- Username
- Bri <3
- Date posted
- 4y ago
it sounds like that wasnt before hocd and was just the beginning of it ... i have had those thoughts too but i think ive had ocd longer than ive realized after my recent panic attacks my mind started searching for moments in my life where i had similar feelings and it went back to middle school and high school and my childhood and i realized i had versions of this happen i just never knew ... maybe thats the case with these "before ocd thoughts" that they were always ocd related... or maybe not, but it seems like your current ocd is latching onto those thoughts as a new way to overwhelm you about your sexual orientation
Because I’ve always had these thoughts about what if people think I’m gay especially because a lot of the people at my school were bi and because my mom would say stuff that were like sort of homophobic and I would just be like “thank god im straight but I’m scared what if I turn gay?”
I had this at the beginning of my hocd.
Idk I’ve had these like sometimes here and there like last year and this year and some of them when I was like really little like 9 maybe
@Bri <3 me too mine occurred around 9 because of a show I watched, and it was a popular thing to randomly call people gay in elementary school not really sure why haha but yeah that’s when I started getting the thoughts here and there. I know I have always stressed about this theme for a long time.
keep in mind ocd is actaully a very popular thing for kids to experience, many start having symptoms at age 8!
I think my thoughts started around 13yrs when my older sister came out as a lesbian at the age of 31 after she had separated from her husband with whom she had two kids... I don't know why, but since then, I started to worry from if I could be a lesbian as well and these thoughts always made me very very anxious and upset.. I also monitored myself and my feelings towards girls very much and would get alarmed if I thought that I might like a friend "too much" or admire an older girl in school ... now, of course, OCD tries to use these memories of my adolescence as proof that I always was gay as I DID question my sexuality before.. But honestly I think it might have been mild OCD back then too.. I simply think that it wouldn't have been that hard and scary for me if I really was gay because I had a big sister who already went through that, who I have seen come out to the world, be accepted and loved by my family (my mom did have a hard time at first which scared me a little but she did come around and it was never a question for her to not accept or love my sister for who she is) and who never faced any kind of discrimination. I was SURROUNDED by her super nice gay and lesbian friends that I could have talked to and who would have gladly supported me if I wanted to come out. I don't think I would have been that scared if I really wanted to be with a girl. A lot of gay people say that they wish that they had a gay mentor or something like that back in their teen years because it would have helped them to accept themselves.. I had a ton of nice gay people around me and still couldn't even write the thoughts down in my diary because I was so scared that this would make them true... and even now 15 years later I think, what would be the big deal if you were really gay? You wouldn't be alone, people would love you, your sister has already done the same? And yet I cannot talk to her about it, because I am still scared, that saying it out loud will make it true and deep down I know that my situation is not the same as hers. She once told me that she never really was in love with her husband, knew from a young age that she liked girls and hated sex with men. I love my boyfriend to pieces the thought of losing him rips me apart, I love being intimate with him, he is like my other half.. sometimes I think, maybe I am just bisexual as I do have a certain attraction/admiration for inspiring women and this fear of being a lesbian is because of bi-erasure or sth, but I don't know if you would call yourself bisexual if you really never want to have sex or have romantic fantasies with the same gender? And I wouldn't even care if I was bisexual as I just want to be sure that I can stay with my boyfriend and don't have to leave him for a woman... he told me he would be fine if I was bi, and that I could explore that with women if I wanted to, but I really don't want that, I don't have any sexual desire for women. Sorry for the long read, but I really relate to your question and I am starting to think also that maybe it was OCD for me all along...But of course I am worried that this is just reassurance or denial, which actually points again to OCD... oh boy, my mind is so annoying 🤦♀️
i feel like my ocd doesnt even always get triggered by like an image that makes me afraid i think i might have an attraction i dont want to have or something like that but its like if im alone with my thoughts enough my mind will start looking for "signs" of why i am what i dont want to be and it will look for real things in my life and thoughts and dreams and so i dont think ocd thiughts or themes are always cut and dry if that helps 🤷♀️
Really?!?
yes you are not alone!! i relate!! my thoughts started young and got worse as time went on. My brain just attached onto it and decided it was something to worry about!!
Is it normal for even straight people to question their sexuality at times? Before HOCD I was like I’m probably bi or whatever based on NOO CONCRETE EVIDENCE bc in real life I was only attracted to men and am in a stable relationship with a boy...but I got these random thoughts and they didn’t bother me as much that’s until HOCD hit :( and now I’m like NO IM STRAIGHT STOP ?
I’ve never heard of HOCD. When I read about it, it says “fear of being homosexual when you are straight or vice versa,” yet it’s still called “homosexual OCD.” I’m a lesbian and I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept because honestly the symptoms sound kind of homophobic? Constantly FEARING you might be gay? I’m trying to think of it from other people’s perspective and trying not to be insensitive, it’s just that when I was questioning my sexuality it’s because I was actually gay, and the symptoms sound a lot like someone just discovering their sexuality but being struck with fear and hiding it. Thoughts?
i think i might be developing sexual orientation ocd because i identify as a lesbian but when i was a kid i only ever crushed on guys. im starting to wonder if i just had hocd the entire time and believed the thoughts so hard that i tricked myself into thinking im gay. but i really don't wanna be straight ?
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