"I don't trust my younger self" (complete) I'm 24 today (F) but I don't trust my past 20-22 yo self. I gained a brilliant idea that, during that time period, I'd be able to date a 15 yo if I fell in love with them... I hate myself... I deserve to die... (nothing happened! I assure you!) I don't remember what my ethics were... Today, I'd never do that. But I have a few stories to share why I might have done it and why maybe I wouldn't have done it. Why I wouldn't have done it: - when I heard stories about teenagers (14 up) dating like 19+ adults, it always made me uncomfortable. I remember a few stories with real life people I knew and I always felt uneasy. - I never persued any relationship with anyone or stalked or anything, either a minor or an adult. I was always respectful and kind to everyone. When I got my ex at 22, I didn't exactly persued her. I just liked her and cared for her. We were friends at first. I never did anything bad. - (I'm not sure of this one... Recently, I started having doubts about my real memories.) in early 2018 (when I was 21-22), I began to sexually fantasize about fictional people I created on my mind. And my head was making them too young like 15-17 but I was forcing myself to make them adults (like 18+ at least) and I even put them in college and what not. And even today I'm so afraid they looked too young. Why I could have done it: - When I was 19 (almost 20), I had this crush on this guy I talked online and I knew he was a minor (I didn't know his age but I think he was already in high school - we didn't talk too personally... I was more of his therapist than anything else). At the time I didn't thought much about it... I was just stupid I guess. But if his feelings were corresponding to mine, maybe I'd have dated him?? I'm so gross. - So a few years ago (2016 - 2017 I was 20) I created a lot of original characters (I draw a lot). and this topic is about one of my favorites. Let's call her B. I don't remember the age I gave her, to be honest. I am pretty sure it was 15-16 and it was the only minor I created (it was important for the story I was creating. (today I'm so scared I made her 14 or something). She was a light spirit but very mature for her age, personality wise. Not long after I started imagining that she had a crush on another character that was "based" on me (let's call her L) and vice versa. But this self-based character (L) was in love with B's older brother (call him C who was 19). In conclusion, C and B are siblings. And L was their friend. Moving on... Later on, I started having romantic fantasies with this character. Nothing sexual. Just flirting and one kiss. And despite at the time being 21,22, I imagined to be again in high school (17) and her ofc (15-16). I feel terrible... At the time I didn't notice how bad this could be. 15!! Seh was 15! I just... Ugh- I didn't have a crush on her because of her age but because I liked her personality.... Idk. It wasn't a huge crush. It was nothing sexual because I never imagined myself having anything with anyone under 18 (unless it was an intrusive thought which has happened).. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and I feel like the worse disgusting piece of shit out there... I don't know what to do. I'm just feeling so ashamed. here are some drawings of B https://www.instagram.com/p/CFm4nKYgiSz/?igshid=1qpxqwpwzv8j5