I feel kind of done with life. My mindset is too screwed up to really do anything and truly enjoy it. I watch tv shows or movies, I always feel bothered to an extent. I used to love writing stories and drawing characters, my mind tells me it was an unhealthy form of escapism and because my thinking is too messed up I can’t write the stories I want to anymore. I can’t be an artist/animator anymore because I can’t handle the internet anymore and that I’m not a nice person. I get thoughts everyday that I’m capable of killing and that I’ll probably do it one day and the only thing I’ll care about is being caught and that I won’t care about what I did. I don’t know how I feel about living this way, nothing really feels real, I get thoughts that are we all are evolved monkeys and nothing we made up is real. That everything I’ve ever learned is brainwashing and nothing really exists or matters. It feels really weird to think in this way, I feel so off from other people because of my perception like I’m going to go through life pretending to be sane when on my own I’m really just a psychotic person. I always have this weird feeling in my head everyday and I worry that I have a mental illness that’s degrading my brain and causing these thoughts , but I honestly just ignore it. I feel so much anger sometimes and I worry that it’s going to cause me to lose my sanity and hurt someone, I actually had an intrusive urge and thought to hit my mother today and then the thoughts that came after that was that it was fine, that other people did it, she deserved it and that morality doesn’t really matter. I didn’t act on it, but it makes me sad because the old me would have never thought in this way. I keep getting thoughts that I want to do something drastic and that I understand the mindset of people who have done terrible things. I get a ton of thoughts during the day that frustrate me at work. There’s a bunch of stuff going on with me but honestly this just feels like it’s going to be my permanent normal. For whatever reason I don’t really want to fix this, it seems as if there’s nothing to fix, it’s too complex for any doctor to figure out so I’ll just keep it a secret for the rest of my life and pretend that I’m still the same person. I’m too tired to write more, I’m just hoping that this is a phase and it will go away like the last time I had a weird experience with my mental health, or maybe I’ll just lose my mind and this will all be over. Every time I get the thought that I miss the old me, my mind just tells me that I’m actually happier this way, this was how I was meant to turn out, and that my old way of thinking was naive.