- Date posted
- 4y ago
- Date posted
- 4y ago
It seems like you are in a lot of pain over this memory. Your feelings are valid! It was a traumatic experience and you have some healing to do. Please don't add to this pain by blaming yourself. You deserve to live and you deserve recovery.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I think i feel extra shame about this because I was raised to be a virgin until I was married. I was really sheltered and went crazy in college. Then after college my house was abusive and I was in debt with very low self esteem, and fed up with being screwed over by guys, so I tried this. I wasn’t careful and I just believed any man that spoke to me. Also my most recent ex boyfriend was a narcissist and would emotionally abuse me. He would bring up my past in fights saying “how can I marry you” and “anyone can record you. If we are married and something surfaces from the past I will divorce you immediately” I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. He wasn’t violent, he was just an asshole afterwards and was nice to me for the full month I talked to him before meeting him. My OCD constantly craves closure so I sometimes feel like messaging him and going off, but that would probably make it worse.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Anxiousgirl It seems like you have made some healthy insights. You know your ex was abusive, and that messaging him probably won't help you. When it comes to the values we are raised with, it can be hard to question them. Just remember that you are your own person and can make your own decisions about what you want to be important in your life. No one who is emotionally mature would judge you based on past mistakes.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Anxiousgirl The experience you had was traumatic and not your fault. You are not the one who should be ashamed, he is. As for emotional abuse, that can be just as traumatizing as physical abuse. You have been through a lot. I’m sorry your ocd is taking advantage of these traumatic situations. Have you brought up your suicidal thoughts with your therapist?
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Nikki1809 I’ve bought it up briefly but she hasn’t been concerned I guess because I don’t have a plan or anything. I just get suicidal thoughts once in a while like “wow I wish I was just dead so I don’t have to suffer anymore” or “I wish a bus would just hit me”. I don’t have the guts to harm myself. Sometimes I act like I’m gonna do something in front of my parents for attention because they don’t take my mental health seriously. They just think I can snap out of things. I am really affected by this during the pandemic because I have more time to think and I’m off medication. I went 3 years just living life and keeping busy. The police and my therapists have just told me to think of it as a business transaction that went wrong and the other party didn’t hold up their end of the deal. The guy probably has done this many times and is a professional scam artist. I want to sit back and let karma take care of him but part of me and my pride makes me want to get the last word or reestablish my dominance. I just wish I can let it go. I made the decision and consented and I wish I didn’t have so much shame about it.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Anxiousgirl I’m sorry. I think it counts as a traumatic experience. Just because it’s a transaction doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt you. It should be taken seriously by the people around you. Besides, my opinion is that if you were drunk your ability to consent was dubious at best. Even if you weren’t, it still wouldn’t be ok what he did to you, and you still wouldn’t be the one with fault. I know it’s hard but treat yourself with compassion around this memory. You recognized in your post that you were taken advantage of, so I think deep down you know this wasn’t your fault.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Nikki1809 He definitely manipulated me and took advantage. But the fucked up thing is he kept stringing me along saying he would date me and pay my first allowance the next week. He had me come meet him again at the same bar the night after and the same thing happened. I was so desperate at the time and didn’t want to whore around so I wanted to make it work with this guy even though I didn’t like what was happening. I was always uncomfortable but didn’t even care because I wanted so bad to get out of my house and get out of the debt I was drowning in. I learned later there are forums for these sites that give caution and advice for filtering out these creeps. I didn’t know anything and just winged it. These men manipulated me to think what they wanted me to do was part of it. I was so sick of getting screwed over in regular dating I figured why not try this while I’m single. I think obsessing about this 3 years later has a lot of ocd in it but yes it is traumatic. The hours of searching I did on porn sites was so exhausting. I hate constantly trying to check my reputation. Everyone tells me even if I was secretly recorded the lighting in a bar basement won’t make me recognizable and people can edit your face onto things. I just get extra obsessed because the guy knows my name. I need to be more compassionate towards myself. I just wish he would go to jail already or karma can get him so I don’t have to worry about running into him again. NYC is huge but my ocd still tells me I’m in danger, my reputation is in danger, I will be going viral etc. I hate this! But I know I have to sit in uncertainty. I’ve never been blackmailed or anything so idk why I’m like this.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I have different issues and causes for my anxiety and depression, but I can empathize with your pain. Researching and reading books have helped me a lot. Try buying a book on a topic that you think might help you understand your situation and offer solutions. Brené Brown might be good for you. Reading this reminded me a bit of what you are experiencing too: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-release-shame-and-love-all-of-you/...
