- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
It seems like you are in a lot of pain over this memory. Your feelings are valid! It was a traumatic experience and you have some healing to do. Please don't add to this pain by blaming yourself. You deserve to live and you deserve recovery.
- Date posted
- 5y
I think i feel extra shame about this because I was raised to be a virgin until I was married. I was really sheltered and went crazy in college. Then after college my house was abusive and I was in debt with very low self esteem, and fed up with being screwed over by guys, so I tried this. I wasn’t careful and I just believed any man that spoke to me. Also my most recent ex boyfriend was a narcissist and would emotionally abuse me. He would bring up my past in fights saying “how can I marry you” and “anyone can record you. If we are married and something surfaces from the past I will divorce you immediately” I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. He wasn’t violent, he was just an asshole afterwards and was nice to me for the full month I talked to him before meeting him. My OCD constantly craves closure so I sometimes feel like messaging him and going off, but that would probably make it worse.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Anxiousgirl It seems like you have made some healthy insights. You know your ex was abusive, and that messaging him probably won't help you. When it comes to the values we are raised with, it can be hard to question them. Just remember that you are your own person and can make your own decisions about what you want to be important in your life. No one who is emotionally mature would judge you based on past mistakes.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Anxiousgirl The experience you had was traumatic and not your fault. You are not the one who should be ashamed, he is. As for emotional abuse, that can be just as traumatizing as physical abuse. You have been through a lot. I’m sorry your ocd is taking advantage of these traumatic situations. Have you brought up your suicidal thoughts with your therapist?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Nikki1809 I’ve bought it up briefly but she hasn’t been concerned I guess because I don’t have a plan or anything. I just get suicidal thoughts once in a while like “wow I wish I was just dead so I don’t have to suffer anymore” or “I wish a bus would just hit me”. I don’t have the guts to harm myself. Sometimes I act like I’m gonna do something in front of my parents for attention because they don’t take my mental health seriously. They just think I can snap out of things. I am really affected by this during the pandemic because I have more time to think and I’m off medication. I went 3 years just living life and keeping busy. The police and my therapists have just told me to think of it as a business transaction that went wrong and the other party didn’t hold up their end of the deal. The guy probably has done this many times and is a professional scam artist. I want to sit back and let karma take care of him but part of me and my pride makes me want to get the last word or reestablish my dominance. I just wish I can let it go. I made the decision and consented and I wish I didn’t have so much shame about it.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Anxiousgirl I’m sorry. I think it counts as a traumatic experience. Just because it’s a transaction doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt you. It should be taken seriously by the people around you. Besides, my opinion is that if you were drunk your ability to consent was dubious at best. Even if you weren’t, it still wouldn’t be ok what he did to you, and you still wouldn’t be the one with fault. I know it’s hard but treat yourself with compassion around this memory. You recognized in your post that you were taken advantage of, so I think deep down you know this wasn’t your fault.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Nikki1809 He definitely manipulated me and took advantage. But the fucked up thing is he kept stringing me along saying he would date me and pay my first allowance the next week. He had me come meet him again at the same bar the night after and the same thing happened. I was so desperate at the time and didn’t want to whore around so I wanted to make it work with this guy even though I didn’t like what was happening. I was always uncomfortable but didn’t even care because I wanted so bad to get out of my house and get out of the debt I was drowning in. I learned later there are forums for these sites that give caution and advice for filtering out these creeps. I didn’t know anything and just winged it. These men manipulated me to think what they wanted me to do was part of it. I was so sick of getting screwed over in regular dating I figured why not try this while I’m single. I think obsessing about this 3 years later has a lot of ocd in it but yes it is traumatic. The hours of searching I did on porn sites was so exhausting. I hate constantly trying to check my reputation. Everyone tells me even if I was secretly recorded the lighting in a bar basement won’t make me recognizable and people can edit your face onto things. I just get extra obsessed because the guy knows my name. I need to be more compassionate towards myself. I just wish he would go to jail already or karma can get him so I don’t have to worry about running into him again. NYC is huge but my ocd still tells me I’m in danger, my reputation is in danger, I will be going viral etc. I hate this! But I know I have to sit in uncertainty. I’ve never been blackmailed or anything so idk why I’m like this.
- Date posted
- 5y
I have different issues and causes for my anxiety and depression, but I can empathize with your pain. Researching and reading books have helped me a lot. Try buying a book on a topic that you think might help you understand your situation and offer solutions. Brené Brown might be good for you. Reading this reminded me a bit of what you are experiencing too: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-release-shame-and-love-all-of-you/...
