When did you hocd start and at what age.

My relationship with this theme has been complicated because I’m pretty sure I am actually bi. That being said, I’m 100% sure that that’s seperate to my OCD. Let me explain. - The thought first came into my head when I was 12. At that point I had only ever crushed on guys and I had no libido since I was a child. I came from a Christian family, and I was paranoid about breaking religious rules at the time. (I think you see where this is going). My initial fear was based in zero fact. The only reason I thought I was lgbt was because I liked the word bisexual and because I thought flannel looked nice. That’s it. I had all the common compulsions, self checking, researching etc. - When I was 13, I actually did end up developing a crush on a girl. Even though accepting it involved my usual compulsions, looking back it’s easy to see how it was denial. I enjoyed thinking about kissing her and I only started panicking when I realised how often I zoned out to think about her kissing me. I was actively pushing those thoughts away, not forcing myself to check. That’s the key difference. Denial is ignorance. By definition, you can’t be in denial because with HOCD you’re actively ruminating on every thought and considering every possibility. - By 14 I accepted I was bi and was pretty content. I was free from any sexual confusion until I came around a post about bi erasure. The user was talking about people who don’t believe in bisexuality. Then, a thought came into my head and I panicked “what if she’s right? What if this is just a phase?” That’s where I’ve been since tbh.

my hocd actually started this year in may (age 16) and it was brought up when i remembered when i was in 7th grade, i thought i had ‘liked’ a girl. thing is, it was just a friend crush because i seriously didn’t see myself romantically/sexually involved w a girl + i didn’t feel the same way that i felt about boy. it was more of a ‘let me be your best friend’ type of thing. nothing more than that. since i didn’t know that it was a friend crush, i confessed to her that i ‘liked’ her but that same day i realized that i truly ddint like her because i simply didn’t see myself w a girl in that way. before and after that, all my crushes had been boys since i was really boy crazy. after that we remained close friends since it really didn’t damage our friendship. she came out as a lesbian 3 years later and i was really proud of her as a friend. thanks to quarantine tho , it resurfaced. it made me feel really bad since it’s been 5 years and i changed a whole lot since 7th grade (i’m now a senior) and it went against my values. i’ve always been pretty carefree but this really hit me like a truck. these days i’ve been doing a whole lot better with all the meditation and just being kind to myself. i know that i can’t change the past, but i can try to shape my future. also, ever since i was little i’ve wanted to get married to a man and have a family w him. it always brings me joy to have that cute scenario:)

When I was 23 - 3 years ago