so i decided i wanted to write my mom a letter about my soocd. can you gus give me any feedback/ stuff i should add or get rid of? to whoever may be reading this- ok. i’m sending this to you because i need to tell you something i couldn’t figure out how to tell you in person. basically what i want to tell you is that i think i have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). if you didn’t know, OCD is a mental illness just like depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, etc. in fact, OCD is one of the many kinds of anxiety disorders. it is not always what is commonly shown in the media, where people with OCD are obsessed with keeping away germs or organizing things. although these can be symptoms of OCD, there are many subtypes of OCD. these are referred to as “themes”. some common themes include: Religious OCD, Somatic OCD, Harm OCD, Contamination OCD, etc. OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. since OCD is rarely accurately talked about, here is a definition of what OCD actually is: “OBSESSIONS are thoughts, images or impulses that occur over and over again and feel outside of the person’s control. Individuals with OCD do not want to have these thoughts and find them disturbing. In most cases, people with OCD realize that these thoughts don’t make any sense.  Obsessions are typically accompanied by intense and uncomfortable feelings such as fear, disgust, doubt, or a feeling that things have to be done in a way that is “just right.” In the context of OCD, obsessions are time consuming and get in the way of important activities the person values. This last part is extremely important to keep in mind as it, in part, determines whether someone has OCD — a psychological disorder — rather than an obsessive personality trait.” “COMPULSIONS are the second part of obsessive compulsive disorder. These are repetitive behaviors or thoughts that a person uses with the intention of neutralizing, counteracting, or making their obsessions go away. People with OCD realize this is only a temporary solution but without a better way to cope they rely on the compulsion as a temporary escape. Compulsions can also include avoiding situations that trigger obsessions. Compulsions are time consuming and get in the way of important activities the person values.” -IOCDF (“What is OCD?”) The treatment for OCD is called Exposure Response Therapy (ERP). it is supposed to help you learn to sit with your thoughts and not let them give you anxiety. it is the most effective and pretty much only way to treat OCD other than medication (although it is best to do ERP even if you are taking medication). i don’t want to seek treatment yet, so this is just another piece of information. some people divide certain themes into a group called Pure OCD, or Pureo. themes in Pure OCD are mostly obsessions, with little to no external compulsions (most compulsions are mental). some themes are: Harm OCD Relationship OCD Sexual OCD Sexual Orientation OCD Pedophilia OCD etc. The theme that i think i am currently struggling with is called Sexual Orientation OCD (SO-OCD), or Homosexual OCD (HOCD). i know that this sounds ridiculous, but just bear with me with me. Sexual Orientation OCD is a real theme, with legitimate sufferers that have been diagnosed with OCD. obviously, i haven’t been diagnosed, so there is no way to be sure that i actually have OCD unless i get a diagnosis, but i have spent the past two months researching OCD and Sexual Orientation OCD, communicating with other people in my same situation, and comparing my symptoms to those of people with SO-OCD. i have found many similarities between myself and those of people with SO-OCD, so i have decided that is what i likely have been experiencing, but again, the only way to know is with a diagnosis from an OCD specialist. Now a couple things you should know about SO-OCD: •anyone can struggle with SO-OCD, regardless of their sexual orientation. this means that SO-OCD can mean the fear of being gay, bisexual, lesbian, straight, nonbinary, transgender, asexual, etc. •if someone is struggling with SO-OCD, it does not mean that they are actually whatever they are fearing (in my case, i am afraid of being bisexual or lesbian). this doesn’t mean that i am actually bisexual or lesbian, it just means that i am obsessing about the possibility of being so. •SO-OCD is not inherently homophobic. while it is true that some individuals are homophobic, many are completely accepting of people of all sexualities and genders, and are afraid of the possibility of being gay because it doesn’t feel right for them and doesn’t make them happy thinking about the possibility of being gay. i cannot remember when exactly my SO-OCD started, but i believe that is started around July 15, 2020. i had brief thoughts about this before, but i usually was able to brush them off. they became more frequent in the days leading up to when it started, and then one day they became incredibly intrusive and anxious provoking. there are obviously some differences between my case and the textbook case of SO-OCD that make me doubt if i even could have SO-OCD, but there is so many similarities that also are evidence that this is, in fact, OCD. OCD is a doubting disorder, so writing this has been difficult because i have been second guessing everything i’ve written and every time i say that this is OCD, it feels like a lie. this is common for OCD sufferers, doubting their diagnosis, symptoms, behaviors, etc. one common compulsion is asking for reassurance, (asking other people about who they are, what they will do, etc (anything that would reassure them that this is isn’t who they really are). compulsions like seeking reassurance is bad for people with OCD, because it alleviates the anxiety temporarily, but it only feeds the OCD, making it even more powerful than before. i am telling you all of this because i trust you to know what i am going through right now. i’m going to ask you to please not share this with anyone unless i tell you it’s ok to share. i am not looking to find treatment for this yet, but i did think you should know because sometimes it makes it hard for me to focus or be happy, especially when i feel triggered and upset. you don’t need to respond to this, i understand that it may be a lot to take in, but if you want to talk about it, i can talk to you about it. i don’t love talking about it because it can be triggering, but if you want to talk about it i can. if this made you upset or angry or sad, im so sorry. i just wanted to let you know what i’m going through. i love you mom. thanks for listening. RESOURCES- •International Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Foundation (IOCDF) article “What is OCD?” https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/ •International Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Foundation (IOCDF) article “How Do I Know Im not Really Gay?” https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/homosexual-obsessions/ (not my favorite, but has a couple good points) •NOCD article “HOCD- Thoughts, Symptoms, Causes and Treatment” https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/hocd/ •The NOCD blog is helpful https://www.treatmyocd.com/learn/blog/page/5/ i know it’s long, but if you ave anything you think i should add or change, please tell me :)