- Username
- ThreeLittleBirds
- Date posted
- 4y ago
You could take this triggering situation and a perfect opportunity to PRACTISE ERP. The word practise in particular, not to feel that it must go great. For example, if your usual compulsions would be to jump in the shower, scrub yourself for 20 minutes. Then wash your sheets twice. Start to Google 'I found a bug in my sheets'. And start looking for other bugs ariund your room. You can see that although they might seem that they would help lower the distress, it actually increases all areas of distress, leading to one big snowball effect. I wonder if there are any other ways to soothe yourself other than the OCD compulsions? For example, refraining from doing the compulsions (some ideas of examples above). Instead : put your sheets in the wash. Don't check your room. Don't Google things. This will feel sooooo hard and upsetting. But prehaps in 20 or 30 minutes or 1 hour later, the overall anxiety will have naturally decreased. It's not to say during this time: 'Okay I'm not doing the compulsions so I MUST feel okay and better after this. Oh no I'm not feeling better, that means I'm doing it wrong. I'm so so stupid and messed up for not even doing ERP right." No that's not it. It DOES feel horrible. But we are just at thus stage looking to soothe yourself in any other way OTHER than the OCD
I really understand how you feel, but you are cared for and you are seen. You are not alone
You're harsh with yourself. I'd say you're someone who's smart enough to try to get rid of his or her issues. And that means a lot on you. But your story's complicated though š¤ can you express your feeling in a better understanding way ?
Iām not particularly afraid of bugs. Yes, some bugs freak me out when they get inside and I am not ok with them. However my not being afraid is because I worked at it and created a plan for when to take action, and calmly reminding myself of that plan letās me follow it. Said plan: I will try to leave the bug alone under certain circumstances. Some bugs need to be removed from the house. If I canāt just get them out unharmed, those ones get killed. If a bug repeatedly comes at me, even after I try to scare it away, I put on my bravery shoe and kill it. If said bug wanders near my undies or bras drying on the racks or set out for the next day, I kill it. And lastly if said bug goes to my bed, I try not to, or at least not let it be seen, freak out a bit and kill it. Thatās because beds and clothing is where we feel vulnerable. So it makes sense to be upset; that bug broke the rule. But while I understand not wanting to directly touch it, removing it from the bed, maybe brushing the bed off, and sleeping in it is an excellent FU to your OCD. Because that bug is dead. It canāt hurt you at that point. Your OCD may want to run with it, and will probably try to, but if possible, fight it. Sending you strength so you can learn that you are not broken, or if you were, that you can be fixed, that you can make friends and support systems, and to know you have us here for friendship and support and because we understand it all because we suffer too. š
I had to stay home from work today because even though I was exhausted I got 1 hour of sleep. I work 7 days a week between 2 jobs and I finally said today I need a mental day. I am lonelier than ever and have lost friends over the past few years or just lost touch. My best friend ever stopped speaking with me after a group tour of the UK a few years ago and now someone that was our mutual friend is best friends with her and brushes me off. I tried to reach out to my ex friend and make peace but no answer. She has many friends now and a boyfriend. I realize I had some drunk nights that make people not want to hang out with me but I was up last night feeling complete rejection to the fullest and horrible about myself. At rock bottom I have no one. On top of that I was just in a toxic relationship while living abroad and he turned out to be a chronic cheater and married with 2 kids. I have one friend who speaks to me from LA from time to time but as for here in New York I barely got anyone left and bad memories. I canāt be afraid of not going to sleep every night because of thoughts or depression. My period is due any day which doesnāt help. I was just crying so much last night. Iāve never felt so alone. I just feel like a horrible human being that no one wants to be around and I try to make it right.
Today I woke up with the intrusive thought ādid I harm my dog sexually during the night?ā. My brain is specifically relating to the time of 3:57 when I woke up once. From what I remember I only woke up and thought abt going to the toilet but being too lazy and scared of the night so I went back to sleep. But I keep being worried I might have actually been up before that time and done sth. Like I seriously have no Memoires of doing so. Only things that I know were produced by my imagination bc theyāre not really possible. Iāve already asked my mother if she had heard me go downstairs at night (we have like some kind of door that keeps you from falling down the stairs which is quite loud to open) but she said she doesnāt know and she hadnāt heard anything and said sheās 100% sure nothing had happened due to how my dog doesnāt seem to care at all and seems to not be scared of me. Iāve also thought abt asking my father and sister but they canāt actually hear anything. Maybe at like 3 am they were up tho for a snack? I know my father often goes to the kitchen at night to eat sth and my sister too. I guess Iāll ask both of them tomorrow. And the thing is that we actually have a camera in our garden which captures a bit of the door where my dog always sleeps and we have a light there so I couldāve been able to check up for my dog in the cameras. Turned out that my parents had turned the camera off at some point. Seems like they only wanted to capture stupid animals hopping onto our car and watching our own family go into the house. Wonderful. I donāt know what to do. The only thing I could now do is either trust my memories and let it go or check for the logic. Last time I was scared I mightāve hurt my dog, I realised that it wasnāt possible for that to have happened and that all of my memories were false. But to be honest, Iām so tired I donāt want to fill 5 days of my life with checking the logic of my obsession. Iāve had multiple su!cide thoughts by now. Iāve spent almost half my day crying. This is my lowest point. I canāt accept the uncertainty. Iām so far in this rn I actually today decided to lock my room from now on and hide my key, take a picture of it to remember itās exact position and then close the door of the wardrobe Iām hiding it in and putting tape around the openings of the doors from the wardrobe. I seriously donāt want to keep living if this is the life my brain chose to give me.
Iām sure everyone reading can relate. Iām tired of over analyzing my memory. Iām tired of being convinced that my worst fears are true. Iām tired of faking every emotion to everyone. Tired of breaking down and sobbing and begging for this to get better. Tired of watching this disorder completely change me and deteriorate my relationships and my will to live and keep going. This episode has lasted since mid-November. Itās mid January. I am running out of options. You all are so beautiful and kind for being on this forum and offering each other support. I canāt keep living like this. Every single morning I cry, then cry throughout the day, and canāt really explain to my loved ones/friends whatās going on, because OCD is such a nuanced disease. False memory has completely taken whatās left of me. I legitimately just feel like thereās nothing left of the real me. All I see everyday is this anxious creature trying to survive and begging for the suffering to stop.
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