- Date posted
- 5y
Good read! Thank you ❤️ I am trying to read more self help books and I’m doing CPT with my therapist. It’s just extra hard to do brain work during this pandemic when I’m alone and bored.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Anxiousgirl Keep at it, but I understand how hard it is...
- Date posted
- 5y
I have carefully read through your note and comments and want to give you a giant hug. It sounds like you grew up religious, or at least with expectations of living high standards. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and studied family life/ human development. If you want a friend to talk with, I am no therapist, but would love to understand your situation better. Blessings, Kimberly
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you dear ❤️ I was raised in a Muslim home, so these kind of things are taboo. My parents are still American and westernized, so I eventually opened up to my mom about this (however it’s not a good habit because my OCD seeks reassurance from my mother and she gives in to that). I was always raised to care about reputation. I am not shallow, but think if it was a younger more attractive guy and not some fat 40 year old creep, I wouldn’t feel so bad because it’s just not a good look for me at that age (I was 23 when this happened).
- Date posted
- 5y
Oh neat! I totally get the seeking reassurance (I’ve been through it too). I am so sorry that happened to you! One book that you might super enjoy is called Bonds That Make Us Free. If you decide to read it, I will reread it with you. It has been one of the best books to help me heal. Best, Kimberly
- Date posted
- 5y
I will check it out. Thanks !!
- Date posted
- 5y
@Anxiousgirl Of course. And always feel free to reach out to me, with any progress you feel you’ve made or any extra support that you may need.
- Date posted
- 5y
are you in therapy/do you have access because if you’re worried about them maybe you should talk about it with someone
- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah I’ve been in therapy since I was diagnosed at 14 (I’m 27 now). I can’t afford my ocd specialist anymore so I talk with someone on the BetterHelp app that has experience in PTSD. Regardless I am still struggling. I have no insurance to get medication right now.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Anxiousgirl i’m sorry you’re going through this. you can make it. you are stronger than you know x
- Date posted
- 5y
@cwllms I’m strong but not as much as I’d like. When I get in these funks I can’t concentrate on my work. I don’t want to lose my job over my mental health. I just become paralyzed and procrastinate my work
- Date posted
- 5y
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Related posts
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 21w
I'm currently at one of the lowest points with my OCD despite me working so hard on it and everything that I know it stems from because a lot of my OCD comes from trauma from sexual abuse as a kid and as I got older and a lot of other stuff which is also why I have Complex PTSD. I was doing so well, I started medication, and I was in this dual housing program for treatment and everything was going okay. That was until I ended up getting SA’D by a man there and none of the staff cared or did anything despite me doing everything possible and gathering all of this evidence and all the people there either didn't care or bullied me relentlessly as they laughed with my abuser. It was so painful and I felt so alone. I think what triggered my spiral was that it was very similar to the reactions of my past assaults and thus my OCD came spiralling alongside my C-PTSD symptoms and I feel like it is worse then before. I left that place but its still absolutely terrible and I feel so hopeless and hurt. Not only did this man hurt me like I have been in the past he brought back the very thing that caused me so many years of suffering. It makes me sick. I don't want to think these thoughts or feel these horrible urges and sensations. I feel so disgusting and broken.
- Date posted
- 20w
I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?
- Date posted
- 16w
Please be gentle. (Diagnosed OCD and highly suspected BPD) I lost my grandmother, someone I was very close to a month ago. My dad was diagnosed with cancer, his health is declining rapidly. My grandfather speaks of committing because of the loss of his wife. My job has become completely mentally and physically exhausting. And a close friend blocked me for unknown reasons And I’ve been coping in unhealthy ways. I stupidly weened myself off of my meds after 3 consecutive years of taking meds. I wanted to ‘feel’ again. I am an individual with very strong morals. I’d never usually do things I don’t agree with. For example sending explicit images. Something I’ve never done and said I’d never do. However i recently did it. I’m completely disgusted in myself. I never did it for pleasure, I did it because I liked the positive comments in return. I didn’t show my face in the images, but my tattoos were there, and we exchanged selfies previously. I used a fake name. I panicked and deleted everything after a few days. Blocked him. But I’m terrified he’ll spread them, or they’ll somehow lead back to me. (We are both adults btw) I’m completely disgusted, paranoid and ashamed at what I’ve done. There’s no excuse why, but I can’t forget it, I’m terrified they’ll come back to me somehow. It’s something I’ll never. Ever. Do again. I have no idea how to cope with all of this.
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