no no no no no no. omg i just remembered that about a month before ocd i drew a picture of things i hated about myself or that i was insecure about. i drew stuff like being too pale, or having really dark under eye circles, or being too skinny. but i also remember drawing the bi flag colors behind me. i drew them because it was something that i hated and made me sad. i never identified as bi, to myself or publicly. but a couple years ago i had like a month where i questioned my sexuality. i eventually stopped and forgot about that but from time to time i had the thoughts pop into my head. i think i drew the colors bc i was sad bc of the possibility of being bi and bc it scared me and i didn’t want it, not bc ik i was bi and i was insecure about it. ik it’s common for ocd sufferers to find “proof” that they are what they fear, but this isn’t just subtle things that could hint i was gay, this is literally me thinking about it enough to draw about it. i show almost every symptom of hocd tho, so i think i have it, and i’m going to get therapy soon to try to get a formal diagnosis, but fuck man, this is so much. a lot of ppl w hocd say they want to go back to how they were before, but i don’t bc that’s where all my proof comes from and it’s so triggering to me now. idk how much more proof i can find, or handle before i break. i’ve been thinking about this all day and it makes me physically cringe and repulse. fuck me, i want to start over as someone new, i fucked everything up before. this makes no sense sorry, but venting makes me feel better.