though.
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 sure!
- Date posted
- 5y
Are there reasons why you feel like death would be better than not being straight?
- Date posted
- 5y
I don't know why. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It just doesn't sit right inside of me.
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 I wish I had an answer
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 Ok, I hear that it makes you feel uncomfortable and anxious, but I'm not seeing how that lines up with it being a fate worse than death. Have you considered the idea that the more you treat it like a big threat, the worse this obsession becomes? A big threat makes us feel we need to fight it with lots of compulsions, and that continues the cycle. A good way to become better at resisting doing all of your mental compulsions is to reduce our estimation of the threat we are responding to, so it can feel a bit safer to stop fighting it off. Maybe being gay wouldn't be the end of your life, maybe it would pretty much be fine. Maybe your sexuality is only a really small proportion of your whole life. When I feel overwhelmed by an OCD threat, it helps me to "grid" my life up, into each different important thing, so even if one of the parts goes wrong or is threatened, the other parts are still there. For example: family, friends, partner, physical health, mental health, job/career, hobbies, interests, knowledge, values, hopes and dreams, etc. There is a lot of substance to your life which is not relevant to sexuality. If you think of your life as being so small, and ignore all the other parts, then your OCD worry feels like a ridiculously huge threat.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy I agree with everything you said and I'm starting to calm down slightly. It's hard to maintain being rational because I feel like when I'm freaking out is the only time I'm every facing the OCD monster. It makes life so stressful.
- Date posted
- 5y
I dont think I would feel that way if I wasnt anxious, but I dont think is would be for me even then, but I probably wouldn't want to die. I just want to die because OCD is shattering my brain.
- Date posted
- 5y
IM SCARED THAT IM LYING. I DONT KNOW
- Date posted
- 5y
@hateocd123 OCD tends to come with a feeling that you're lying or fooling people when you know by the facts that you're not. We have all been there. But unfortunately the more you try to argue with it or even agree with it, the worse it gets. You just have to really try to tolerate not knowing for sure, as much as possible, and finding other ways to remind yourself that you're not a terrible person.
- Date posted
- 5y
It is okay if you like girls, that is totally fine and your boyfriend’s mom will understand. It is possible that you are bi, if you are or if you aren’t, it is okay. Just focus on what you know without letting any what ifs or anything like that pop in.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
- Date posted
- 19w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
- Date posted
- 18w
I am very depressed right now. I really feel like maybe I’ve always been a lesbian and never knew. I never questioned my sexuality when I was young, never wanted to explore, I just was straight and didn’t think anything about it, that’s just what it was. I had my first soocd spiral in late high school but didn’t have a name for it, just that I was having intrusive thoughts and it was killing me that maybe I was gay. I can’t exactly remember how I got out of that but I continued to have crushes, talking stages, and dated. It went away and that was that I guess. Looking back now I definitely was still avoiding content and certain people, and still had intrusive thoughts but didn’t think I was gay. I guess they were less sticky. Something about me is that I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m a virgin. I’m very shy and romanticize things like I love the relationships and scenarios I read about or that I see in movies or the thirst traps online haha. So I want that irl but am disappointed when that doesn’t happen. I have a very interactive daydream (started when I was 13 and still continued that fantasy world now too) with a boyfriend, friends, and a prettier version of me. I enjoyed making up scenarios about sex or romance in those daydreams and fantasies, but when it came to real life, I would get shy or scared when things were starting to get serious with men. I thought maybe this was an avoidant attachment style but now I’m not sure. I never considered female fantasies and I still don’t want to right now. I want to test and see which one I like better, but I’m afraid I’ll find that I’m a lesbian and I really don’t want that. Ive always imagined myself with a man but now I’m worried about comphet. I’m really depressed and I can’t tell because yes, I find some women attractive whether it’s their makeup, face, body, aesthetic, but I never thought that meant I was attracted to them in a sexual or romantic way until this spiral. Now I’m afraid of masc lesbians and pretty women because it triggers me. But I’m also afraid because I feel like I can look at attractive men, but I don’t feel the same way anymore. I can’t even daydream about them bc then my brain inserts a woman. I’m really scared that I’ve lost myself, because I truly feel like I have, but I don’t want to explore with women, I just want to like men, I’ve always liked that idea. But so many lesbians talk about liking celebrities, fantasy men, or just attractive men. Sorry for the rant but I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel like all my memories, even the ones that directly contradict being a lesbian, can be explained away by comphet, internal homophobia, denial, suppression, etc. When I do try and accept uncertainty, sometimes it feels ok, but then something will trigger me and I’m back at square one. I’m afraid if I take my meds I’ll discover something about myself that I don’t want to because I’ve always been depressed and avoidant of life because it never lives up to my expectations. My sexuality is on my mind 24/7! I can’t take it!
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