EVEN BEFORE HOCD I WOULD GET WORRIED THAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK I WASNT STRAIGHT AND SOMETIMES I WOULD WORRY THAT I WOULD TURN GAY AND IM SCARED BECAUSE IDK ANYONE ELSE WITH HOCD THST HAD SOME OF THESE THOUGHTS BEFORE OCD

it sounds like that wasnt before hocd and was just the beginning of it ... i have had those thoughts too but i think ive had ocd longer than ive realized after my recent panic attacks my mind started searching for moments in my life where i had similar feelings and it went back to middle school and high school and my childhood and i realized i had versions of this happen i just never knew ... maybe thats the case with these "before ocd thoughts" that they were always ocd related... or maybe not, but it seems like your current ocd is latching onto those thoughts as a new way to overwhelm you about your sexual orientation

I had this at the beginning of my hocd.

keep in mind ocd is actaully a very popular thing for kids to experience, many start having symptoms at age 8!

I think my thoughts started around 13yrs when my older sister came out as a lesbian at the age of 31 after she had separated from her husband with whom she had two kids... I don't know why, but since then, I started to worry from if I could be a lesbian as well and these thoughts always made me very very anxious and upset.. I also monitored myself and my feelings towards girls very much and would get alarmed if I thought that I might like a friend "too much" or admire an older girl in school ... now, of course, OCD tries to use these memories of my adolescence as proof that I always was gay as I DID question my sexuality before.. But honestly I think it might have been mild OCD back then too.. I simply think that it wouldn't have been that hard and scary for me if I really was gay because I had a big sister who already went through that, who I have seen come out to the world, be accepted and loved by my family (my mom did have a hard time at first which scared me a little but she did come around and it was never a question for her to not accept or love my sister for who she is) and who never faced any kind of discrimination. I was SURROUNDED by her super nice gay and lesbian friends that I could have talked to and who would have gladly supported me if I wanted to come out. I don't think I would have been that scared if I really wanted to be with a girl. A lot of gay people say that they wish that they had a gay mentor or something like that back in their teen years because it would have helped them to accept themselves.. I had a ton of nice gay people around me and still couldn't even write the thoughts down in my diary because I was so scared that this would make them true... and even now 15 years later I think, what would be the big deal if you were really gay? You wouldn't be alone, people would love you, your sister has already done the same? And yet I cannot talk to her about it, because I am still scared, that saying it out loud will make it true and deep down I know that my situation is not the same as hers. She once told me that she never really was in love with her husband, knew from a young age that she liked girls and hated sex with men. I love my boyfriend to pieces the thought of losing him rips me apart, I love being intimate with him, he is like my other half.. sometimes I think, maybe I am just bisexual as I do have a certain attraction/admiration for inspiring women and this fear of being a lesbian is because of bi-erasure or sth, but I don't know if you would call yourself bisexual if you really never want to have sex or have romantic fantasies with the same gender? And I wouldn't even care if I was bisexual as I just want to be sure that I can stay with my boyfriend and don't have to leave him for a woman... he told me he would be fine if I was bi, and that I could explore that with women if I wanted to, but I really don't want that, I don't have any sexual desire for women. Sorry for the long read, but I really relate to your question and I am starting to think also that maybe it was OCD for me all along...But of course I am worried that this is just reassurance or denial, which actually points again to OCD... oh boy, my mind is so annoying 🤦‍♀️

i feel like my ocd doesnt even always get triggered by like an image that makes me afraid i think i might have an attraction i dont want to have or something like that but its like if im alone with my thoughts enough my mind will start looking for "signs" of why i am what i dont want to be and it will look for real things in my life and thoughts and dreams and so i dont think ocd thiughts or themes are always cut and dry if that helps 🤷‍♀️

Really?!?