I have been dealing with harm ocd! I have not been diagnosed with ocd but my therapist thinks I have it. Anyways I’ve never had bad thoughts about killing. I got them back in January and it wasn’t killing it was more like what if something bad happening to my family and it went away in two days because I was going to school. Ever since quarantine started my horrible thoughts came back! We have a machete in the kitchen closet for protection in case a burglar breaks in. I’ve always known that since I was little. Recently I remembered we have one and I got so scared. My mind was like “what if I lose control and hurt them with it” every single day I wake up in scared that at night I will be convinced by my thoughts and act on it! It’s so stressful I’m so scared. I love my family more than anything. My brain tricks me so much it tells me “you don’t love them” “do it” “hurt them” “I want to”. I always try to spend time with them and whenever they talk about future plans that they want to do i get so scared that my brain is gonna say “they will be dead because of me before they can do future plans” it’s so so so so scary!

Don’t worry you are not alone I promise. I just cried because of how badly I want to get rid of these thoughts and feelings. I was never like this I think quarantine affected my mental health badly. I was dealing with harm ocd then thinking I was schizophrenic then a pedophile now I’m back to harm ocd and it’s worse. Sometimes I’m like okay I’ll be okay and the next second I’m back to feeling guilty ashamed and gross and like a horrible person sometimes when I look in the mirror I feel disgusted myself.

Me too I feel so much guilt and sadness and I love my parents with all my heart and I feel guilty for even thinking about these things sometimes I don’t wanna live anymore I’m so exhausted

@Chelula Sad to say these harm thoughts are about my Wife and My 4 year old boy .. I feel so guilty that I feel when I spend time with them I am not all there . I feel lost and out of hope . I feel the same way you do honestly I hate my life at this point I just want to be my old self again

@Alan.💪 Yes i want to be my old self again too! I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Someday we will overcome this I still hope. My ocd tricks me saying I don’t love them or that I desire to hurt them even tho I know it’s not true.

@Chelula I hope that you can get through this your self and just stay strong I'm glad I could speak with someone going through something similar . It's puts my mind in relaxation mode in a way . My mind plays the sames trucks your mind does making me doubt myself in every possible way

@Alan.💪 Yes and Im 17 and I never dealt with this before and I keep crying because of how much I wish I was the same person back then before I had any of this. The possibility of hurting people I love hurts so bad.

Have you told your wife about your thoughts?

@Chelula Yeap she is completely aware of it as soon as I started to feel this way she was the first one to know .. the wired and crazy part is that I couldn't speak about it I had to write it down for her to read it honestly that's how bad I felt about it

@Alan.💪 Does she understand? I told my boyfriend and my parents and they don’t think it’s serious the think the only thing I should worry about is school. After telling them I kind of got over it and started obsessing about other things so now that I’m back with my harm Ocd I want to tell my dad again and just explain to him everything I feel.

@Chelula At first she seemed a bit shocked and Afraid but I told her the issues I am having and what I thought I had . So what she did was go online and did alot of research on OCD and Intrusive thoughts and that's when she started to believe that what I was going through alot of humans go through it . What you should try to do is Showing your parents videos on youtube About Intrusive thoughts and OCD. take some screen shots of these messages if you'd like and show them to your parents and tell them how you truly feel and what you are going through .

@Alan.💪 Thank you I will and I’m glad she understands. Ugh ocd is so draining and stressful. I wish you the best in life we will be happy again.

@Alan.💪 And okay I might show them a video so they can understand

@Chelula Good luck okay Don't let OCD get in your way of happyness . And speak up for your self you got this you are very young I'm only 24 and I feel like I'm way to young to have this issue until I realized it happens to everyone no matter the age .. Best wishes stay strong and healthy and happy

@Alan.💪 Thank you😊 you too good luck and I wish you and your family the best!