long vent warning ... sorry when describing my death obsession to my therapist they said to me that it probably will turn out to be just extreme anxiety not a full obsession but i feel like thats one of my strongest obsessions besides pocd and sexual oreintation ocd and like ive had moments where i am crying about imagining my loved ones deaths and think about how i cant stop it from happening or my own death grom happening and if i see a death in a movie or someone has died young in the news or if i am looking at my parents at night before bed and noticing their age and my age and how much time weve lived and time is left ... and if its bad enough i have to deep breath and tell myself you dont know when or how you dont know you dont know its going to be okay its going to be okay or get a loved one to say that to me and some days my other obsessions are stronger and i can go a few days where that isnt the focus... and sometimes i can suppress the thought or if i just hold my moms hand i feel comforted and i can distract with well you are here now with your mom its fine... is it normal to feel like you need to prove your ocd to your therapist still like im just really bad at knowing if im downplaying what im feeling or being too dramatic when i give a number im like is 10 right maybe its a 9 i doubt my own understanding of how bad i feel but panic attacks dont lie and crying spells dont lie and thats happened a lot in the past month more than in my whole life when i talk about the death stuff during sessions i dont go into too much detail with my therapist but i did tell them when i was in middle school i had to be the last one to say good night i love you in case something happened to my family before i woke up and if they said it back i had to say it again so id be the last one and that is definitely a death related compulsion and she just seemed like they forgot about that or finds it irrelevant because i dont do that specifically anymore but like when i had my recent panic attack my first serious one ever as an adult and then a few days later another one that led me to go to patient first and get meds because of how scared i was but when those happened it was a spiral of death, sexual orientation, and pocd thought spirals that i couldnt stop or get control of and i hadnt had that death feeling since i was younger and fear of going to sleep because of it and i immediately went wait there is something there ive done something like this before and my memories went to these things i did when i was younger and never understood and the pocd specifically caused me to eventually google my thoughts a few years ago and i remembered ocd popping up and this sense of relief that there was a name for this that im not what i think i am but i still wasnt sure and was scared that i even had to google that and fast forward to when i had these two back to back panic attacks at the start of august i remembered that googling i had done years before and thought shit this could all be ocd this could all be that thing and so i went to the ocd stories podcast eventually and the rest is history after i cried listening to the first episode feeling like there is hope for me this is me this is it ... and only that had given me comfort... but i still was scared because i was like you could say all your thoughts and be told nah actually yeah you have these themes not because of ocd but because you are gay or asexual or bisexual or a pedo and so on but i thoght if there is a chance to feel better than i feel right now then im going to risk it i have to i have to try but since i started sessions all i do is latch onto anything that can be perceived as minimizing my ocd or that i need to get over myself im making this up and the thing is i like my therapist and i trust them and think they are good i just feel like after sessions sometimes i have less assurance about my ocd than i had before my session because i focus on those comments that are probably not meant to make me question everything but i end up doing that... i know there is no reassurance that they are supposed to give me but sometimes i feel like i dont get how saying im on the low end of the ocd spectrum or that my death ocd might just be extreme anxiety is something to tell an ocd patient who is of course gonna spiral in doubt about their ocd from something like that ... i feel guilty typing this like im talking behind my therapists back in the app when i know everything my therapist does is meant to help me get better and i definitely appreciate all the work we have done on my pocd theme so far but these small things are bothering me and i dont know where else to vent... so sorry if i sound whiney i appreciate that i even have this app and a therapist i know that makes me fortunate, i just hope this is just my ocd making mountains out of molehills and that soon this too shall pass?