I’ve had HOCD for five months now and I’m honestly starting to wonder whether it’s HOCD anymore. It all started because I accidentally looked at someone in the wrong place. My life hasn’t been the same since.

Yes. It was the chest area; I was lead down on the sofa and the camera angle was a medium shot. I had to physically lift my head up to look at her face. At some point I started worrying about something so I pulled my eyes away from the tv. When I looked back, I was accidentally looking rhere. This happened several times, that’s why I started to panic. I re-watched the same scene at least ten times I could’nt fall asleep until 4 in the morning. Not to mention the fact that I gave nyself a panic attack and a headache. Since then I’ve had every symptom: false attraction (I believe that I secretly fancy my friend, Billie Eilish, pretty much everybody on my TikTok feed, actresses, people I met for a split second but haven’t seen since, TV characters from movies I watched a decade or so ago - and haven’t seen since, may I add, etc). I’ve also had mental images (I’ve had inappropriate sexual images that cause me distress and images of sexual orientation flags that I don’t identify with), gronial responses (over pretty much everyone on my for you page. One time, the arousal was real and I messed me up because I REALLY didn’t find them attractive; I read that you can get real arousal without attraction on a HOCD website but I still felt horrible for roughly 3 weeks), false memories (I believe that I secretly fancied people and that I’ve hidden it from myself despite the fact that these intrusive thoughts haunt me and cause me to have crying fits, headaches and moments of distress) and, last but not least, I have intrusive thoughts that are presented as both statements and questions (have you come out yet, am I gay, you are gay, you are not straight, etc). Every thought gives me countless hours of compulsions and fear, yet I still believe that I am because the thoughts, arousal and attraction seems real. I mean, I got excited when my friend came to sit with me and jealous when she asked me other friend for the answer instead of me. Even though I wouldn’t dare to touch her in a romantic or sexual way, that must meaning something right? It horrifies me but it must meaning something but it must. I’m not sure whether I’m over exaggerating the emotions I was feeling at the time but, either way, I’m terrified of going back to college in case it’s true. I DON’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH HER ROMANTICALLY OR SEXUALLY. It makes me physically sick. Sometimes I believe that I’m in denial so I watch HOCD versus denial videos on YouTube. Sometimes I read “how I knew I was bi,” stories. I don’t relate to them and I don’t want to either. I’m just stuck and I’ve lost my identity now. I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t. I don’t know whether it’s denial, HOCD or bisexuality. Either way, I want it to leave me alone so I can leave peacefully again. I haven’t had a stress free day for 5 months or so and I’ve had enough of it!