TW, POCD I feel like a .... pedophile. I don’t think I am. When I was really young (11/12) I was under very very very little parental guidance. My parents divorced, my mom worked all nights and I took care of my siblings. Unfortunately I was introduced to porn at that time, if there is one major regret of my life, clicking that first link is it. I got addicted, maybe because it was Taboo or interesting? Idk why. I watched in front of my younger siblings. They never had any clue what I was watching, I never involved them at all. It is worse, sometimes I would engage myself (in secrecy) with my baby brother in the room. Still they were absolutely clueless as I was in a different area or the bathroom, and completely covered while they watched the tv obliviously in a different area. The worst part for me is I knew it was wrong but didn’t understand WHY it was wrong. I used to think, “if my mom caught me watching I’d be in so much trouble.” But it never once occurred to me why is it wrong for a person to do this, why could this be harmful to your siblings even if they never knew or never find out, how will this hurt your heart for the rest of your life? Like honestly it is the worst to live with and a major part of my ocd obsessive cycle is to confess and I’m scared of confessing. I’ve already confessed to my mom, my partner, I’m scared I won’t feel satisfied until I confess to more people. But people won’t understand what mental state I was in, what cognitive state I was in being 11 and the family dynamics that left me largely in charge and unsupervised at those times. I’m sorry I just need to CONFESS I guess

POCD

Eljaeee

Date posted: 5y

I know this may not help, but here's what I think. You were just a kid. Kids don't think like adults do. And their minds aren't really black and white like ours are now. They don't really know morals and facts and what's wrong and why it's wrong because they're kids. And sometimes kids will do things and try things out just because. I too wish I never clicked on anything. But does that make me a bad person? No, I was a kid that didn't exactly know what was going on. And I know it seems impossible, it's almost impossible for me to do as well struggling with POCD, but you gotta stop looking back. Idk if this is compulsive behavior or not, but maybe try saying "okay yeah, yeah it might have happened, idk. But even if it did, what does that have anything to do with now?"

amommy03

Date posted: 5y

I had a similar experience when I was 11 and has caused me much guilt and anxiety. My therapist told me at that age children are children. They do not comprehend sex and what is morally right and wrong. They don’t understand it because they don’t think like adults. Knowing that I was able to let go easier and move forward.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

False memories that I KNOW are Faldo make me scared I wanted to engage my siblings. There was a time my brother was sitting on my couch and crawled on my leg. I think did I coax them up there? It’s so scary. The more I try to remember the more the ocd tears me to shreds and the obsession/compulsions cycle intensified and the s**c***l thoughts come into play

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you guys for all of your responses. ?

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