Someone on here just told me that I might be a gay person with internalized homophobia and I literally had a panic attack to the point where I started crying. I’ve never wanted to be with a woman but I have forced myself to imagine them sexually and romantically so that I can gain certainty (this causes distress and disgust). They said this after I told them that I had an intrusive thought about a woman being hot when they did something (this thought came out of the blue and I felt EXTREMELY uncomfortable). Please note that I’ve never EVER had a thought like this about a woman before. My problems started because I accidentally looked at someone on a TV screen after looking up from my phone. I’ve never once had a thought like this so I wasn’t sure whether my mind was playing tricks on me or not. Either way, someone told me that I must be suffering from internalized homophobia and I became VERY agitated; I couldn’t move, I kept googling for reassurance, I started to panic and I began to cry. Now they’ve convinced me that I no longer have HOCD and I am so frightened. I don’t care what others think because my friends and family aren’t bothered either way. Personally, I just don’t want to be. Has anyone else had a thought saying someone’s hot (someone they don’t actually want to be romantically or sexually involved with)? Is this my mind playing tricks on me? Is this person correct? I need some guidance because it’s not about reassurance anymore. It’s about understanding whether I need therapy or whether I’m lying to myself. I’m honestly so distressed.

Thank you. It’s not from a place of homophobia but a place of confusion; we spend our who lives knowing who we are and what we want until, suddenly, our minds tell us the opposite. Some of us fear that we’ll have to force ourselves into gay relationships that we don’t want because our HOCD is convincing us, others fear that they may be transgender and lying to their partner because they liked a shirt in the men’s/women’s section. It’s not about fearing gay people but, instead, fearing that we have lost our identities. One minute we’ll know we’re straight, the next we’ll admire someone’s looking (e.g. they have lovely eyes) and we’ll suddenly think we’re gay. Then we’ll search online and find HOCD but then another person will tell us that we have internalized homophobia and we’ve been secretly gay our whole lives. It’s distressing because we don’t know what direction to take. Do we take these thoughts literally and believe them? Do we seek help for HOCD? Do we have internalized homophobia? You see, the fear comes from not understanding what path we’re in mixed with the fact that we don’t want to be gay because that’s not who we are. As analogy we could say that HOCD is like a duck and internalized homophobia is like a chicken; they’re almost the same yet they’re also very different. It’s like trying to figure out whether you’re a duck or chicken whilst everyone social media is making you believe that you’re in the middle. Of course you’re either a duck or a chicken just like you’re either gay or straight. Either way, people tell you to accept the uncertainty but you just CAN’T and you feel lost and hopeless. Do you get what I’m saying?