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Good read! Thank you ❤️ I am trying to read more self help books and I’m doing CPT with my therapist. It’s just extra hard to do brain work during this pandemic when I’m alone and bored.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Anxiousgirl Keep at it, but I understand how hard it is...
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I have carefully read through your note and comments and want to give you a giant hug. It sounds like you grew up religious, or at least with expectations of living high standards. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and studied family life/ human development. If you want a friend to talk with, I am no therapist, but would love to understand your situation better. Blessings, Kimberly
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Thank you dear ❤️ I was raised in a Muslim home, so these kind of things are taboo. My parents are still American and westernized, so I eventually opened up to my mom about this (however it’s not a good habit because my OCD seeks reassurance from my mother and she gives in to that). I was always raised to care about reputation. I am not shallow, but think if it was a younger more attractive guy and not some fat 40 year old creep, I wouldn’t feel so bad because it’s just not a good look for me at that age (I was 23 when this happened).
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Oh neat! I totally get the seeking reassurance (I’ve been through it too). I am so sorry that happened to you! One book that you might super enjoy is called Bonds That Make Us Free. If you decide to read it, I will reread it with you. It has been one of the best books to help me heal. Best, Kimberly
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I will check it out. Thanks !!
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Anxiousgirl Of course. And always feel free to reach out to me, with any progress you feel you’ve made or any extra support that you may need.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
are you in therapy/do you have access because if you’re worried about them maybe you should talk about it with someone
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Yeah I’ve been in therapy since I was diagnosed at 14 (I’m 27 now). I can’t afford my ocd specialist anymore so I talk with someone on the BetterHelp app that has experience in PTSD. Regardless I am still struggling. I have no insurance to get medication right now.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Anxiousgirl i’m sorry you’re going through this. you can make it. you are stronger than you know x
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@cwllms I’m strong but not as much as I’d like. When I get in these funks I can’t concentrate on my work. I don’t want to lose my job over my mental health. I just become paralyzed and procrastinate my work
- Date posted
- 4y ago
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Related posts
- Date posted
- 14w ago
I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh
- Date posted
- 13w ago
My last and almost life long theme/sub-theme largely subsided recently and my ocd felt like it wasn’t even an issue. Then I went on winter break from uni and being alone made my mind come up with a whole new topic to obsess over. TLDR on my fears, my advisor wouldn’t email me back for a while about signing up for classes so my mind started to worry “what if he doesn’t in time and you can’t enroll this semester and you lose this whole life you just built and all these new friends” So when that issue was resolved my mind found other scarier ways I could be uprooted from my current life and friends that I’ve grown so attached to. Then my mind remembered back when I was struggling with false memories and scrupulosity and I essentially made a post on a forum 2 and a half years ago saying I did something or was convinced I did something that I never actually did. Now I’ve been spiraling about someone finding it reporting me and I either get seen as a horrible person or arrested or something over something I never actually did but “admitted” to out of fear of going to hell. My mind won’t let it go and keeps finding new reasons for it to be “valid” “logical” or even inevitable. I feel like it’s just hanging over my head and I can never rest easy. Especially when I try to focus on my daily tasks or plan for the future I get this horrible flair up of “why plan for the future when this could come back in that future and you get uprooted from all of it” my mind won’t rest without certainty being uprooted won’t happen but certainty doesn’t exist, at least not with ocd. This sucks and I miss being care free.
- Date posted
- 12w ago
Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.
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