I’m worried about my suicidal thoughts that come up from time to time. Sometimes I’m fine and I talk myself through things but other times I’m obsessing about things I did in the past and have so much shame. The worst case scenarios and fears I come up with in my head feel so real and I just want to die after thinking about it coming true. One memory I’m stuck on is when my friend told me to try a sugar daddy site 3 years ago. I was used and taken advantage of. I got drunk and went into a bar basement and gave the man oral sex. I felt horrible and it was humiliating and degrading. He ghosted me after that and found me again on Instagram months later. He said “remember me? You really enjoyed it.” And then when I called him out he said “you drive a Benz. Why would I pay you. Bye hoe”. My OCD tells me maybe he secretly taped me and I’ve gone viral, or he will ruin my reputation even though it was 3 years ago. Or no man will want me because of my past. I was in a low place and got taken advantage of. I have a police report against him but because i consented the police said nothing can be done. He is 17 years older than me and after I googled him I found out he defrauded investors for hundred of thousands of dollars and is known for scamming people. I don’t even want to stay in New York anymore I just want to run away. I can’t handle the shame and the intrusive memories.

I think i feel extra shame about this because I was raised to be a virgin until I was married. I was really sheltered and went crazy in college. Then after college my house was abusive and I was in debt with very low self esteem, and fed up with being screwed over by guys, so I tried this. I wasn’t careful and I just believed any man that spoke to me. Also my most recent ex boyfriend was a narcissist and would emotionally abuse me. He would bring up my past in fights saying “how can I marry you” and “anyone can record you. If we are married and something surfaces from the past I will divorce you immediately” I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. He wasn’t violent, he was just an asshole afterwards and was nice to me for the full month I talked to him before meeting him. My OCD constantly craves closure so I sometimes feel like messaging him and going off, but that would probably make it worse.

@Anxiousgirl It seems like you have made some healthy insights. You know your ex was abusive, and that messaging him probably won't help you. When it comes to the values we are raised with, it can be hard to question them. Just remember that you are your own person and can make your own decisions about what you want to be important in your life. No one who is emotionally mature would judge you based on past mistakes.

@Anxiousgirl The experience you had was traumatic and not your fault. You are not the one who should be ashamed, he is. As for emotional abuse, that can be just as traumatizing as physical abuse. You have been through a lot. I’m sorry your ocd is taking advantage of these traumatic situations. Have you brought up your suicidal thoughts with your therapist?

@Nikki1809 I’ve bought it up briefly but she hasn’t been concerned I guess because I don’t have a plan or anything. I just get suicidal thoughts once in a while like “wow I wish I was just dead so I don’t have to suffer anymore” or “I wish a bus would just hit me”. I don’t have the guts to harm myself. Sometimes I act like I’m gonna do something in front of my parents for attention because they don’t take my mental health seriously. They just think I can snap out of things. I am really affected by this during the pandemic because I have more time to think and I’m off medication. I went 3 years just living life and keeping busy. The police and my therapists have just told me to think of it as a business transaction that went wrong and the other party didn’t hold up their end of the deal. The guy probably has done this many times and is a professional scam artist. I want to sit back and let karma take care of him but part of me and my pride makes me want to get the last word or reestablish my dominance. I just wish I can let it go. I made the decision and consented and I wish I didn’t have so much shame about it.

@Anxiousgirl I’m sorry. I think it counts as a traumatic experience. Just because it’s a transaction doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt you. It should be taken seriously by the people around you. Besides, my opinion is that if you were drunk your ability to consent was dubious at best. Even if you weren’t, it still wouldn’t be ok what he did to you, and you still wouldn’t be the one with fault. I know it’s hard but treat yourself with compassion around this memory. You recognized in your post that you were taken advantage of, so I think deep down you know this wasn’t your fault.

@Nikki1809 He definitely manipulated me and took advantage. But the fucked up thing is he kept stringing me along saying he would date me and pay my first allowance the next week. He had me come meet him again at the same bar the night after and the same thing happened. I was so desperate at the time and didn’t want to whore around so I wanted to make it work with this guy even though I didn’t like what was happening. I was always uncomfortable but didn’t even care because I wanted so bad to get out of my house and get out of the debt I was drowning in. I learned later there are forums for these sites that give caution and advice for filtering out these creeps. I didn’t know anything and just winged it. These men manipulated me to think what they wanted me to do was part of it. I was so sick of getting screwed over in regular dating I figured why not try this while I’m single. I think obsessing about this 3 years later has a lot of ocd in it but yes it is traumatic. The hours of searching I did on porn sites was so exhausting. I hate constantly trying to check my reputation. Everyone tells me even if I was secretly recorded the lighting in a bar basement won’t make me recognizable and people can edit your face onto things. I just get extra obsessed because the guy knows my name. I need to be more compassionate towards myself. I just wish he would go to jail already or karma can get him so I don’t have to worry about running into him again. NYC is huge but my ocd still tells me I’m in danger, my reputation is in danger, I will be going viral etc. I hate this! But I know I have to sit in uncertainty. I’ve never been blackmailed or anything so idk why I’m like this.

Good read! Thank you ❤️ I am trying to read more self help books and I’m doing CPT with my therapist. It’s just extra hard to do brain work during this pandemic when I’m alone and bored.

@Anxiousgirl Keep at it, but I understand how hard it is...

Thank you dear ❤️ I was raised in a Muslim home, so these kind of things are taboo. My parents are still American and westernized, so I eventually opened up to my mom about this (however it’s not a good habit because my OCD seeks reassurance from my mother and she gives in to that). I was always raised to care about reputation. I am not shallow, but think if it was a younger more attractive guy and not some fat 40 year old creep, I wouldn’t feel so bad because it’s just not a good look for me at that age (I was 23 when this happened).

I will check it out. Thanks !!

@Anxiousgirl Of course. And always feel free to reach out to me, with any progress you feel you’ve made or any extra support that you may need.

Yeah I’ve been in therapy since I was diagnosed at 14 (I’m 27 now). I can’t afford my ocd specialist anymore so I talk with someone on the BetterHelp app that has experience in PTSD. Regardless I am still struggling. I have no insurance to get medication right now.

@Anxiousgirl i’m sorry you’re going through this. you can make it. you are stronger than you know x

@cwllms I’m strong but not as much as I’d like. When I get in these funks I can’t concentrate on my work. I don’t want to lose my job over my mental health. I just become paralyzed and procrastinate my work