(Real event ocd.) My OCD made me realize my terrible past,and now i can't allow myself to let go. It started four weeks ago,about a month.  I woke up ruminating, feeling wrong.  thinking over and over. I had just got a laptop, and I had gone to my Gmail for the first time not on mobile. I saw some hangouts chats,more out of a need to know nothing there was to fear,i checked it.  Most was innocent,however what struck me was a gc i didnt remember anyone in,it was a combo of names. In it was abysmal. Racist remarks (mostly use,and I mean *heavy* use of the n hard r word,and the c slur ) Terrified. I scrolled up,I hadnt sent anything. I then deleted it.  That didn't stop the spiral. What if you didn't scroll all the way up? They were calling,what if you were in a call? There was a kids face you saw,what if it was something illegal or just another meme? It haunted me for weeks,I was struck to the point that I couldn't eat. Sleep was in excess. I slept and still sleep constantly to escape the thoughts. A few weeks pass by. I talk about it with friends,I realize it's ocd. I try to reach out and get into the community.  I'm getting over it. More comes back. A memory about making a joke w the hard r n slur and someone's username Next day,its a false memory. I know it is. I forget about it. Next day. Its a conversation I had about kinks where I thought I pressured someone. I scroll up and find the convo.  It was friends joking around,I hardly hopped in and later told them to stop because it made me uncomfortable.  Next day. Its a joke I made abt semen to a friend when I was 15 and he was 13. I go and ask about the joke. He says I'm fine.  Next day,I remember what started the ruminating. A parody account  from when I was 15 where I pretended to be pink guy where I ruminated saying the n word.  I login. Theres obviously offensive stuff. People using the word amongst other slurs. Geniunely cringey shit as well. But I can't see my replies or posts. Only others at me or to eachother on posts I've interacted on. I ruminate and obsess over how someone replied when I couldn't see what I sent,it was another parody account in character and what I'm quite sure is a joke about lemon guy but i still got worried sick to the point i woke up inconsolable in the night. Unable to calm down or to allow myself to and getting close to throwing up. Next day. I feel better. Im going to get over this. I've become a better person,i can move on. Later,I remember another parody account. This time a swiper the fox one.  Out of stupid compulsions ,I look into the account. Most of it is absurdly cringey shit,cartoon characters acting overly existential or edgy or just silly. But there's a few things that resonate .  Theres a hard r n word post someone made in my notifs,meaning I replied to it.  Theres jokes about boots being a f slur,I am gay,but still remember I made jokes about boots being gay,meaning I could have said something like that using the slur. It was in general bad. Someone I interacted with saying they accidentally posted a real suicide as a joke. A post by that same person joking that "Martin Luther King was an ugly black man" Theres a reply,meaning I've interacted with it  "Why did you read it out loud?" Was that to me? I'm quite sure it was. Did I read it out loud? I dont remember it. I dont remember what i said.  I mustve interacted with it. I delete it,all the messages. Because I can't stop reading it over and over.  I go back and forth. I go back and forth. I've obviously done something terrible. But theres the kicker. Theres uncertainty.  Theres so much uncertainty. Because I dont know what or how bad it is. I cant access it.  That's something where ocd thrives. And it's this feeling of being stabbed ,of being strangled. And you can't work,you can't settle. You've done something. But the price you pay is you'll never know the full extent of your actions. I dont remember what i said or did and ill never remember,I dug up my old messages and I never said anything like that ,it was always me being silly and more lighthearted. But now i have this shit,but i can't see what i said, it'll just taunt me forever aimlessly. Like a skeleton in my closet,the thing that prevents me from being redeemable by my mind. I cant work. Im behind in class. I work and immediately I'm sent to ruminate. I need to constantly distract myself by listening to music. When my friends tell me they love me,I feel like I've betrayed them. I'm stuck w uncertainty. Im stuck w knowing bad things happened but not what.