When I was young (13) I sexually experimented with my friend. We never finished because I left ashamed and scared of what I had done. I fell in love with women throughout the rest of my middle school and high school days, with numerous crushes on many women. Never men. I was always paranoid about being seen as gay, and assumed as gay. I avoided gay people or anything gay related, including movies, books, and other subject matter. After graduating and the quarantine started, that’s when I got HOCD. I would never want to be with a man ever. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual. I’m getting memories of my childhood experimentation plus erections that honestly scare me and had no recollection of me remembering until now. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual. I never wanted to be with a man and never will. I’m terrified out of my mind as I’m typing this because the last thing I want is to be something I’m not. And it honestly scares me. I’m getting a memory of an erection to a written erotic scene from call me by your name. I’m so scared and petrified. I’m hitting the SOS button after this but I’m so scared at this moment in time. I actively avoid all gay movies or movies with gay subject matter. I constantly get these memories and I don’t want to be gay or bisexual in the slightest. Oh god have mercy on me

Man Im literally on tears now , HOCD or whatever is killing me with these

What about the erections? Do those mean anything?

When you’ve said you never experienced any experimentation that triggered me.

@lypc I’m so scared. This HOCD is killing me. The experimentation involved intercourse but we never finished and I was left ashamed and disgusted by this event. I was also very paranoid about being gay throughout my school life, I did major avoidance compulsions like avoiding gay people, movies, books, etc. and I always fell in love with many women during my school life. Never men. This HOCD started when my friends called me gay as a joke and I got terrified of it, and I’ve been nonstop panicking ever since.

@lypc This HOCD makes me want to lose my mind and I honestly wish this never happened. Ever.

@lypc I promise you that you have HOCD. The question is do I? I don’t want to be gay or bisexual but it’s like these memories and false attractions are killing me. I wish I could tell the difference because all I wanted to be in my life was a straight man living with a wife and two kids and now this HOCD won’t let me do that

@lypc I’m just honestly scared of everything related to homosexuality or bisexuality. I don’t want to be either of those things. When I think of women I feel comfort and no anxiety at all. It feels right to me and it honestly feels a though I’m relaxed. And I don’t question my attraction to women. When an intrusive thought or feeling pops up, it throws me into such a panic that i cannot describe. It’s horrible. I feel dread and anxiety build up in my chest and I feel panicked. Like I’m expecting the worst. I want it to be SO-OCD so badly. I just want to stay straight so badly

@lypc Then why do I still get memories, false attractions and groinal responses? I’m so fucking scared

@lypc I wish these would all stop

@lypc I would give anything to go back to the way it was