Hi everyone my name is juxhin and i would like to share with you my experience with hocd and possibly false memory ocd So it all started when i woke up one day and remembered a scene from a movie that had two men kissing and realized when i saw this i didnt feel atracttion but i didnt feel disgusted either does that mean im gay? And so i questioned it and questioned it all day long i would see a male and i would ask do i feel anything and i would kinda force myself to like females i was i have i have i have too and my brain was like fuck you im not getting atractted. And then i saw a video on hocd they call me jesse’s videos on hocd and many many others but the thing is i was like how do i fix this and was scared omg this is never gonna go away and started getting imense anxiety but then i found the exposure technique and was very hesitant to try and i mean very. I chose to ignore the thought until it lost its power and tbh it actually worked i beat hocd and was sure about my sexuality i had no intrusive thoughts i didnt need to force myself to like someone and i was just overall sure that i was straight and had no doubts at all. But then i went out with one of my friends who is gay and another one of my friends. And he started making some gay jokes which dont get me wrong i have nothing against i have also made a ton of gay jokes in the past but back then i wouldnt vizualize or get anxiety from them and so hocd struck again. And then anxiety doubt and so on but then one night i forgot about these thoughts and didnt remember them for a good amount of time and then my worry was what if cuz i forgot these thoughts that means i accepted them and am actually gay.And i freaked out. But this time it went from being gay to being bisexual. And then i took some antidepresants to calm my anxiety but never tried exposure. But then to try and test myself i went and watched gay porn and i was like do i like this and then all of the sudden i was like omg i actually like this omg i actually like male genitals holy shit this is so real and it felt so damn real. Then i talked to psychologist which wasnt specialized in hocd or ocd at all. And she told im its fine its just puberty doubts and i actually calmed down and was feeling pretty damn confident so i gathered myself and did exposure and i was fine i was living life and even though the intrusive thought was coming in i wouldnt dig in it and could actually enjoy my life. What worries me now is something that i remembered all of the sudden out of nowhere when i was listening to music and that was that one time i had gone out with my gay friend and another one of my friends and my gay friend had come in a really feminine outfit which stood out to me but the thing is i didnt actually believe he was gay at that time. All the anxiety i was experiencing before hocd was me trying to comprehend how he could be gay i couldnt believe it cuz the day before i thought he was straight and he told us he liked that girl so i was like the fuck. And in my head i have this memory right now which consists of when we went out with him and that feminine outfit stood out to me in my mind i remember it as when he lowered down to grab something i looked at his butt and doubted am i attracted but then quickly forgot. Now i hadnt remembered any of this until a week ago. Now i remember going out with him with that feminine outfit and i remember him lowering down to get something and me looking at him but i also remember me doubting myself and my concern is omg i had a doubt before hocd that means im gay even though i have all(almost all)the symptoms of hocd like obssesions about sexual orientation,compulsions like watching hocd videos other peoples videos ruminating and seeing stories of coming out by many people taking hocd tests testing myself by watching porn and beating off to it testing myself by watching gay porn and seeing my groinal reaction. And also i have mild perfectionism symptoms like saying i shouldnt be gay straight people dont doubt themeselves i got a doubt(if i even got that doubt)before hocd that means im gay even though even when i had anxiety cuz i couldnt believe my friend was gay and would ruminate the internet on how to be less homophobic and how to accept a gay person i still didnt feel any attraction to males. I was just so baffled by the fact that my friend was gay and just couldny accept it which is homophobia of course. Does having a doubt or two or maybe alot before it became a obssesion mean you are gay? Also i saw something about people who are homophobes being gay and was scared omg im gay or im gonna find out im gay or i alredy am but im just in denial and then i read about internalised homophobia which as far as i read and saw on different videos was when a gay person(or any lgbt sexuality) was repressing their sexuality so basically they were acting homophobic with their friends but alone they were beating off to gay porn or shirtless men now i have never had doubts about my sexuality any time during my life but the i started questioning well i have obssesive thinking i also do compulsions i also feel down which in a article i read are all syptoms of both ocd and internalised homophobia and so i thought and still thinking oh my god i have internalised homophobia im actually gay i do all these things its confirmed i must be gay. And thats basically the only though that bothers me now and i also had a 4 year porn addiction which i managed to overcome but during this time i would only beat off to lesbian porn because i found it extremly stimulating and i was so straight maybe even too straight.I also did this thing where i would tell myself if i were a girl i would be a lesbian cuz i didnt realise how sexuality worked and thought it was a choice but anyway i woul say that because i just loved women with a burning passion but in not so short I heard that hocd happens to people who are too straight and you can definetly sign me up for that i knew i was straight since i was 5 and i had a 4 year old porn addiction and during that time i would only watch lesbian porn cuz it turned me on way more that just straight male on female porn and i was so straight in fact that i was like if i were a girl i would be a lesbian cuz thats just how much i loved girls i only fantazised about them i only beat off to them and one contrast i would like to make my gay friend told me that every girl he liked he forced himself to like where as i didnt i actually tried to refuse the feelings i had for one girl cuz my best friend also liked that girl and i thought if she liked me instead of him he would get sad But then i would feel those butterflies and anxiety when i would be around her i would always be nice to her i would try to get noticed by her obviosly i would try to impress her be close to her so i could have a chance like the things she liked get really embarrased when i would say something bad in front of her And i didnt doubt myself if i liked her or not i knew i did i just didnt want to like her because i was scared of what my friend was gonna think Kinda like a gay person being in denial(or at least i think its simmilar) he knows he likes men he just supresses it thats what happened to me(disclaimer i do not mean to offend any gay person i wish you luck but this is just how i think please do not get offended by it it is not my porpouse)anyways as i was saying I forced myself not to like her but it didnt matter i still felt that attraction to her and ultimately i accepted that i liked her to myself during hocd and i was like am i forcing this and panicked but yeah thats how i think someone in denial about being gay feels(again i do not know so please do not get offended)but im just speculating so yeah this is all i had to say and if anyone responds to this it would mean the world to me and thank you to anyone who takes their time to help me you truly are a blessing.Good luck with your ocd(if you have one i hope you dont and never will)and have a nice day.Thank you again if you do chose to waste your time reading this story of mine