Am I gross? (zOCD) 20s, F So for a lot of years, like 8,since I was 16, I've had this dog and she likes belly rubs a lot. She is very sweet and tender girl. And sometimes when I laid down in the couch with my hand outside of the furniture, she would place her belly in my hand for scratches. I would play with her boobies a lot: twist them and pull them. I don't think I've ever done it with Sexual intentions. I know she liked the affection so I kept doing it. I'm fact, it was only fairly recently that I've learned that dogs have sexual pleasure? Im not sure of this last part because when I was younger I've read that only humans and dolphins felt pleasure. I never thought much about it. However I'm scared, my memories aren't too trustworthy! What if I already knew/thought that dogs could feel sexual pleasure?? I also remember having dirty thoughts every once in a while but I don't remember what kind and I'm assuming the worse. My dad used to make a lot of sexual jokes about my dog and they kinda stuck on me. I don't think I had evil intentions but I'm not sure.... A year ago, when my ocd exploded, I began to think that what I was doing could be wrong and I stopped immediately. I even stopped petting my dog because of the shame. Thank you for listening to me. Do I deserve to die?

Thank you... I'm really suffering right now. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I remember having weird thoughts, probably influenced by my dad's jokes. (sighs) I used to do it playfully and sometimes unconsciously. I don't remember getting sexual gratification. But the ugly thoughts are bothering me... That's for sure. I don't remember what they were to be honest. Maybe I feel evil because of ocd. I don't know. Everything is a mess.

@myocdstory My dad used to call me a lesbian as a child like it was an insult and now I have HOCD. Things just happened that way sometimes

@wellwellwell Oh God... I'm so sorry... I am queer but I hate the word lesbian... It makes me feel uncomfortable. That's awful... You aren't alone... My family used to put me down and they are the reasons of my ocd... (hugs) I'm here. I've went through sexual orientation OCD and one day I realized that it didn't matter if I was straight, gay or bi. I'd never know. I just continuef to do what I thought it'd make me happier.

@myocdstory Did you know when you had HOCD that you weren’t straight? Going through this has honestly been hell

@wellwellwell I have a husband so it makes it all so much worse. I’m sure you understand what it’s like. I just hate it.

@wellwellwell Well, my experience is much more different than others because I suffered to be a very idealistic person in my family's person so I was deeply "castrated" (my therapist used this term to explain how tied up I was in this perfect persona) that I had a really bad undeveloped childhood and abnormal teen years because of it. I had hocd but for different reasons. So my road shouldnt be used as an example Look, I hope this isn't to trigger you but it's impossible to be 100 straight or gay. Everyone is a bit bisexual. It could be 1 percent, 10 or 50,it doesn't matter. The number is never zero. So let's say you're 1 persvent bi. Ocd will take that and transform it in the biggest mess. It will amplify it and make you question everything. Does it make sense so far? It never goes away... To this day, I don't know and it's OK. You can use a label that makes you the most confortable or wear none, like me Honestly, due to my life right I hate being whatever I am. Either gay, straight, bi. Everything sucks. I wish I had zero sexual interest

@myocdstory Honestly, so incredibly true. I can be ecstatic and in love and any shred of attraction is ruined by ocd. It’s definitely a mess. How long have been suffering?

@wellwellwell Hmmm... For 13 years

@myocdstory Lol same! Since I was 7? the themes change but the anxiety doesn’t

@wellwellwell Yeah. Hocd, 13 years, zOCD like 4? And pocd 3 years

@myocdstory HOCD since I was 16, harm ocd from 7-10, pregnancy, cheating, the whole shebang. I really hate it. POCD sounds horrendous, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that

@wellwellwell Oh gosh! Same to you! Pregnancy ocd must be horrifying! (and yeah... Pocd is crap)