ok, last post for today (hopefully) so i’ve kinda been avoiding my friends since my ocd started (about a month ago) and my best friend always wants to hang out , but i would make excuses for why i couldn’t because it was so hard to hide my anxiety around her and i couldn’t sit down and calm down if i needed to when she was around. i felt so bad about avoiding her because we’ve been friends since we were babies and she’s always there for me, but i avoid her. and don’t get me wrong, i loved her to death, but she’s much more open about everything and i kind of hide everything from everyone to deal with myself. i think she realized i was avoiding her so she started hanging out with other people which made me kinda sad (ik that’s kind of toxic of me to feel sad when she has other friends, im sorry). so i went on vacation for 2 weeks maybe a week ago, and she came over to my house with one of her other friends today. i immediately noticed how she had a new style and a new personality (kind of) so i was like okayyy? and then she was talking about how she liked sweater weather to her other friend, and then mentioned how her dad was kinda homophobic, and then said yea i’m never coming out to my parents. then her other friend said omg remember when you wanted to make cupcakes with the bi colors hahaha? and then they started talking about their sexual awakening. i was just sitting there, silently, full of anxiety, just taking in all of this new information. i have felt her start to change this year, but i was shocked. i hung out with her after a month and she had new friends, new clothes, a new personality, and apparently a new sexuality. and i know she doesn’t owe me anything, she doesn’t need to come out to me, and i want to be happy for her, but i’m kind of hurt and jealous that it seems so unimportant to her that she didn’t even need to tell me, while i’m her thinking about it all day, every day, crying and panicking about the possibility of being bi. i’m so ashamed that that’s what i’m afraid of, i wish i could not care if i was, but now i feel like i’m crazy for caring so much. and now it seems like most of my friends are bi, so it’s likely that i am, too, right? and what if i want to be bi because it would help me fit in? i need to stop making it all about me, im happy that she is happy with herself and can accept herself. i’m just scared that i’m loosing my best friend :(

Sexual Orientation OCD

Mh0204

Date posted: 5y

I went through something similar when HOCD first started, if you want my advice I would first say don’t feel “toxic” or like you have to blame yourself for your avoidance or other things you do because of your ocd, this mental disorder is extremely hard especially with HOCD. My friends came out as bi too when I was at my worst with HOCD, so they became the thing ocd attached itself to. It sucked, I felt like I couldn’t escape it and one of the only places/people I could feel at peace with felt robbed. I would say be honest with her and tell her you’re going through a tough time with your mental health and you feel like you need to be alone or in your own space at times but that you still care & want to be her best friend, you don’t need to explain to her your entire struggle with HOCD but I think if she’s your best friend she will understand :) also, don’t determine your sexuality on other people, it would be like saying your favorite color has to be theirs because they’re your friends

zeep

Date posted: 5y

thank you for replying. i feel so bad, i wish i could be happier for her and support her and be there for her, but right now i just feel fragile and broken and like i don’t have the ability to gave fun with her. i don’t want her to think i don’t like her, i just need space. i feel like i’m such a shitty person and like i’m lying to everyone, and on top of that, i’m ashamed that i’m struggling with hocd because i feel like i shouldn’t be afraid of being bi because why would being bi be such a bad thing? thank you again for the advice <3

Mh0204

Date posted: 5y

@zeep No problem! & I understand what you mean, what you’re feeling is valid. Ocd makes us feel like that :/ but it’s obvious that you care for your friendship so tell her all that, you said you’ve been best friends since you were babies, so she probably cares the same amount for you, she will understand & yeah I felt that way too, like why is it such a big deal, well it’s a big deal because we’re simply not, someone who is, knows that within themselves there’s no back and fourth. With us it’s just our brains in a constant loop trying to answer a question we already know the answer to lol but remember that you are more than your malfunctioning brain, you have a life, with people you care about so, cherish them and let them know how you’re feeling so you can feel cherished too 💖

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