How do you work or focus on what you have to do while doing exposure and sitting with uncertainty? When I try to do this I get paralyzing crippling anxiety or in a mental funk that I have trouble concentrating and being productive at work or just my everyday life. I also get a hopeless unmotivated feeling because imagining the worst case scenario and not giving into compulsions (real event ocd worsened by PTSD) Any techniques to keep focused and motivated?

Not confessing is the exposure but it’s really hard, especially in a relationship. You can instantly tell by my face if I’m obsessing and hiding something. Any boyfriend will be like what’s wrong? it’s hard now because I’m a temp worker and don’t have health insurance. I have been off of medication for 2 years and it’s been such a struggle.

@Anxiousgirl I dont want to give advice here, but I would.imagine when you've found the right, supportive and loving partner, you likely would tell them, and honestly I think they would be okay with it. The right perso wouldnt hold that against you. Your last partner sounds abusive holding that over your head. I wouldnt assume they were normal. That's not normal. And I dont think it's crazy to assume you will find a good person who will love you regardless of your past. It just takes time.

@catattak I know you’re right. My ex turned out to be married with 2 kids and he is 43 years old not 33 like he told me (he aged well). So that’s enough proof he is not normal. But I still get upset having flashbacks to that relationship. He used to spit in my face too. I had the same fears back then and would stay with him because I didn’t think I deserved better. There’s many people who tell me I don’t have to share such things with a partner, but I like being honest and feel like it would make us closer as a couple.

@ meds / insurance That's really hard.

@Anxiousgirl Oh my goodness! Spit in your face? It makes sense you would get upset having flashbacks. Of course you would. Regardless of roght or wrong it still happened and was still terrible. You're not wrong for feeling upset and hurt about what happened. I just hope that when you can move forward, you find a calm and supportive partner. I suppose you wouldnt NEED to tell them of course. Your story is yours to tell. But I think if you found someone you knew in your heart was genuine and kind, you wouldnt care if they knew or not. But it's true. Your story is yours and yours alone to tell.

To add to the partner advice,.. if someone knew you had OCD and understood what that meant, a good partner would stop encouraging or probing for something when he knew you were obsessing over a potential confession. There's not a lot of people who understand OCD, but if someone has a good heart and are willing to learn, they would start to help you instead of becoming another potential person to obsess about their reaction.

So,.. perhaps one way to reframe this is.. you're actually really concerned about not being close or emotionally close with a partner.. that's your *real* concern. And your brain is using confession as a way to try and secure this. I think having your truly valid concern and values in your mind and heart can help you during your exposures that the confession and/or searching isn't as necessary as it feels in the moment. Complete knowledge of someone isn't required to feel close and be supportive.

@MaraNOCD Whoa Mara coming through with the deep stuff. Yes!

@MaraNOCD Mara and @catattak....thank you so much for your responses. After losing some best friends over the years and being alone for a while (especially during pandemic), I really appreciate this kind of pep talk like I’m with a bunch of girlfriends. I was just crying today over lost friends and feeling like I’m the problem.

@Anxiousgirl Girl, some people are truly terrible and you can wind up being surrounded by them. I have family that is absolutely terrible and only as an adult did I get away from them and realize the world is a good place, some people are just lunatics and when i got away from them, my world opened up. You seem like a genuine and kind person to me. Trust that now everyone you meet will be benevolent but there are lots of good people out there. It's super hard during a pandemic to meet those people, so to.manage expectations, I have to say I think it will be a while yet, but try to keep the faith that you got the crappy end of the stick, but there are good people out there.

It's hard! We've all been there at times! I definitely have the same deep fear- I think we all do- it just comes out in different OCD forms, what our brain convinced us we need in order to make the lack go away. <3

My compulsion is to check for myself on the internet, whether it be gossip sites or porn sites, to make sure I still have a good reputation and I didn’t go viral or to check that no one secretly recorded me (I’ve seen horror stories of revenge porn or hidden cameras). I’ve never been blackmailed or anything but I’ve had such a wild tumultuous few years so I feel like this kind of stuff is more likely to happen to me. So my exposure therapy in this case is not checking and sitting with uncertainty. Sometimes I don’t even have an urge but then I’ll think of a new keyword that I didn’t try and have the urge to search it. When I refuse not to check my body and mind isn’t used to this and I become consumed with anxiety. Then I start half assing my work or not able to concentrate. I have a tendency to escape through food, Netflix, wine etc.

@Anxiousgirl Well, you’re on the right track with exposure. It should be causing anxiety and discomfort.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett Yeah I know it’s the right thing to do but it’s hard to stick with it because I have to do my job. If I didn’t have responsabilities it would be much easier.

@Anxiousgirl I struggle with this too. The concept of holy hell I have to be a productive employee but I cannot handle myself. I truly believe my work is slipping and its apparent. I really need to keep my job and I try to have work take the focus but it's down right impossible sometimes.

@Anxiousgirl I know. If we could wait for life to give us the right circumstances to recover we could do it. The truth is, we can’t control it. Some things are going to get in the way. Just try to refocus and keep pushing on!

One more thing- give yourself enough alone time and space to follow through and bring anxiety down with an exposure. Don't do it during a rush time like working or on a quick lunch break- I've made that mistake a few times and I end up in a huge mental fog.

This is why making a hierarchy is particularly important. Are there any times in your life you react to smaller amounts of anxiety? (I bet there are). Those would be where your brain can have a chance to practice successfully at riding out and down anxiety. It's like working out... don't try to run a marathon if you've never done a light jog before. Practice with small anxieties.

@MaraNOCD I would do that but I’m not sure how to do it with pure o or real event ocd. If you look at my other comments I explain what my compulsions are.

I see what you're saying. One thought,.. do you ever find yourself saying to yourself any comments like "don't worry, it will be okay, nothing's there.. etc."? Those are compulsions and I can see how pure o could easily spiral and make brain fog if your mind is chatting back and forth about the uncertainty. We can't control the intrusive thoughts ("what if something is there") and you seem determined to control your physical actions of not searching, but perhaps try to be conscious if you are at all reassuring yourself. I've done that in the past and it makes the anxious part of my brain try 10 times harder to get my attention.. hence mental fog.

@MaraNOCD I’ve read that I should think of the worst case scenario happening but that just makes me depressed. Another compulsion I’m afraid to have in the future is confessing my whole past to my future partner. I did that to my narcissistic ex and he would bring it up in fights and say “how could I marry you”. My friend told me to join a sugar baby site a few years ago because I was in debt and since I was single why not.... and I ended up just getting exploited by older men and used like a prostitute. My Turkish Muslim upbringing (even though I’m American) causes me shame and I was always raised to care about reputation so now years later I worry about it coming to haunt me or feel like no man will accept me because I tried a sugar baby site for a few months. Or I feel like I’m obligated to confess this stuff.