I just did a huge decontamination compulsion because I washed my hands for 20 seconds, touched some things, including my face, and then really doubted that I washed properly. Through out this like....45 minute decontamination (for less than 30 seconds of touching) I could feel my rational brain, struggling to come up for air and tell me it was my ocd. But my ocd brain was so strong.... I just had to keep cleaning and decontaminating. Is it a positive that I realized, even just barely, even though i couldnt stop? Or is that basically how it will always be?

I have the shower curtain problem too! Ugh! I was literally wishing I was richer so I could have a bigger shower the other day, then realized the shower size is not the problem...its just me hahah ohhh boy. Thank you for the insights!

@catattak I feel you...I could have a shower with no walls or curtain placed at the 50 yard line in the middle of an empty football stadium and still feel like I touched the curtain or something to make me feel unclean. I'm really struggling with getting the showering under control but that will come in time. OCD likes perfection...except we are human and thats impossible so dont be so hard on yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes as you work through this and just breathe.

@ans87 I try to follow CDC guidelines for handwashing in the shower. Each body part gets 20 seconds of scrub and then I have to make myself stop. That helps!

@catattak I do that too! Except that I still feel like I need to scrub and scrub *just in case* and that's how it gets out of hand so easily for me. Plus I cant see where the soap goes when I was my face/ears/neck so that's always the hardest part for me. I never would have thought that showering could be such an ordeal until my OCD decided to escalate ?

@ans87 I agree about the like "maybe I missed a spot" or "maybe I didnt scrub properly here" or "did I really get under my nails enough?". That's the hard work. Trusting that we are thorough, and stopping at the scientific guidelines. Sometimes i dont trust that i counted 20 seconds properly. But we have to focus and trust we did it properly and move on so it to feed our ocd. Clearly i struggle with after my post here but all we can do.is work towards our goals :)

@ans87 I noticed in your profile you've been dealing with contamination ocd for a long time and you are married. This is really new for me. It started when my husband got presumptive covid in early april. I lost my mind because we had been being so safe and now I've gone above and beyond because I was following guidelines and he still got sick (this was pre-mask guidelines by the way, I have a but more faith with masks being mandated more and more). But i noticed my over obsessing is really taking a toll on my husband. A few weekends ago i washed my hands upwards of 70 times, sanitized all of my belongings and locked myself in MY bedroom (I'm not sleeping in the master. I moved into the spare room when he got sick and cant get the courage to move back in). How does your husband handle your ocd? I make money's so hard. I really get on his case about what's dirty and what's not. I cant help it. I get so frazzled when I dont think he washed his hands properly or when I think he's getting sick again). I yell and shake and cant handle it. Hes so patient with me but it's taking a toll on us.

@catattak Wow, we have a lot of similarities...I also repeatedly ask my husband to rewash his hands or wipe something down after hes touched it and as much as I hate to say it and know it is 300% untrue, my OCD honestly makes me think he never cleans things up to a standard that I think is acceptable. I have been dealing with this for about 3 years, but my OCD has really gotten out of hand in the last year. So my husband has had a front row seat to how bad I've become with all of my complusions. But he has been so understanding and is actually the one who found the NOCD program for me. He is absolutely wonderful, but I feel like such a burden and feel so guilty because I never used to be like this and he didnt sign up to be my therapist and do things like coach me through my 3 hour shower every single night. I'm so so so scared I'm going to lose him if I dont make any progress. The thing that my husband is struggling with the most right now is not enabling the ocd by doing the things I ask him to do like washing his hands yet again because that doesn't help me get over this. He sees how upset I get and overwhelmed I feel when things aren't clean enough for me and he is desperate to help to make me happy and provide some relief but he also knows that's not the best course of action...hes having a hard time with tough love as I'm trying to recover. My ocd has definitely taken a prominent role in our relationship and that kills me, but he always says this is just a rough patch for me and that he knows I would do the same for him if the situation were reversed. I'm so very lucky because he is such a big supporter of me and plays an active role in this process. I know you said this is all very new to you as it was triggered by the pandemic...have you been able to speak with a therapist about your concerns?

@ans87 Oh my god the similarities are there. When he first came out of isolation I spent a lot of time teaching him my standards so he could stay safe in case I got sick. And he really isnt up to my standards but I'm slowly realizing and TRYING to accept that I'm extreme and hes doing fine. My husband is also a huge supporter and like you, my ocd is at the fore front of our relationship but hes dedicated to supporting me through it. He also struggles with the balance of not enabling me, but also not challenging my ocd so much that I run up and lock myself in the spare bedroom. Maybe our hubbies should chat for support lol My therapist recently went on mat leave so I'm just starting with a new one who has said she will let me guide my own erp and will work on emdr in our sessions. I also recently started cipralex and I think that's giving my brain breathing room

@catattak I'm so glad you didnt wait to seek help and that you're speaking with someone and doing erp! I just the other day decided after discussing it with my husband to have a conversation with my therapist about trying medication to help support the erp. Feeling trapped like this is the absolute worst thing I've ever experienced. Having someone who supports you and is in your corner is such an asset. Ocd is definitely a whole family affair, but I keep telling myself that if I put in the work, it wont always be like this and that's a good motivator for me. Like you said, I'm also trying to not lose my mind if my husband doesnt do something that I deem necessary to prevent "contamination"...I love him more than anything, but I dont even want to think about his habits and how he lived during days as a single guy living alone (?) and yet he was always fine and so was I whenever I would visit him!

@ans87 Lmao so true! Even before all this I would talk to friends like "how did he even live before me??" Haha he did. He just lived a really different life surrounded by pizza boxes ? But you're right seriously. My guy is also a hefty rule follower. I cook without recipes and he follows e er recipe to a T. He's also really strong at following cdc rules for the pandemic and directions in disinfectants. I need to trust him.

@ans87 I also hope you get help with some meds. It's only been a few weeks for me but I can honestly feel the breathing room AND they make me do less doomsday planning. Before the meds I was CERTAIN I'd end up dying on a ventilator if I got covid 19. Now I recognize theres a chance I may. I also recognize theres a chance I may not. It's still just as scary, but my head isnt buzzing with thoughts of me about to be intubated waving goodbye to my family on a video call from a covid unit. Those thoughts are still there but way less frequent and last less time. Which I think is how normal people are reacting. They see the threat, but also have room in their brains to go about their other daily tasks. That's what I feel like it's doing for me. Its giving me a bit of extra room to focus on work or tend to my garden. Or have normal conversations with my hubby that arent about daily case numbers or vaccine news. I really hope you get the help you need. I really want to believe this isnt forever for us ?

And we wash them so much its like "did I? I remember washing my hands, but I cant remember which instance that was put of the many times today"

@catattak Exactly, it all just blurs together

@MegLizRob One very good reason to 9nly do it when it's necessary!