Major trigger warning for pocd! I gave into my compulsions and started googling again. I know, I know, I just f*cked myself over. But it was hard to say "maybe I am" this time. And I saw someone on reddit try and justify pedophilia by saying "it's just bad in society's eyes, we don't have a moral rule book" and I started freaking out, because my ocd said "well if you're a pedophile, it's like they said, theres no rule book." And all of it DISGUSTS me. How could someone try to justify that? How could someone try to justify the thoughts that have plagued me for months? I'm terrified that my ocd will try to justify it everytime I have an intrusive thought and I CANNOT handle the anxiety. I'm 16 and I feel like I won't be able to see Christmas let alone graduation. What are your experiences and how have you coped with this?

That's a great way to put it! How far are you into recovery, especially with this type of mindset? If you're okay with answering, I know that can be a sensitive topic. (I'm definitely gonna follow her).

@Eljaeee I've been feeling great these past few months ☺. When I see the kids I work with around town, I still might get intrusive thoughts, but it doesn't ruin the moment for me.

@Ben84 That's wonderful! I hope it continues to get better for you ?. I wanna get to the point where I can look at a kid and not have an anxiety attack, I would love to be a mother some day despite this. Did you start therapy with NOCD?

@Eljaeee No, I wish I could afford it. Instead, I have a supportive general therapist. Not ideal, but it's working out so far. Do you do therapy through NOCD?

@Ben84 Ugh same! I can't afford either and I'm too afraid to tell my parents my subtype.

@Eljaeee You don't have to reveal everything. See if this article helps you at all. https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinionsdear-loved-one-i-have-ocd-tips-for-individuals-and-family-members-about-disclosing-your-ocd/

I’m very scared I don’t find POCD thoughts wrong anymore. They disgust me, but I got stuck in a loophole of trying to find out exactly why it’s wrong to be a pedophile and now I’m so full of doubt and scared I don’t know how to go on. Do you have any advice on this?

@199903 I've been in that loop before ☺. Ultimately, you have to make a decision about what your values are and live them. Even doing "nothing" is a choice with its own consequences. What do you think is going to make the world a better place?

@Ben84 You have?? That’s such a relief to hear, I don’t find many people talking about that! I get so stuck on what my values are. I want to be a person that helps people and cares for others and doesn’t cause harm. That being said, I feel so much doubt about everything I don’t even know if I believe myself anymore

@199903 "I want to be a person that helps people and cares for others and doesn't cause harm." There it is ☺. Go for it! "And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." - John Steinbeck, East of Eden (this book really helped me with this issue)

@Ben84 If that’s the case, why do I get these intrusive thoughts that make me feel that I don’t find pedophilia wrong? I tell myself over and over it’s wrong and I don’t want to do it but I get so stuck on WHY it’s destroying me

@199903 I'm not sure why we get that feeling (or lack thereof). Scroll up to the beginning of this thread and read that quote by Alegra Kastens.

@Ben84 I love Alegra’s work so much, thank you for sharing. I find these thoughts much harder to accept since it feels real that I don’t find it wrong. Before when I had intrusive thoughts I was so sure I was repulsed by it and now I feel so confused and scared. I wish I had that feeling of being sure back

@199903 OCD is clever at creating confusion, but ultimately isn't that scary. Have you checked out my Wizards of Oz posts ☺?

@Ben84 Yes I have! You’re doing amazing work here in the community ? I guess I’m just worried that if I accept this as just OCD confusion and doubt and let it go, I’ll do something bad and hurt someone. I guess it’s a very big leap of fairh

@199903 It is. But you can make it ☺!

@Ben84 Thank you ? you’re very kind. I appreciate it!