Need support- relapse :( today I relapsed with my Horrible Ritual. I did the full thing. Premeditated (partially). I felt just like I used to. When I finished the first half before the seal (cutting) I felt myself sink again. And then I sealed it and it felt exactly how I remembered it. How am I supposed to forgive myself for this. Not just for relapsing - but for the behaviors that make up my ritual. How am I ever supposed to overcome this. I feel hopeless: I just want to sew myself up and kill all my nerve endings. I hate having a body. I feel like complete fucking trash and I can’t fathom anyone looking at my body with anything other than disgust. I have had slip ups in the past but this was my first full massive relapse after a sorta long period of time. Three months has been my longest clean streak and i feel so disappointed in myself. I just want to go to sleep and have nice dreams for once.

Congrats to you for going three full months before! This doesn’t undo that hard work. Tomorrow isn’t starting from scratch at Day One. You made a mistake and didn’t make your goal for that day. We all do that, no matter our issue. I hope you are able to be compassionate toward yourself and meet whatever goal you set for tomorrow. ❤️

“We carry our issues in our tissues,” as my Massage Therapy instructor taught us. You should be congratulated for going three months without self-harming! Your body still remembers what it felt like to self-harm and the “relief” it managed to eke out of the experience (namely, the endorphin rush). It must have been pulling at you something fierce to indulge again, considering all the stress you must be under. That you resisted for so long shows an incredible strength of will. Imagine how much longer you might go next time! I think it’s very important now that you see a doctor about any physical damage you may have done to your body. At the very least, please clean and bandage any wounds you may have. And, if you’re not yet seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist, please consider doing so. A good professional can give you even better support than this app! And—not to toot the MT horn too much—please consider massage therapy to complement any other therapy you do for your body issues and OCD. Skillful, friendly touch has many psychological benefits, including improvement of body image. And don’t worry, you don’t need to be naked...a well-trained MT can perform a good massage over any amount of clothing. You could start small, also, with reflexology (which only utilizes the feet and sometimes hands) or a facial (usually offered at massage spas) or just chair massage (which involves no nakedness at all). I know it’s hard to feel anything positive right now, and it’s okay to feel disappointed. But recovery isn’t linear, and relapses are a perfectly normal and expected occurrence during recovery. Even if you’re not really “feeling it,” try looking in the mirror and telling yourself “I’m proud of myself for resisting self-harm for three months.” Because you’ve earned that praise.

Giving positive vibes!!!