Is anyone here Muslim? I was raised Muslim but rebelled in college and after that, and turned out to be the complete opposite of a good Muslim girl. I’m American so I guess that also has to do with it. Now at 27 I feel like crap, and I am feeling extra shame about things (real event OCD) because of my upbringing.

I’ve posted a few times about my experiences on here if you’ve ever seen. I basically joined a sugar baby site as per the the direction of my friend and cousin who knew I was in debt and sick of dating guys my own age. The poor mental health plus the desperation to leave a toxic home caused me to get used by older men. One bought me into a bar basement for sexual things and another to motels. Never got paid and just judged my them, never saw them again. My narcissistic ex in Dubai would use my past against me and ask how he could possibly marry me. I was gonna be a virgin until I was married but when I went to college I went down a self destructive path. Now I think no one will love me and that I have to confess my past just in case it comes back to haunt me (even tho I may never see these men again my ocd says everything will haunt me). I constantly try to check the internet to see if my reputation is still in check. I’d like to believe there are nice men out there who either don’t wanna know about the past or don’t judge.

@Anxiousgirl I understand the feeling. My psychologist used the term "hostile world" or something similar. Basically the idea that any mistake or fault you have made in the past can fall in the hands of someone who can use it against you, right? I got into the streak of confessing things compulsively. What happens is that you may get some relief about a particular incident but your OCD will soon find something else to obsess about until you get to the point where you need to confess every tiny failure. It's not a good path to go down and you'll only feel more anxious. Without giving specific reassurance, I think you need to recognize that OCD will make your faults seem much worse than they actually are. There is always a possibility that your past will come and haunt you, but everyone at some point has done something that could cause that to happen. It's just not something people talk about openly, so your OCD has convinced you that your faults are particularly bad and that you're particularly unsafe. There's a risk to living that we both have to accept. I've also done the checking compulsion, very frequently in fact, I recommend cutting that out of your life. Please feel free to talk to me further, but don't feel the need to confess every bad thing you've done, it really doesn't matter.

@salvation I appreciate your response. Yeah. I’ve had OCD when I was 14 and back then it was HOCD (also doesn’t fly in Muslim culture lol) My parents are Americanized but the Turkish Muslim comes out of them when raising me). I have curbed the checking for the most part but when stressed I sometimes slip. I think “what if I was secretly recorded doing these things” and check porn sites. It’s hard with real event ocd because these worst case scenarios do happen to people. I guess I dated the wrong guys. I realized later he was a narcissist and that’s what they do. I’m trying to have a positive view of men and dating. My OCD makes me feel different or lower than other people due to the extra shame and I feel like I don’t deserve what other people have or I don’t deserve a nice guy. It’s hard for “your past doesn’t define you” to stick in my head. I knew better back then but my mental health made me do some self destructive things. I struggle to have self compassion. I also get the urge to confront people or perpetrators from years ago. This is definitely reassurance seeking or me trying to get my pride and dignity back. Randomly lashing out at people who have hurt me won’t change anything yet the urge is there. I’m trying to find peace and forgive others but my OCD makes it so hard. Always seeking closure but never getting it.

@Anxiousgirl Your last line summerises OCD very well. Hopefully we can both accept the prospect of living with uncertainty. Unfortunately it seems from talking to others that real event OCD can be among the hardest to deal with. One ERP exercise I use is to write down precisely what the worst case scenario is and just look at it without trying to disprove it. Just accepting it.

@salvation That’s what my therapist tries to have me do. When we sit with the anxiety and uncertainty in the long term our body will adjust to the anxiety and then we will have less anxiety. It’s just hard because when I do this I can’t concentrate on work and other things. It’s like I become paralyzed. I’m currently a temp worker and don’t have insurance. I can’t even get the meds I need. *sigh*

@Anxiousgirl The sooner you start practicing, the stronger you'll be, and the easier it'll get.