my existential ocd gets very detailed...usually when I haven't been existentially obsessed I would be good at making up things about life and death to comfort me like if friends casually talked about death and like cremation vs burial stuff I would always joke about oh I'm going to get frozen so that way I don't have to die and people would laugh and it would comfort me that I could pretend death isn't going to happen to me and now my existential ocd is back but normally I could come up with jokes or something to delude myself and be like you don't know if you're going to die Elon Musk could find the pill for immortality tomorrow and you live on Mars you don't know what will happen but I just can't comfort myself in that way anymore or right now even as a dumb joke because my brain keeps saying death is real its inescapable and it will come for you and if I let the thoughts run off on their own then I even start to imagine the day i will die not like what will happen but I just visualize myself on my death bed old and gasping for air and realizing that this is the end life is over and like how did I get here in the first place why are we born into this world to love our family and friends so much just to be deleted. It's like you are in this movie and as one of the characters you don't know it's a movie you dont know there will be end credits at any point you are just playing out the story, but I feel like one of the characters who realized the end credits are coming and there is nothing I can do about it and therefore it's hard to watch anything lately where my mind doesnt say yeah that actor is dead, or that actor will die, and so will I, and even animated movies with death I am avoiding which I know I should stop doing and expose myself more. But it doesn't even have to be shows about death if I see a show about a family and people who love each other my brain is like yeah they will all be dead one day and forgotten... In the future this show will be one of trillions of tv shows from my time that no one will watch and me and my time on this earth will be a blip on a huge never ending universal existence. And usually it's at night when I am alone that I get the most scared and it's really hard to be mindful and present and tell myself you aren't there yet stop going there.