One day I’m fine, and then the next I get hopeless with suicidal thoughts. This pandemic is really causing me some cabin fever!! The same routine everyday. No car in the suburbs just relying on my moms car when it’s available. Working from home in my bed because the other rooms in the townhouse are loud. What a depressing life.

I took a mental day from work today because I just needed to be away from work for an extra day. It’s too much day in and day out. I went for a run and continuing a workout indoors so I’m feeling a little better but my thoughts are just always in my head. I keep having shame about my past and thinking no one will love me and that I’m worthless. My narcissistic ex would break me down and bring up my past and saying “how can I marry you”. A few years ago I tried a sugar baby site and got exploited and never paid. It was a low time in my life when I was in debt and wanted to get out of my toxic home environment fast. I stopped after a few months of trying and failing with 2 men. But I worry now if I ever open up about my shame and pain over this that my future partners will leave me. I truly feel worthless.

@Anxiousgirl We have all done things we are far from proud of. Just remember that you have no obligation to tell anyone anything or to give any explanation. You don't need to confess and "come clean". Your future partner doesn't need to know every single thing about your past if you don't want to tell him. If and when, however, you do, then you can view it as a little test - if he is a judgemental prick you will know you are better off.

Thanks for your support. I commented under the other persons comment on here about the details of it but it’s meant for anyone who has some advice for me. I have this built up anger and get the urge to confront anyone who has hurt me because I have a pride issue and want to regain my power. I’m trying to learn to let things go.