Hello everyone. It’s my first time on this app and I’m nervous and scared about my sexuality. I’ve identified as straight all my life. I’ve had numerous and countless girl crushes over the years and have never considered myself gay or bisexual in the slightest. But 4 months ago, my friend called me “sus” for knowing a gay scene from the movie Moonlight, and I haven’t been able to stop questioning and obsessing over my sexuality. As the months went by (4 months) I started to remember memories of my childhood which I’m terrified by. I’m remembering times when I had erections to things that were gay, like the Take me to Church music video and the Incredible Hulk game for the PS2. (Everytime the hulk took heavy damage, he would start heavily breathing. Keep in mind I was 8-9 when the hulk incident happened and 13-14 when the Take me to church video incident happened.) I would get erections to everything and anything that would be remotely sexual during those times, but the first thing I ever masturbated to was a woman, and have continued to do so for 6 years. I don’t have any hate or malice towards the LGBTQ+. If people want to be married to the person they love, then what’s stopping them you know? I just don’t see the point in discrimination based on sexuality. But I don’t know what I am anymore. I know I want to be married to a woman and have kids and live the rest of my life with her, but this HOCD has been bringing out the worst in me like bringing up the past, provide groinal responses, and false attraction to boot. I don’t know if what I’m going through is OCD. I’ve been on Reddit, Psychforums, OCDaction, and anything that could help me find out a lot at to prove if what I have is HOCD or not. I’ve spent countless hours ruminating and going on forums and websites to prove that I’m straight. Please help me. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual. Not because of any social stigmas or public repercussions, but because it feels right by ME.

Thank you so much narb82. It’s like the anxiety’s slowly starting to go away, but that’s what scares me too. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual, but my past feels like it’s presenting evidence that I’m gay, and what’s worse is that since I’m not getting that much anxiety about being gay or accepting that I’m gay or bisexual, this means I’m actually gay or bisexual, and I’m freaking out now.

I want it to be HOCD so badly Emma589. I called the NOCD service line today bawling my eyes out because I don’t want to be gay or bisexual at all. I was crying through the entire call and I don’t want to be gay or bisexual not because of the social stigmas and my family or friends, but because it doesn’t fit me as a person. I’ve never questioned my sexuality even with those past incidents in mind, and my mind is making me question these things now as I type this. But why is it that after 19 years of living and being attracted emotionally and sexually to women that this starts happening and I’m now questioning every decision, every event, and every choice that I’ve ever made?

@Powerdak12 Because you have OCD. ERP therapy is required for recovery. If you want to feel better I reccomend starting ASAP

@emma589 Some dude on the Christian reddit forum sent me a link to a website talking about homosexuality and bisexuality. He was telling me about it and when I asked him if he thought I was gay or bisexual he just said “yes but read the website.” I’m terrified at the moment because I remember having sexual experimentation with my friend at 13 but I absolutely hated it and regretted it and ever since then I’ve been paranoid about being seen or assumed as gay or bisexual. I never started questioning till 5 months ago. And I never once wanted to have sex in anyway with a man in any shape or form. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual at all.

@emma589 I’ll send you the link to my full story on my reddit to give you a better insight into my life and what I’m talking about. https://www.reddit.com/r/HOCD/comments/ir70rp/hocd_and_my_story_i_need_opinions/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

@Powerdak12 He's not a therapist. I'm not going to read your link because you're doing a compulsion. You wouldn't tell internet strangers about your cancer or your infected toenails or your missing teeth and expect good advice. You would tell a medical professional who knows your issues. Strangers on the internet cannot help you, but an OCD therapist can.

@emma589 I’m sorry about that. I’m just scared and very confused at the moment. Therapy’s too expensive for my family, and even then I don’t want to stress out my mother with all of this because she’s already going through a ton of stuff.

@Powerdak12 Have you posted anything asking for resources on how to do ERP at home?

@emma589 I’ve been trying to make attempts for the past 5 months. I remember trying to agree with the thoughts, but after that I started getting anxious because the anxiety started going away. I’m starting to think I experienced a backdoor spike then

@Powerdak12 Avoiding the compulsion to seek reassurance online is hard. You can do it by setting rules for yourself- one OCD post per day, or per week, working your way down. Or "no posting details of your experiences, only looking for resources". I reccomend writing both of these down and forcing yourself to obey them

@emma589 It’s very hard for me. The symptoms feel so unique to me and only me, combined with the past evidence with the material that I described in my original post. I wish these thoughts would go away and I would never have to focus on them again.

@Powerdak12 The thing about OCD is that everyone feels like their thoughts are very special and different and unique. It's not true, and it's not a reason to give in to compulsions. Don't leave yourself excuses. You can be stronger than that

@emma589 I don’t want any excuses to my ERP. I genuinely want to get better with this. I’m tired of past memories/ false attractions and feelings, and groinal responses getting in the way of my love for women

@Powerdak12 That's great! I would consider ordering a few books to help you do ERP at home. The IOCDF website could be a good resource for that

@emma589 What kind of books would you recommend?

@Powerdak12 https://www.amazon.com/Complete-OCD-Workbook-Step-Step-ebook/dp/B07JN7T18W This is one. You can research others. The IOCDF website could be a good resource. Or you could email an ERP expert in your area.

@emma589 Thank you so much for this Emma589! I know sometimes I may come off as aggressive or angry, and I apologize for that

@Powerdak12 Dont worry about it friend! God bless you and I will pray you have the strength to make progress with your ERP

@emma589 God bless you as well Emma. I hope that all of us on this forum can overcome this devil known as HOCD together