Three weeks ago I could barely swallow food. Every time I ate, I would get sick. Not because I was sick, but because I was plagued with thoughts so vile and disruptive that I was made physically ill every time they occurred. I fantasized about hurting myself. That, somehow, cutting into my skin would make the thoughts stop. The only thing that would make them stop, stop the heart pounding dread that I felt every waking moment was sleep. Sleep was only achieved by taking powerful tranquilizers that were then later needed to function. I would get 15, maybe 20 minutes of peace. A still mind. Something that alluded me constantly. And the thoughts. Thoughts that my very existence was a lie. Everything I loved was a lie. I felt dissociative, like I was in a body that wasn’t mine. No matter how hard I fought, the thoughts remained. I was spend my entire day googling, looking for answers. The what if’s constantly lurking in my brain over and over. I no longer recognized myself in the mirror. I felt hollow, like a ghost. This is OCD. No, I’m not obsessively washing my hands or correcting picture frames that are slightly askew. I’m fighting an invisible enemy. One that there is no escape from; my own mind. After finally getting the correct cocktail of SSRIs and benzodiazepines, I was able to fully commit to exposure response prevention. Put in plain terms, facing my worst fears, and not reacting. So began the grueling process of writing down scripts of worst case scenarios, “maybe my husband doesn’t love me anymore and we will need to get a divorce. Maybe my kids will be taken from me because I’m irreparably broken.” Rehearsing these scripts out loud over and over again. Always ending with the words “and I will learn to accept that.” Through this process I was finally able to beat my thoughts at their own game, once I had said them and sat with the discomfort time and time again, the anxiety lessened. But, wait, OCD isn’t done it’s not willing to go down without a fight. “Why aren’t you anxious anymore? It must mean you WANT these things to happen. You’re a fraud. You don’t even have OCD.” With these thoughts comes more ERP. Allow them to be there. Thoughts are just thoughts after all. If there is one thing that I have learned it is that we are not our thoughts. Thoughts come and go. We are our values, our actions. Those are what matter most. OCD will try to take them from you. Don’t give in. This fight for me is daily. And I have accepted that I will have this in one form or another my whole life. The thoughts have lessened, have quieted, but are still there if I give them power. Some days are better than others. I still need my back up benzodiazepines when life gets to be too much and I’m not strong enough on my own. I am now able to make it through the day with two instead of three. The hope is that one day I will only need them for emergencies. But, one day at a f*cking time.