I just realized I never had a sex dream about boys but I got it with girls after hocd omg!!!! Im so scared. What doest his even mean!??. I don't want girls at all. I only want boys and only them. I saw a dream today that I was rubbing my vagina on another girl and I feel so disgusted but I'm not anxious or panicking. I'm so scared I'm gay. Help!!! I've been crying and Im getting self destructive thoughts every now and then

Maybe some tips on how to cope with this or at least maybe some one can tell me I'm not alone. I feel like I'm different that other hocd members and I'm so scared :(

@sanzida🌻 Well, if you’re not in therapy then it’s definitely something to pursue if that’s available to you. It’s unfortunate that OCD can make you feel like your OCD is unique or somehow different than the millions of people that have battled it both presently and in the past. But, even if no one else did, it would still be your struggle and how your OCD manifesting. I know it’s comforting to reach out to others, and I think there’s always a time and place to find that support. It’s just an incredibly personal journey, and you have to confront your version of OCD.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett Thank you for the kind words :). It makes me feel a bit better. My hocd is being very lately :(

Ahh I see. That calms me down a bit and thank you so much. I'd be happy to talk to you rn. I really need someone to listen. I've been scared all day that I'm secretly lesbian after that dream. It's been getting to me because I don't really want girls at all. My brain is convincing me I'm repressing my true feelings or something and I'm just really scared :(.

@sanzida🌻 don’t worry you are not alone. hocd feels so real. it’s always a back and forth everyday for me.it always makes me feel like I’m living in denial or lying about myself. I’ll get reassurance for something it brings up then it will bring up something else saying it’s proof. Even though reasurrance feels good at the moment it will come back to bite you a little later because ocd will bring something else up for you to doubt. Logic does not help ocd, that part of our brain is blocked off when we have ocd thoughts. This is why we have to accept uncertainty(I know it’s awful.) But know I am going through the same exact thing so whatever you need to talk about I will understand how you are feeling.

@alexa Yes I understand and I'm going through the same thing :(. And Thank you for offering to keep me company. I can't deal with my hocd anymore, I guess I dug my own grave very deeply. Every time I think of a guy and see them I don't get my natural feelings like I used to get 2 years ago. Ive become s completely different person over these 2 years and it makes me so sad. I cry every night remembering my past self who was boy crazy and had a nice sexual libido. That old me is gone and I'm so sick of it. I want my old me back but it never comes back. Hocd is making me sexually repulsed and I wish I could get an immediate relief from it :(. I want my bf dearly but my brain says I like girls sexually. I never liked them sexually. I get dreams and stuff and these mental images and I'm physically disgusted but in my head I've become so desensitized and non panicky. I'm scared :(.

@sanzida🌻 I get everything you are saying I feel the same way :(. hocd is an awful thing but the fact it consumes all our thinking all the time is a strong indicator it is ocd. A lot of the time the things it tries to use as proof that I am “gay” don’t even make sense. Ocd tries to spin everything no matter what is is to worry. Before all of this I never second guessed wanting to be with a boy, when I was little I was boy crazy and kept asking my crush in daycare when we were getting married hahaha!! Just know that the you before you became worried is not gone, just clouded by this crazy ocd that overtook your mind. Don’t give up though. Getting better may seem impossible, but it is possible. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am working on that right now. It all starts with accepting uncertainty no matter how much you do not want to. It helps to know you are not alone, so know I am going through every thought, feeling, sensation, and worry you are. at the end of the day you want to be with a boy even if your ocd is telling you you don’t.

@alexa Yes this is exactly whats happening probably. I'm so stressed and irritated. I'm really desensitized but I still keep wondering about my hocd every minute. I feel so bad and I just can't see a way out anymore. I've always wanted a guy and to marry one and to be sexual with one but rn my brain is telling me that I forced myself to be with them and it's scary. Ik I need to accept uncertainty but I just can't, I want to be sure I'm attracted to guys. I can't remember how I was either 2 years ago. Like my memory has gotten so clouded by OCD. Idk what I want or desire anymore. :(. And thank yo iso much for still being here and listening to my long rants

@sanzida🌻 no problem!! It helps me too to listen because I relate so much!! literally it makes me so confused on what I desire anymore too some days I’m so sure I want to be with a guy then the next day my mind will throw all this stuff at me and make it seem so real that I don’t and make it seem impossible!

@alexa Same I relate to this so much!!! I'm so glad that it's helping you to listen to me. I relate to you in so many ways I feel less lonely than before