just realizing how much reassurance i do without knowing it like with mental compulsions i just feel like its harder to know if you arent doing them because okay say i do my erp in the middle of sitting there my thoughts get loud too loud for me to even do a mental compulsion its like sit and let it go then as it gets less loud my brain is like oh yeah comfort speaking of comfort here all the examples in your life of why you arent that thing you think you are because that will make us feel even better and then i have to fight it and go oh but you are oh but those things dont make you not a x,y, or z thats ocd math that you do ... and i even use my erp as a reassurance compulsion i go well look the erp exercises are doing what they are supposed to that means you do have ocd that means youre not x,y, or z and its like my brain just jumps there so fast and in order to not have to start all over again with my erp i just have to say the opposite of my accidental reassurance and go well you dont know that you can do those things and still be what you dont want to be ... i feel like reassurance comes so naturally to me i am always without trying finding ways to prove my fear isnt true like i have to basically delete all the reassurance ive done because im not actively trying to do it its like my mind just knows to go back to examples in my life that make me not a p*** or gay because ive done that my whole life and then using ocd as a thing to be like see youre not that its ocd like i think im finally getting what i have to do like if im reassuring myself mentally without trying everytime i reassure myself in life i have to unreassure myself right after, i have to go "but youre not" or "look remember this so youre not" i have to tell myself but you could be and that math doesnt make you not gay and not a p*** i have to tell myself that until basically reassuring myself isnt something i automatically do ... lol only took me like 9 sessions 😂 but god that sucks because ocd can be like a bully its screaming at you that you are this you are that you want something you dont want you visualize things you dont want to see and instead of going oh its just ocd and all of it is your mind playing tricks on you i have to almost agree with it i have to almost go maybe that is true as many times as possible until the alarm isnt as loud ... that sucks like the therapy for a bully in hour head isnt to fight back but to be like yeah maybe youre right and i dont care (even though you do) but the idea of getting to a point where i dont care about these thoughts to me makes me go well wouldnt that be more proof i am that thing because if the thoughts dont disturb me then that does make me evil... ugh ocd sucks... im constantly looking for proof that i am bad or good and half the time i dont even notice it because its just so natural for me