fighting off the urge to research comp het right now 😭😭

I did that made me even worse. Also forums on reddit. But I also feel like I'm avoiding because if I really wasn't gay that stuff shouldn't bother me ugh

@a01 Nope nope nope. I’ve asked way too much people online if I sounded gay. When I got the answer that they didn’t think I was a lesbian, nothing changed. I was still afraid. Or people on Reddit misunderstand and think you like the thoughts/are attracted to women and this is an identity crisis. It’s a lose-lose situation.

@wellwellwell Have you ever felt like you like the thoughts or just felt neutral to them? I ask my straight friends and they all say they get disgusted or grossed out but for me I'm just like whatever and that scares me because would that make me gay

@a01 So, I think I’ve mentioned before that I have been turned on by like women in erotica in the past, but like never ever thought about sex with them or anything. I was normally the woman in the situation, and would recreate it with a man. Now, when I’m trying to be intimate, my SO will like turn into a woman in my head and I’ll get so upset we have to stop. So in some ways, I was unbothered because I was comfortable with my sexuality but the intrusive thoughts during intimacy really really hurt. And that’s ocd working. Neutrality just means you’re used to them. There are women who watch lesbian porn but marry and only have sex with men and they don’t have obsessions like we do. So even liking a scenario or whatever, which it sounds like you don’t, means and has nothing to do with your obsession. You have ocd and this will pass

@wellwellwell So for me, I never imagine having sex with a woman but sometimes I do and I'll pretend I'm the guy and I never thought anything of it but now it's starting to freak me out because apparently a lot of lesbians do that. Also, I have experimented with a woman in the past and kind of liked it but I don't think I'd do it again or have a full blown relationship with one. And sometimes I find women attractive but if I start thinking for too long my mind tells me I Want them. Like is this denial? Like I'd rather accept I'm a little bicurious or whatever but I just don't want to be a lesbian

@a01 I’m going to tell you what someone once told me: if a woman was happily married to a man but at one point in time hooked up with a woman, does that make her relationship with a man any less valid?

@a01 I think you have OCD and I think your brain is twisting all sorts of things around for you. You can live the life you want, it’s ocd telling you otherwise. I’m probably bicurious too but I know deep down I will never really see a woman as more than a friend. If you too have a deep down feeling, or even if just right now you know you like men, then that’s all you need. Take it a day at a day. Ocd wants to scare us with threats about the future, but all we need to care about is being happy for now

@wellwellwell That's true, I honestly don't know anymore because I'm so depressed. And idk if I already told you but my long term boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago so I'm depressed by that, questioning everything, and thinking omg what if I'm like the stories I read about girls being with men and then find out they're lesbian. I don't want or find any other guys attractive because I just want my ex and idk if that's making me feel this way too. I just don't know anymore I feel very very alone and anxious all the time

@a01 That’s how I feel too. I’ve dealt with this before and it does suck, but it’s gone away and I was able to move on and be happy, so I’m confident it’ll happen again. I’m sorry about your breakup, how long were you together?

@a01 I’m so sorry, that’s horrible. Do you have a good support system around you right now, I know getting through a breakup is torture