This is the seed that planted my huge trigger. My partner told me in July that he’s been feeling depressed for 6 years bc since my first battle with ROCD he got concerned that... maybe I’ve been forcing myself to love him that I was in denial about loving him... he told me his feelings changed on and off for me. He still loves me. But he asked me what happens if things did end.. would I wanna be just friends? I told him no... bc it would be too difficult for me bc I always want more with him. During this talk I’m having a huge panic attack and I am hyperventilating with my body trembling... I understand he need to speak his mind which I am glad he did. But it happened again last month and that destroyed me again. My close friend told me my partner needs to know who he is and that he needs to make himself happy too. I know he needs to improve his life and I need to improve mine. But bc of this talk this is what happened to me. TRIGGER WARNING: Please don’t read this if you panic badly. My thoughts. He doesn’t love you, he lied and hid this from you, he likes to hang out with other people more than you, you never loved him and you know it!, you don’t wanna move out with him again, you’re forcing yourself to love him, you’re lying to him and everyone around you, you had doubts before this yet you stay with him, you using him, your in denial,you can do way better than him, you know it’s you why are you fighting it... There’s way too many to put on here. But then I obsessed over past thoughts when he had his mental breakdowns or when we got mad at each other in the past. Which made me remember everything! All the doubts I had about him making me feel like I know I don’t love him.. but I was able to ignore them... my close friend asked me: are you happy with him? I said yes but even then I felt like a lier... I love being with him I love falling asleep next to him.. so why do I have to go through this again... but right now I am in the numb stage and I still obsess say I am in love with him over and over again.. He feels guilty bc he feels like he’s causing me to suffer... 😞 that hurt hearing him say that. I almost told him i wasn’t in love with him this morning but I stopped myself bc I knew it wasn’t me.. I am so scared of myself and I’m scared to be around him 😖😭 I’ve had ROCD before but never had it treated.. so I know I had obsessive thoughts throughout the relationship... 😞 if it is me.. my relationship is gonna end.. I’m hoping the medication helps me...