Why is this all happening to me,why cant i just be normal like the other teens,why do i always feel confused about everything,why do i always feel worthless and sick,with mental illness,why did God choose me,us,to do this,to go through all this shit,He knows that im not able to make it,he knows that i just want to grow up,to marry a guy and be happy,my intentions are pure,i never wanted to hurt someone like my mind says,i just dont want to,i cant stop it,i cant stop the disorted thinking and everything else that goes through my mind.I feel so worthless so desperate and cursed.I know i keep asking for ur positive talks but i juet cant ask it from anyone else.Its 9 pm here,i need to study but i cant,i feel so stressed,i just want to kill myself.

Cw- SI, S/H references I try so hard just to let the thoughts be there and not bother me but they just keep coming back over and over, I don’t trust myself anymore I feel like an evil person and I just want to kill myself I’m so scared that I’m actually what my thoughts say I am, if I am then I will have to kill myself, it feels like a stain on my soul It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering mutilating parts of my body just so I can’t feel anything in those parts or ever use them again I can’t find any relief anywhere, I haven’t felt sure of myself in months, people always tell me it’s okay that I have these thoughts because I don’t want to act on them but my brain keeps saying I do and I would rather kill myself And I’m just so sick of the people saying to accept the uncertainty, I don’t want to have to carry this for the rest of my life I wish I could have literally any other subtype, which I know is selfish of me because everyone else here is suffering too but the stigma and the shame around this one actually sucks the joy out of everything I do

Today has been awful thoughts. It’s just getting worse and it feels like real thoughts and feelings even though I’ve been fighting it. I wish I could explain how bad it is to my parents. How do you tell anyone you’re having horrible horrible thoughts of sexually harming others and other terrible things?And there’s events from my past that make me not want to do anything because I feel like I deserve to be jailed. I’m worried I won’t be able to get a job because I can’t act like a normal person, or learn to drive. My mom said I need something to keep my occupied, find some classes to take. And she’s right but I’m worried I can’t even focus on that and again I feel like it’s a waste because I feel like I deserve to be in jail. I’m 21 I feel like such a failure. I don’t know how to get help, I really feel like I don’t want to live anymore, it feel like the only way out. But I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want my family to feel at fault. I don’t have any diagnosis so it just all feels too real. It’s CONSTANT thoughts about harming others. It feels real, it sounds proud and almost like it’s mocking in my head. I feel like I’m voluntarily thinking these things. I don’t understand why this has happened and why it’s gotten so bad. I know in my heart I have ZERO desire to be this person. I’m sorry I keep posting so much, it’s just so difficult.

Please someone help me i dont want to leave my bed i feel so worthless. I hate my life so much i really do. After what happened last night (my setback) i feel absolutely haunted with my thoughts flooding in. I wonder what is the point in living anymore.