My sister is bisexual and told me that before she came out she had internalised biphobia (something I’m terrified of having myself) she tried to look at photos of guys to prove she was attracted to them and used to talk about them to her friends to make sure they didn’t suspect anything, and all I can think of is that I do all the same stuff too. I’m freaking out because I try and make sure that nobody thinks that I’m gay and I try to prove my attraction to men. I also sometimes get excited when talking to girls similar to when talking to guys, but with the girls I think it’s the topic of conversation, and usually I get bored after a few minutes, whereas with guys (before my boyfriend) it was more the fact that a guy I liked was paying attention to me. I really hope that that’s what it is. I’m terrified that I need to just admit that I’m bisexual like my sister and should come out and that I’d feel better rather than suppressing my ‘attraction’ to women, despite only wanting to be with men and only fantasising about men in a romantic way when I feel normal and not panicky like this (because right now, all my thoughts are bombarded by these bisexual thoughts and I’m struggling so much)

She says she knew really, that she always felt attracted to women the same way she felt attracted to men, and that made me start freaking out because unfortunately my brain can replicate feelings, which is why I hate the harm ocd thoughts I have against myself because it makes me ‘feel’ the pain, and I’m scared that maybe I’m attracted to women but just never accepted it or allowed myself to be

@gingernutter See that's the thing, IM SO SCARED. I find girls rlly pretty and I admire them but I GOT MEMORIES TO WHEN I did what she did. I'm so confused :/ Like I remember that these bi girls were like "the girls are so pretty" and i agreed but IDK WHY I AGREED. "was i attracted to them?" So lost

@stars I’m like that too, I find girls really pretty and admire them, but I’m not actually attracted to them I don’t think. I think I fear an attraction to them so much that it’s become a compulsion for me to panic immediately or say “I wish I looked like her” in my head straight away to stop me from thinking of anything that could make me panic. My brain keeps wracking my memory for any instance where I found a girl pretty or wanted to hang out with a girl and is using that against me despite me only wanting to date guys until this all started

@stars It’s so hard, especially since our brains are so good at making us feel things we wouldn’t normally feel unless we were thinking about it. Ocd is such a little bitch, you know, when I was little, I was absolutely convinced that my parents were werewolves? It even got to the point where I thought that I was a werewolf. It lasted so long and it was constant thoughts and panic attacks but it was years before I got an official diagnosis. That’s what it can do. It’s urged me to strangle myself because I couldn’t stop thinking about doing it for weeks until I finally cracked, it’s made me feel things I didn’t want to feel, made me convinced that I genuinely wanted to scoop out my tonsils with a spoon. It’s so weird, it’s so annoying, but it’s all ocd. Everyone has intrusive thoughts like us, but our problem is we react to them and we panic and we feel physical sensations and urges that other people don’t which makes it feel so real. We just have to remember that as long as we keep fighting, we’ll make it out okay on the other side. It’ll never go away, we’ll still have relapses and thoughts and panics, but none of it dictates what we do with our lives. We have choices and we can choose what we want to do, despite whatever our ocd says. I choose to stay with my boyfriend and choose to love him because he’s just perfect, and I chose him for a reason, and that was because I liked him, both looks and personality wise. And my ocd can’t make me stop liking him, I won’t let it. Don’t let it stop you from doing what you want.

@gingernutter Yea, I was also intimidated by girls sometimes. Usually, it's the ones who are popular, rlly pretty, and intelligent. I'm so scared and it's been one of my biggies obsessions. In the past, people have called me bi but i denied it cause i'm not but now, i feel like i denied it because of society