I am obsessed with having conversations with myself (pretending I’m talking to someone else and answering back for them) because I know it will be perfect if I can control every word. I also pretend I’m friends with people who don’t even think about me. I’ll talk to them when I’m alone and watch movies with them. I have 4 real life friends but I cannot count on them ever. Can anyone else relate to my behavior? Please let me know because I feel like a freak.

Sometimes I feel like nobody really gets me. Nobody knows what’s going on in my head. I try to explain in vivid detail, but my ocd immediately reads the other persons face and registers that they don’t get it. It’s a very isolating experience. Anyone else have something like this?

I just need to get this off my chest but I feel like every time I develop romantic feelings for someone, it’s never genuine, it’s never love, it’s a placement of feelings and what I ideally want out of a romantic relationship onto a single person and it’s just not fair to them. It’s an obsession, obsession with an idea of someone and not for what they truly are. Picking out traits that I like and value in a partner, picking apart a person like they aren’t real. It’s just not healthy. I want to be able to love and be loved. I know that this person will never feel the same and it is not their fault, but I’m still hurt over this idea of them that I’ve built in my head. I’ve constructed a false persona for this person just because they embody something that I am seeking, and to be honest, I can’t tell if that’s a friend or just someone to give me the time of day because I’m so desperate to be heard and seen, I want attention, to be wanted even if it means being used or just given a moment to be in their presence. I don’t think I could ever be in a relationship, I feel like I am clouded by delusion, I feel crazy. Maybe that’s simply because I just am not emotionally stable enough to engage in a meaningful relationship to any degree. There was this person that I took a liking to and saw as a potential someone to become a large part of my life, but they don’t think anything of me, so for the long periods of time that I received nothing but radio silence, I was left with alone with my thoughts and holding onto whatever sliver of hope that they might feel the same. None of it is real. I want to feel normal and not get so emotional over every relationship I ever form, especially those that come with romantic feelings. I don’t know how to overcome this, all I can think about is them. Do I just confess my feelings and get it over with? Face the rejection so I can move on? Or just be left wondering and seeing out how this relationship progresses…even if that risks fading into absolute nothingness and never interacting again? I’m just so caught up in my head over someone who will never ever think twice about me. Sometimes I feel they may hate me even and just be responding with kindness out of courtesy and the fact that they are just a genuinely good person. I have no hard feelings towards them, they’ve done nothing wrong. I just can’t help but be mad at myself for feeling this way, allowing myself to fall into this again. It happens every time I get close. Do you think I’m being crazy or is it normal? I don’t even know what I wanted out of this relationship, maybe relationships aren’t something written for me. Do you think I’ll ever be able to get to a point where I can develop a healthy, non-obsessive, truly meaningful relationship? Any advice??

This is a late night thought I get a lot not all the time but most nights sometimes I feel like my ocd would make me think that I have this thing trying to talk to me or getting me to do things that I do NOT want to do AT ALL. This is also why I try to stop being online or not talk or do anything at all. I'm trying to explain in the best way I can. The best way I can describe my ocd or mental health right now would be like Jeykll and hyde. Especially in the musical the most popular song confrontation cause like false memories or something like that. Having false memories of doing something especially online in my past that was so bad at least to me and I just have forgotten about it. Trying to remember feels like as if it was a different version of me or a complete different person cause I do be wanting to think of my past self as a completely different person cause I personally feel like I did or even said something so wrong or bad (even though I didn't do anything...) that I just want my old self to be a completely different person. My ocd has also gotten so bad that it made me have developed severe delusions of the government or government services like the police or FBI coming to get me. So sometimes I would think about turning myself into the station or mental hospital one because I also developed S**cidal ideation because it got so bad though I never wanted to acted on anything. I haven't really experienced ideation that bad until I first developed it but I just get scared of my mental health getting bad again.