I don’t know what’s going on with me but I feel like there’s no repairing whatever it is that happened to my mind and most of the time I feel like I just want to be trapped in this world I made up in my head. It’s feels as if I may have a sort of mental illness, or maybe just trying to figure out myself and how I view the world, but sometimes I feel like I’m going insane or have gone insane. Getting through everyday with my head is hard but I’ve kind of already gotten used to it and I don’t think I could ever go back to being normal. I just get all of these thoughts to do things I don’t want to do but my mind tells me it makes to much sense not to do it. I just feel like a sort of genius that has started to see and understand things that others don’t so it will forever separate me from other people and I’m going go to spend the rest of my life pretending to be normal. I don’t know if this is a form of psychosis or unhealthy escapism, but I can’t get out of it no matter what because I literally don’t know what else to think about. I have a problem with absolutely everyone now because of my thoughts and I feel like I don’t love people like I used to or that I even have the desire to be around people anymore. Something just got really messed up in my head and I could go on forever about the stuff in my mind but I don’t think anyone would read it. I’m just tired of sinking into weird thinking but it all just become very complicated but all my mind does everyday is over analyze and try to figure out my head and things I could possibly never answer and create problems. I just always feel so confused. I think if I saw a therapist they would take my thoughts too seriously or think I was pretending or stupid. I actually don’t even know which one it is either, but sometimes I feel like I don’t even want to get help because I don’t deserve it and that I don’t even want to change. I just think so much but I can’t imagine thinking any other way because I’m so used to this and I don’t think there’s a cure for overthinking so it’s not like any of this could be undone.

"Pure" OCD

Scribble

Date posted: 4y

I don’t want to deal with any of my thoughts, but at the same time for some reason I don’t want to escape this. Sleep and distractions help to an extent, but I still know my weird thinking will be there to deal with everyday like always. Some of these thoughts get really scary. I won’t go into detail about all of them but they’re just really strong thoughts that injustices and really bad things are okay and that I’m the type of person to do those things and that i actually would be okay with doing them because it doesn’t matter to me.

Isidora

Date posted: 4y

It is possible that you got so used to your thoughts that they start to resemble a "safe place". I had fought with this issue as well. OCD and some other mental illnesses give us an illusion of control, beause we maybe lack control in things which are important to us in life. Sometimes it can come if have tried to suppress our true feelings for a long time. We forget there is space outside of our mind. Sometimes you may not want to get help, it feels cozy in your own suffering, because it is familiar to you. But suffering is not your true home. Your feelings are valid and they have a reason for their existence, but the way you interpret them may be faulty. I am sure you can do this. You write here reaching for help :) And don't worry. No matter how "extremely bad" your thoughts are, they are intrusive thoughts, obsessions. They don't belong to you, they belong to the OCD. It is a struggle, but I believe the first step is to recognize this is not a part of you and that you are worthy of healing. You for sure are. Peace and all the best!

Scribble

Date posted: 4y

@Isidora Thank you so much for reaching out! 😢❤️ Theres just so so much in my head preventing me from getting therapy, I’m just mostly scared of what will happen, but I know that I would be happier for it if I just took the first step.

Isidora

Date posted: 4y

@Scribble Thank you for being so strong to open up here! I heard good things about online therapy through this app, I haven't personally tried it, as it is not available in Europe, but you might wanna give it a shot ^^ I know how hard it gets. Mine started when I was 17, but there were signs before. Just like you, I thought I was going insane! But I am functioning well now, and so will you. Don't forget that you don't have to do a lot at once, small steps are important. Try to make something to care for yourself every day, not matter how little. OCD can lead to depresson and make you forget the things you had enjoyed before. Don't give up, you can rediscover them! Therapist will know how to help in your specific situation :)

Scribble

Date posted: 4y

@Isidora Thank you so much! That gives me a lot of hope! 😊❤️

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