i feel like i use codependency as a form of distraction i had a best friend of 8 years who i basically texted almost every other day throughout the day for years and we would have 5 hour phone calls or longer just analyzing each others lives and laughing and problem solving mostly her problems becuase i prefered it that way and then when my depression got bad she couldnt handle that i was distancing myself and i just was frank about how i just didnt want to talk to her about what was happening and she blew up and i apologized and she blew up more on me and that was my first spiral of like loss of identity and crying like the world was crumbling and everything she said in a long rant were like my worst nightmare coming true in regards to what you dont want a best friend saying to you and i had to call my sister at 3 am and get her to tell me everything is going to be okay and ask for reassurance that i was a good person because i immediately started to think everything she was saying was true i wanted to believe it to make sense of what was happening so i could fix it but i also knew there was no going back from that moment and i went through three days of needing to cry to other people asking people what to do i even cried to one friend and then said what if my crying is manipulating you into feeling sorry for me and im a bad person and i went into a desperate search to understand what happened and i eventually had to delete basically all my social media in fear of getting another angry or passive aggressive message from her but i was too afraid to block her but i couldnt handle reading her messages it would drive me into a state of panic and so i was obsessively searching codependent friendships and saw that narcississts and codependent people are drawn to each other and i immediatley was afraid i was the narcississt and just didnt know it because how would a narcisist know they are one? and i would save articles on articles about codependents and narcississts trying to get reassurance that i was the codependent one because i heard they could be helped at least and i feel like since our falling out right before covid i have been going through serious withdrawals from the constant love bombing and reassurance and identity and purpose i would get from our friendship and then i moved from trying to focus on that to focusing on my sisters depression and how to "fix" that for my family but really for me and then two weeks ago after my sister said something to get me to back off of trying to have heart to hearts with her in a way that was kind of mean but maybe not intended to be ... i started second guessing my whole life again and then i smoked weed one night and all of my fears and obsessions and childhood shit came up to the surface and i just went into panic attack crying break down mode like my ocd was trying to solve how i got here by finding proof of all the ways im broken and all the intrusive thoughts ive stuffed down and ever since ive been scared of feeling that low again and i think my ocd is feeding on how intense my fear has been since that first panic attack and yeah im just hoping with the right meds and these sessions i can feel more like myself again but also like an improved me ... more me than i was before but i also need to learn to take it one day at a time and be gentle on myself its hard but im trying ... the lows are so low that i want that immediate fix but im just glad i have you guys and this app

"Pure" OCD

Fathomable

Date posted: 4y

It's cool that you've identified codependency in yourself. Codependents are also attracted to eachother and whilst her reaction to your withdrawal was frightening and not acceptable as an outburst, it's not a guarantee that she has a personality disorder. It sounds like you gave eachother support and reassurance, both of you, and whilst this may not have been a healthy level of reliance, they also are not actually bad things to have in a relationship when it's in moderation. My point is that if you can learn how to set healthy boundaries for yourself and others, no person in a friendship or a relationship can be a threat to you, and your friendships will either be healthy or disintegrate as the other person balks against your newfound boundaries and expectations of them to exercise their own boundaries. You'll be able to have healthy relationships, it just takes time. It does sound like the codependency then went onto your sister and you struggled with some boundaries there too. Let me be clear: having bad boundaries is not a sign of being a 'bad person'. There's no such thing. It's a sign that you weren't taught them and haven't had yours respected by other people in your life either. It's all very much changeable, for you and anyone who puts in the effort. It's not doomed. It felt painful when your sister wanted you to back off, because you wanted to feel close to someone and help them. It's really understandable. Her being annoyed with you doesn't mean there's something awful about you or that your relationship is ruined. Meds will help. Being gentle with yourself will definitely help- even self tolerance leads to growth and eventually self compassion, and you've done amazingly for already figuring out what you're struggling with (codependency, boundaries, assertiveness, fixing) and wanting to change it and change your life. You can only grow and become better to the extent that you're able to accept yourself as a worthwhile person in all your flaws- bullying and criticising yourself into it won't work. You will never be a perfect person, because there's no such thing a perfect person. You've made mistakes and had problems, and so has everybody else. You'll make mistakes and have problems for the rest of your life, even if they're if a different nature, the thing that's going to change is how resilient you are to them, how well you can bounce back rather than taking it to heart. And it's kindness as understanding for yourself which will get you there. Whenever possible, try to imagine that you're one of your friends, and that friend is coming to you with the same problems and fears and regrets- would you judge or reject them and be harsh and critical? Or would you want to show them love and help and support them? I promise the feeling of needing to fix situations and people and make them all better will evaporate all on its own, when you're able to really turn that care and concern towards yourself, and support yourself to get there with love. After all, it's not like you want to fix your sister because there's something wrong with her or she's doing something wrong. Even if, yes, it's also a distraction from your own life, it's still because you love her and want her to be ok. So less seeing yourself as a problem to be fixed, and more as a work in progress, and the hero of your own story.

Anonymously

Date posted: 4y

thanks for your response, advice and support :) i do hope i can learn to turn that energy towards myself and get there with love, i like how you word that, and yes to be clear i think all that research was just me needing reassurance i do not know if she has any disorders of any kind i was just hoping i didnt have one if anyone of us had to have one but i have no way of knowing any of that for sure i just became obsessed with researching what happened so i could make sense of everything and how i was feeling even though that would never work lol it just leads to needing more research and reassurance and yes i dont want to fix my sister her depression can just get so intense that i get scared of something bad happening so i inflate my responsibility in our relationship i definitely want to learn to be more gentle with myself and putting less pressure on things needing to be a certain way and i really want to work on self love, acceptance, and gratefulness and practicing being easy on myself so i can just enjoy the journey good and bad, thanks again for your insight and advice i appreciate it 🙏

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond