I just don’t understand anymore. Can there be some truth to obsessions without them having to be real?? I have evidence supporting that I may be lesbian even though I’m married and never thought I was before. Someone posted last night about gay people in denial rationalizing their attractions or thoughts and I do that in terms of erotica that I read and my reactions to certain sexualized images. I’m losing sleep, I just want peace

Sexual Orientation OCD

nat

Date posted: 4y

I have this too rn... Like I got tjis thought that what if I was into some male characters/actors just because I thought it was how I was supposed to feel... Also I remember when my friend would show me pictures of shirtless boys all like "ain't he hot" and I remember being like "yeah" although I didn't really think much of them and now I'm scared it was cause I'm gay although I've never been attracted to a girl either but I also have the times when ocd is making me think I want to be with a woman and the not knowing is killing me... I'm just afraid to brush off these intrusive thoughts as ocd because I'm not sure if it is... I haven't been diagnosed and I'm just so scared all the time...

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I don’t think much of shirtless pics either and that does upset me.

nat

Date posted: 4y

@wellwellwell I feel like I've always been more into personality than looks and ocd is just latching onto that like "what makes you think you're not into girls with good personality then?" and it sucks... Good to know someone else is going through this as well...

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@nat The problem for me is that I am aroused by naked women but like only in sexual images, never women I know and I don’t think about like sex with them? It’s more like it’s an overtly sexual image

nat

Date posted: 4y

@wellwellwell Yeah I get that... but remember that humans are sexual beings and basically any sexual image/thing makes us respond. But also ocd can make us not feel it soooo... :D life's hard😅

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@nat My SO-OCD wants to tell me that the fact that I am NOT aroused sexaully by women must mean I am a lesbian 🤣or question my sexual attraction to my boyfriend as fake etc, it is endless 🤦‍♀️ it will latch on to anything and try to turn it against you

nat

Date posted: 4y

@thinkingismyfighting It will truly latch onto any little detail/thing and if it can't find anything it will make it up like false attraction or false memories🙈 it's really hard to fight back...

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@nat It’s so dumb because it’s not even like actual women, it’s like porn context made to be sexual stuff. Like I don’t check out women at all in person, I’m always looking for the cute guys

nat

Date posted: 4y

@wellwellwell Yeah I get that :D

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@nat Ugh I hate it. This is probably one of my harder themes to fight

nat

Date posted: 4y

@wellwellwell Deffo my hardest theme to fight...

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I feel you. I too am dealing with some evidence that I might be a lesbian. I don't experience any sexual thoughts or fantasies about women, and I actually don't find the thought about Sex with women very appealing, but I know I had some pretty strong identity crushes on some women or older girls during adolescence and wanted to be kind of close to them, like being their little sister or sth like that. And even today I tend to admire or idolize women from time to time even though I am pretty sure I would never want to have sex with one of them, but I am not so sure if I did misinterpret admiration for romantic attraction in the past.. I also remember questioning my sexuality as a teen and of course now it seems like absolute proof, because all of the coming out stories start with misinterpreting crushes like that. it is really terrifying to me. I have been in a happy relationship with a man I love deeply for over a decade and the anxiety that this might mean I have to blow this wonderful thing up makes me sick. It also keeps me from taking the next step in our relationship like getting married or buying a house or having kids, because what if I am going to leave him in 10 years because I realize I have been gay all along? I found a lot of resources saying that those identity crushes are pretty common for straight girls and also that it is common to be aroused by same sex erotica or fantasies, in your case. But that is reassurance seeking, so I try not to search for those kind of relief on the internet any more and just accept this ambivalence in my identity or to refrain from wanting to know for sure that I am not attracted to women in a romantic or sexual way and still live my life the way I want. But it is hard and I am scared that this is just denial or refusing to recognise my true self 🤦‍♀️🙄

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

So to refer back to your question, yes, I think very often there can be some truth to your intrusive thoughts, this is why they feel so scary and threatening, and especially with sexual orientation being on a spectrum or fluid and all this stuff makes it nearly impossible to be 100%sure. I think the problem is that we crave a kind of certainty or clarity that doesn't exist, sexuality is not just black or white, people who are sure about their sexual orientation still experience "signs" that point in the opposite direction or do not line up with their identity (for example, I heard that a lot of gay couples watch straight porn, yet they still are sure that they are gay etc) They feel sure because they are not obsessed with this question like we are and have a healthy confidence in themselves instead of being consumed by self-doubt, uncertainty and what if questions ..

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@thinkingismyfighting I’m married to my partner of 6 years so I understand the fear of wasting the time of someone you love. Even worse for me, intimacy is now impossible. This all stems from being more aroused by a woman naked than a man, but I don’t think about or fantasize about sex with a woman and I’ve never gotten a crush or wanted to be with one. It sucks

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@wellwellwell We are still intimate but the frequency definitely has dropped down since it all started which also triggers ROCD questions inside me.. But I try not to think about that too much and just hope everything will be alright in the end.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@thinkingismyfighting I hope so too. I genuinely do not see myself in a relationship with a woman but this is killing me

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