guys im literally stressing my self out so much, my brain keeps on being negative and is making me convince my self something that isn't true, it's like " what if you're secretly thinking of this when thinking of this "

I am right there with you. I’m literally going through the exact same thing right now. I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t know what’s real from imagined anymore. My brain is so foggy and clouded and I’m just getting by day to day on autopilot. I keep replaying the same scenarios in my mind searching for meaning and purpose behind my actions and it’s driving me mad. I have myself convinced that I have harmed my daughter. She is my whole entire world and i would never intentionally hurt her. But here I am wondering if I have because of some ocd thoughts that came into play as I was carrying out an action. I’m replaying it so much I don’t even know what’s real from fake. I’m so sad and scared and I’m worried about losing my daughter due to my mental illness. I’m literally questioning everything about my being right now. I a constant state of fear, doubt and anxiety. I don’t know how to snap out of this cycle of ruminating.

I think in a way I was trying to face my fear by practicing ERP on my own and it backfired. And now I feel worse. I read a particularly triggering story at work so I knew I was going to struggle all day with it mentally, having an intrusive thoughts, etc. and it just so happened to be the day I got my daughter back from spending a week at her fathers.. I was tired and about to change her diaper and lay her down for a bottle. As I changed her diaper, I had an intrusive thought about wanting to touch my daughter. It was completely expected given my exhaustion and the triggering/emotionally draining day I had. I quickly let it pass. Then it was time to lay her down and give her, her bottle. She kept standing up and rolling around to play before I could get the bottle into her mouth. So I needed to lay her down with one arm, and quickly give her her bottle. Because of my ocd and intrusive thoughts, I never handle my daughter in a way where I am forced to have my hand between her legs. Or any other way that could cause me to question myself for that matter... So, She was completely clothed. And I told myself I was going to handle her in that way to desexualize the idea of that area when casually handling her. She was in her crib and kept standing up. I had a bottle in one hand and my hand behind her to maneuver her gently back down into her crib I was required to lay her down with my hand grasping her diaper. Before I was going to do it the thought in my head popped in “go ahead and do it, it will get the urge to touch her inappropriately out of your system. It’s not illegal or inappropriate to handle your baby that way, so even it was to get some weird urge out of your system, it’s not illegal.” And before I could argue anymore in my head, I swiftly laid her down with that maneuver. And immediately felt immense guilt like I had given into some sexual urge. I keep replaying it in my head. Did I get sexual gratification out of that? Why did I choose to handle her like that? Why was I thinking so much about it? Is that considered molestation?