So I’m new to this app and am really struggling in life right now. I have not been diagnosed with ocd (I am looking to be diagnosed but it’s hard with COVID around) or have had an experience of it since about 2 months ago when I think POCD started to happen. One day I had a random thought saying ‘what if you’re a pedophile?’ and literally had a panic attack from that one question. I never had any intrusive thoughts until after that one day. My mind was checking for a groinal response every-time I even looked at a child and now I can’t even look at a child without feeling anxiety and it’s so frustrating. I’ve never had thoughts like this before, every time I even look at a child and think ‘they are cute’ my mind asks if that’s actually attraction? I feel so guilty and anxious every time I even think about being a pedophile and I never in a million years would hurt a child. It’s like my brain is convincing me that I am one. Some days I reassure myself and think that it’s such a stupid thought to have. But others I feel genuinely like I’m a pedophile and it’s so scary. I went on holiday a few weeks later and suddenly my intrusive thoughts about children were gone and suddenly moved on to my sibling. This is what I kind of turn to when I think I’m a pedophile because I stopped obsessing about being a pedophile but turned to worrying that I was attracted to my sibling. I could openly think that a child was cute without overthinking about if I actually thought they were attractive. I’ve also noticed that my intrusive thoughts are more questioning about how I look at children and less actual sexual thoughts about children (I don’t know if that’s a thing with pocd). However after my holiday was over and I got home and saw my sibling less often pocd seemed to take its place entirely and worse than before. I’ve been home for about a week and honestly I’m at my lowest and if this is not ocd then I’m truly terrified. I would rather die than be a pedophile. Also thought I should mention that I obsessed for about 2 weeks that I wanted to be a man. It was very strange and I had never thought of it before and am very comfortable in my own body and my sexuality as a lesbian. Why I think I have ocd apart from the all the things I’ve said above is that as soon as I said “f*ck it, what if you want to be a man?” The thoughts never bothered me again. Due to be never being diagnosed with ocd, my thoughts terrify me and if I don’t have ocd then I honestly don’t know what I am going to do with myself. Any comments would be greatly appreciated and any advice until I get diagnosed? X

POCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Hey! I’m not a professional (but I do study psychology) and what you described sounds like ocd. If you haven’t heard this already: when your looking for a therapist look for someone who specializes in ocd and erp. ERP is the gold standard in ocd treatment. Here is a couple articles about it: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-exactly-is-exposure-and-response-prevention-erp/ https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/ocd-treatment/erp/ While it’s recommended you do erp with a therapist, you can begin on your own. The basic premise behind ERP is that you want to face your fears, not run from them. That means creating a hierarchy of things that trigger obsessions and compulsions, then slowly exposing yourself to these things. One example might be to watch a video with kids in it. While your doing that, avoid compulsions. Some compulsions may be checking yourself for attraction, reassuring yourself that you aren’t a pedophile, looking up the diagnostic criteria for pedophilia, ect. Anxiety will rise, but you sit with it. When you first start erp you will be more anxious, but you’ll learn to handle anxiety and eventually your thoughts will lose their control over you. Because here’s the thing—you can’t get rid of bad thoughts. The more you try the more they come. Besides, everyone has bad thoughts, the difference between us and them is how we react to the thoughts. ERP teaches us that we can live our lives even with these thoughts. Also you said that sometimes you’re able to reassure yourself you aren’t a pedophile. This is going to sound really counterintuitive but in ERP instead of reassuring ourselves (which can be a compulsion) we say to ourselves “maybe I’m a pedophile, maybe I’m not.” It’s kind of like what you did when you said, “yeah, what if I was a man?” Instead of pushing the thoughts away you face them. Don’t ruminate over them, because that’s a compulsion too, but let them be, and go on with your day like normal. The more you fight them the more they come back. It’s like if I told you not to think of a purple penguin, you’d think of a purple penguin. Well the more you tell yourself to avoid thinking about being a pedophile, the more your going to think about it. Also, if your ever having trouble doing erp there’s an SOS feature on this app that walks you through dealing with hard thoughts. Plus lots of tools for creating a hierarchy of things that trigger you and then coming up with exposure ideas. Hope this helps. I know it’s pretty long.

justaname2002

Date posted: 5y

Thankyou so much for the comment, I study psychology too but I didn’t want to be that person who diagnoses themselves, you know? I’ve heard of ERP and I’ve been really scared to try it due to me being not diagnosed with ocd and it’s like my brain is saying ‘you’re a pedophile who’s allowing these thoughts’. From now on I’m going to try the ‘’maybe, maybe not” thing and I hope my anxiety will go down. I just need to tell myself that although it is hard I can get through it. I just keep getting thoughts in the back of my mind that I’m scared I actually am one in denial. Just a question, if you know the answer to it. Is it normal in ocd for me to have intrusive thoughts more about how I look at a child more than sexual intrusive thoughts? Don’t worry if you don’t know. Thankyou so so much for the comment, I can’t describe how much it helps and feel as though I can get help somehow. I hope you have an amazing day! :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@justaname2002 You’re welcome! My main theme is religious ocd but I do have some pocd. Idk exactly what’s common for pocd, but I think that ocd looks different for everyone, and I have seen a lot of people on here worrying about how they look at kids. As for the self diagnosis thing, right now you’re making an educated guess that you have ocd, and I would treat it like ocd and see what happens. You’re experience of how your pocd started sounds pretty much exactly like how mine started, so I think this is a pretty good educated guess.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Nikki1809 Hope you have a good day too. :)

justaname2002

Date posted: 5y

@Nikki1809 Ocd sucks overall. I seriously admire everyone who battles it! I hate self diagnosing myself, but in this case I’m going to allow it as it may be the best thing for me right now. Treating it as ocd is my best bet at feeling/getting better. Once again Thankyou so much, you’ve really helped me❤️

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@justaname2002 I’m so glad to help! ❤️

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