I don’t have any anxiety. Does this mean I need to break up with him? The thought gives me peace somewhat, but at the same time it still makes me sad. Maybe it’s my body not being able to process this anxiety anymore? I’ve been panicky for the past 7 days non stop, so maybe this means my body physically can’t be anxious anymore? I love him. I do. But idk what else to do.

I literally get no anxiety from thinking about breaking up with him. Like either way I’d be happy, staying or going. But at the same time I was just crying saying I didn’t want to break up two days ago. Ugh.

@swill321 It's a whole chaos. I get it. Sometimes I feel like I am lying to myself that I love him. But sometimes I feel like I really love him and sometimes the thought of living with him disgusts me. It's crazy. Sometimes I feel I am just doing this for sympathy and because I really don't love him and want to break up and I don't have any reason. But I know the pain I go through. Today I am numb. But tomorrow I might cry and shiver all day. I think many here can relate. Let's fight

@swill321 Honey I feel you. When I’m in that stage though, I always try to take some time to myself to relax. You’re focusing too much on the relationship right now so your brain is identifying it as your main stressor. That’s normal. Just don’t make any harsh decisions until you know truth. OCD is not truth, disconnect is not truth. One time I thought I’d be completely fine without my partner, so I asked for a break for a week to see if that’s true. Just to test myself, and guess what, it wasn’t true at all. I was a heartbroken mess. Keep your head up and keep pushing.

@Anonymous Trying to take some time for myself. My boyfriend and I just moved in together, but maybe later I’m just going to sit by myself and watch a movie, or maybe hangout with family.

@swill321 Good idea.

@Anonymous I just don’t want to decide to be single. Like what if I want to just be single? But at the same time that means I wouldn’t wake up to him... no cuddles. No kisses. The person that supports my dreams and everything else will be gone. And that makes me sad :(

@swill321 Well of course that would make you sad! Why would anyone want that at all. My biggest guess is that you’re misidentifying stress from moving in together. And I mean, why would you want to be single if you felt those ways that you’ve said. Being single doesn’t mean you’d be free from the troubles of life, doesn’t mean quite anything at all besides just being alone. Grass is greener is a normal thought when stress arises, maybe deep down you’re stressed because moving in is a big step you maybe weren’t ready for yet. I always feel like the reason people think being single is always the option is because it is the extreme. It helps you avoid the ocd that you feel.

@Anonymous I was ready though. We were already living together but with roommates. I was SO happy, and loved our apartment 3 weeks ago.

It’s easy to assume that it’s not love when we don’t “feel” it. But we forget that love is sometimes a choice, all couples sometimes don’t “FEEL” love. Imagine feeling one emotion for someone always, but that’s not how we work. We feel anger towards people, resentment, love, gratefulness etc. a variety of good and bad. Choosing to love even when you feel fear is in fact LOVING someone. The fact that you’re so worried about if you do love him or not shows just how much you care about the person and the relationship you have together. And I agree, it is the anxiety that creates disconnect. I struggle with the exact same thing and it’s rough. But when you’re there in the moment, try to focus on what’s around you. Focus on how good it feels to be around your partner, how grateful you are for them, that’s what I try to do. Good luck to you! Be kind to yourself and try not to feel guilty for who you are. 💚

@Anonymous Exactly! Yesterday after the session I was fine. I missed him again, I wanted to love him again. But when I woke up and read a post where someone wrote why would you want to leave someone, and then my mind said - because u don't love them. And then I didn't get any anxiety. So my fear kicked in but I feel numb. I feel like all time I didn't have this and I was just faking it. I also don't know what to do because nothing seems real anymore. Sometimes the thought of him kissing me disgusts me but sometimes I really want it. I feel the guilt too but then sometimes I feel what's wrong with break up and I feel numb. I don't wanna leave him tho. Yesterday evening what I experienced, was real, my love for him.

@nimziewd I totally exactly know that you’re talking about. Especially the kissing part, sometimes I kiss him and it feels magnetic and sometimes I do and it feels anxious and grueling. That’s okay tho! You’re not faking anything or faking love. Just know that deep down, people actively fake love. But if you FEEL love, it’s not faking it. If you commit acts of kindness for them, even through the anxiety, it’s not faking it, it’s truly just living despite your experiences with fear. I wish I knew the way out, I truly do. Especially since I know the person I’m with is the one I want to marry, but the self doubt makes it feel paralyzing. What helps me is asking myself is the fear a garden hose, or a snake? Is it real, or is it fake? And if it’s a real fear, what steps can I take (besides breaking up to avoid fear) to squash the snake”.

@Anonymous Exactly. Let's fight this demon out

@nimziewd Preach. 💚💚💚

@Anonymous But it feels like I don’t care anymore. What does this mean? I want to care. But at the same time I feel peace. Ugh..

@swill321 It's me too It's maybe that we felt so much pain. Our body is disconnecting us . It's okay don't hang on this thought. Try doing something else and let the thought flow. Even if it feels like u really don't love him and u faking ocd. It's not. Because it keeps changing our behaviour and thinking the same thing over and over changes how we perceive things. I want to love my boyfriend, even if it feels like a lie and I am numb. Hang in there! Let's fight this demon in the name of therapy and faith in ourselves .