I saw 3 bisexual TikToks on my feed in a row and now I think that they’re signs; it’s triggering me. Just had to write that down. Thank you.

Disgust, horror, feeling uncomfortable, on edge and anxious. I started to cry and I worried about the videos for at least three hours; I eventually went to bed at 2 in the morning. Thoughts: what if I am? What if this is telling me something? The main one, however, is what if I’m in denial/have been in denial my whole life but it’s just been masked by disgust? The last thought lingers in my mind constantly and I can’t really get peace as it’s always nagging; I try and ignore it but I’m in an anxious state all the time (even when I haven’t been triggered by anything in particular). I can’t hold a conversation or go a full day without experiencing anxiety. It’s very difficult.

@MentallyDrained You feel constantly bombarded

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yes. It’s not pleasant and it’s not necessarily guilt but instead disgust and anxiety. I wondered whether it was denial but I told my Mum what I was experiencing and she told me that she’d accept me no matter what; that didn’t give me relief however, because I didn’t want her to accept me. I wanted it to go away. I didn’t find a single thought pleasant. I didn’t feel relief. Instead, I felt like I wanted to convince her that I was straight. Anything else made me feel uneasy. She said that she didn’t think that I was homosexual but, instead, anxious (because I’ve been stuck in the house for so long). I asked her not to tell my grand parents what I was experiencing because I felt distressed and I didn’t want them to think I was. However, no matter what I did I always had this nagging feeling that made me anxious and upset; every time I watched a TV show or contacted my friends I felt unnerved, especially when a female came on the screen. At this point, I’ve lost my sense of identity; I don’t know who I am anymore and that petrifies me because I’ve always been so certain; I’ve always known what I’ve wanted and how to obtain it (I’m a perfectionist btw, I worry about my grades, my appearance, how well I complete tasks such as driving, how others perceive me, etc).

@MentallyDrained Has OCD exaggerated the importance of your sexuality and caused you to overlook and reduce the importance of other aspects of your identity?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yes. I don’t know who I am anymore.

@MentallyDrained I wonder what you can do to bring other facets of your identity back into focus

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I don’t know.

@MentallyDrained Have you cut back on or stopped engaging in activities or relationships that used to be important to you?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Well, kind of I guess. When it comes to work I have to do, I find it extremely difficult to complete tasks in a set time frame because a worry takes over at some point and it causes me so much anxiety that I cannot complete the task. Also, I usually get triggered by conversation topics and then I start to get quite agitated.

@MentallyDrained So OCD is interfering with things that used to be facets of your identity

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yes. I don’t really trust any of my emotions, thoughts or feelings anymore. Instead, I feel a sense of growing emptiness and a nagging feeling that wants me to find certainty so that I can be happy. It all started because I accidentally looked at someone in the wrong place. However, the fact that it happened several times made me believe that I was doing it on purpose (even though my eyes went there because of the camera angle, how I was sat, etc). At the time, I had been worrying about my weight and appearance obsessively because I had too much time on my hands. I’ve had many mental illnesses over the years but none quite as bad as this. There have been points where I had to rewatch the same scene at least 10 times so that I could check and there have been others where I have worried about things until 3-4 in the morning. There is nothing I want more than to be straight but my mind keeps telling me that I’m not; it makes me SO uncomfortable (it’s not the kind of discomfort you experience when someone says something gross either, but the kind of discomfort you would experience if you saw a murderer brutally beheading one of its victims. You know, the kind of discomfort that never leaves you until everything’s over with?) There’s always a sense of uneasiness and anxiety that’s nagging at me and polarizing me; I want to be this but my mind says that I’m secretly this despite the disgust and horror I feel. I know that you could suggest that accepting the slight possibility that I am but telling myself that I don’t have to act on it (not that I want to anyway) would help but I know that I couldn’t live with the possibility forever (as this is what causes the anxiety and discomfort I feel). Also, I get intrusive thoughts asking me if I’ve come out yet/telling me that I’m bisexual. These cause me hours of discomfort and anxiety because they’re telling me the opposite of what I want to believe. I also have a weird thing about colours because if I see colours associated with gay flags/any gay flags in day dreams, I take this as a sign. You see, I seem to make progress until a memory/event enters my mind, causing the cycle to continue. For example, I’m friends with this girl at college and I always get excited when I see her because we have some really interesting conversations about the paranormal. I also used to get jealous when she asked my friend Kerry for the answers (because I knew them to). Now, when I look back, my mind comes to the conclusion that I must’ve liked her. Please bear in mind that the idea of touching her inappropriately makes me want to hurl/vomit as it makes me so uncomfortable. However, I still believe this because of the excitement and jealousy aspect. I would do ANYTHING to be straight. I don’t want to touch a woman or be with one. I don’t want it at all yet my mind keeps telling me that I fancied someone I met for a brief second, several musicians, EVERY SINGLE famous person I see on my feed and EVERY SINGLE ACTRESS in anything I watch. Sometimes I wonder whether they’re false memories and I truly hope that they are because of the thought of them being anything else...just no. However, the internet claims that if you have experiences like these you have InTeRnAliZeD hOmOpHoBiA...but I’ve read all the bisexual stories online and not related to them. I’ve always rewatched every single HOCD or denial video and How I Knew I Was Bisexual video on YouTube and I still come to the same conclusion...that I’ve got HOCD. It’s just the false memories, gronial responses and intrusive thoughts telling me I’m Bi that I have trouble with. Then again, I have had false memories over pretty much every female friend of mine. I’m just stuck because I wish that I could get rid of the past so that internalized homophobia wasn’t even an issue. I hate it. I really god damn hate it. I don’t want to find her attractive but what does this excitement and jealously mean? I just want to live my life as a heterosexual woman (and that’s not because my family isn’t accepting because I know that they wouldn’t really care). That’s all I want.